The Bathtub

Men in Cages: To Hit, or Not To Hit

So, I’m going to let you all in on a secret desire of mine.  Don’t worry; it’s not the sort of secret desire that, once revealed, will make you blush awkwardly and shy away from future interaction with me.  It doesn’t involve anal beads or nipple clamps or anything like that.  My secret desire isn't nearly so licentious.

I just really want to hit someone.

Men in Cages: More Than A Mouthful

My number one, most favoritist snack food of all time? 

Without question,
Hostess Sno Balls:

 

Men in Cages: A Picture and A Thousand Words

Let's face facts: the "New Jersey's so lame!" joke was old and tired by Wednesday.  So old and tired that the Thursday ladies were forced to search deep within their souls for positive things to say about NJ.  But obviously a celebration of all that is New Jersey can't last longer than 24 hours; that's ludicrous.  So anyway, I'm not going to talk about how great New Jersey is.  And I'm not going to talk about how lame New Jersey is.  I'm hardly going to talk about New Jersey at all.  I am, however, going to share with all of you the single greatest photo of me ever taken in the state of New Jersey.  And then we'll see where that picture takes us.

Men in Cages: If Only Kids-R-Us Actually Sold Kids

Question: Should gays be allowed to raise children?
Answer: Yes.  Obviously gays should be allowed to raise children.  In fact, gays should be actively encouraged to raise children.  Why, if I'd had two gay dads, I wouldn't be the miserable fashion victim I am today.  And, if I'd had two gay moms, the Tub's softball team totally would have made it to the playoffs.  Nothing but good things can come from gays raising children.  Moving on.

Question: But gays can't really make babies.  So like, how should they go about acquiring children?
Answer: Now that is a good question!

Men in Cages: Anthropometry

I arrived at work this morning and, strangely enough, was given actual tasks to complete.  This unexpected turn of events has prevented me from producing artful prose to share with you, my readership.

To make it up to you, I'm going to do an art project that I know you'll all enjoy.  As of now, I do not have a projected time of completion for this art project, but rest assured that as soon as I finish, it will be placed on the online.

Until then, enjoy this magnificent website that allows you to create fine works of art akin to those you created in the late 80s.

Men in Cages: Whether to Dress for the Weather

In theory, the decision of what to wear is informed by two important considerations: the current fashion and the current climatic conditions.  Those who spend time with me in the offline world, however, know that I rarely heed the mandates of style or weather when making dress-related choices. 

As far as style is concerned, it’s not that I deliberately ignore the rules of fashion; I just fail to comprehend them.  Cut, color, etc. – these things aren’t part of my universe.  By contrast, when it comes to weather, I certainly understand that layers of clothing should be inversely proportional to temperature; I just refuse to translate that understanding into action.  I refuse to acknowledge that Mother Nature should have any control over my wardrobe.  Why?

Because I really like shorts.

Men in Cages: Wheel of Mysogyny

Men outnumber women in a number of professions.  In some instancess, this is reasonable: men have more brute strength than do women; it makes sense that there are more lumberjacks than there are lumberjills.  In other instances, the rationale for the dispairity is less transparent.  Take game show hosting.  Relevant skills for this profession include being able to read, looking attractive on television, and smiling a lot.  Last time I checked, veritable hordes of women possess this exact skill set.  And yet, very few women have ever broken into the exclusive boys club that is game show hosting.  Let's examine this extreme injustice, shall we?

Men in Cages: Fearlessness - Now In Liquid Form

Fear is all about exercising judgment.  It's the product of an internal assessment of risks.  We gauge a situation to be fraught with danger and our worries, doubts, and apprehensions kick in. 

Fortunately, this means that there's an easy method by which to overcome any fear.  You simply need to overcome your ability to exercise judgment.  That is to say, you need to get crunk.

Theme for the Week of 8/6: Fear

I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot to say about this week's theme.  (You know, because I'm so bold and fearless.) 

But I'm guessing that my colleagues, being a big bunch of ninnies, will have no trouble expounding upon the chosen topic at length.  (Don't mock them for their ninny-dom; however.  The Tub should be a safe space.  And for all of my bravery, there is one thing that truly scares me: intolerance.)

Men in Cages: Circle Jerk

Last year, I read a book entitled "The Inner Circle."  This work is T. C. Boyle's imaginings of what life was like working as an assistant to Dr. Alfred Kinsey - the father of sexology.  Kinsey considered his assistants to be his "Inner Circle" - he worked closely with them, very closely.

If you've never read this book (or seen that movie about Kinsey that has an identical plotline to this book, but whose title has nothing to do with circles and is consequently irrelevant to this post), you might wonder what life is like in the Inner Cirlce.  What does life entail when you're Dr. Sex's assistant?  Well, you have three primary duties: