The Bathtub

The Omniscient Omtubsman: Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

I said it when Tori missed Weddings week, and I'll say it again now that Justin missed the office week: I felt a vague sense of loss last week as one tubtributor forewent an opportunity to impregnate some really fertile ground. Last week, it was hard for the 'tubsman to wrap his head around office week without of resident office computer nerd putting in his two bytes (haha, lame pun alert). Anyhow, the mid-week news that Gorg-O had been driven underground nearly cleaned the slate but stilI I must say, I hope that in the next round of internet potato Justin Douglas chooses to weigh on the topic. (Incidentally, come back Gorg-O. We need your consistent commenting to keep us honest, just like Hanging with Mr. Cooper needed the credibility of creator Jeff Franklin (who worked on Full House) to bring the credibility necessary to have the show drag on for five excruciating seasons. Except that unlike Hanging with Mr. Cooper, this blog is good and Gorg-O did not create it.) At this point, I'm also going to announce that given the meandering, nonsensical way in which this column began, I'm going to cut the the chase.

The Omniscient Omtubsman: Our Pets, Ourselves

What is it about pet ownership that really brings out our innate weirdness? After thinking about that in the time that it takes to type that sentence and the beginning of this one, I've come to the conclusion that properly appreciating pets requires people to walk a fine line: on the one hand, if you hate pets then you seem like a total sociopath. After all, even weird shut-ins often have pets, so this makes you one even stranger than shut-ins by at least one metric. On the other hand, if you love your pets too much, society will scorn you, too, because what's the deal anyway, you can't get along with people? In between these two extremes there are many gradations of pet-philia and pet-phobia that could be considered "normal," but nonetheless may tend to make people look askance at you. Pets week in the Tub revealed that we have more than a few tubtributors who are trending away from the mean. Following the jump, I'll catalogue the things that gave the O.O. pause this past week:

The Omniscient Omtubsman: Too busy Loving America and Antique Furniture

Having the Fourth of July fall on a Wednesday wrought havoc for America, at least if you measure America's well-being by the Omtubsman's ability to post on the anniversary of it's independence. As I noted in an internal Tub communication, there were many plausible and respectable reasons why a patriotic blogbudsman could miss posting on the Fourth of July, most of which involve being drunk on patriotism and/ or beer. But, sadly, neither of those explanations are my own. My real reason for missing the deadline was because I woke up on Wednesday and couldn't shake the feeling that it was Saturday. It was a pretty bleak and uninspired Independence Day in my neck of the woods, so instead of doing something unforgettably American, I was instead furniture shopping, more specifically shopping for a new coffee table, which is decidedly Canadian. I apologize for offending the America-lovers out there. Following the jump, I'll post a picture of said excuse, and in the comments section you can decide if it was better or worse than posting.

The Omniscient Omtubsman: The Gods Must be Crazy

Catholicism, Judaism, Atheism, Scientology, Robotheism, forcing your co-workers to drink some horrible concoction...  all forms of religious (or a-religious) expression covered in last week's version of the Bathtub. But not one of them describes the beliefs of the omniscient being that hovers over this sacred bathtub, blessing and damning all the puny columns that come before him. No, your humble Omtubsman (seer of all, knower of all, better than all) worships very differently. His place of worship is the desk beside his bed, where every Sunday he practices the holy ritual of visiting thebathtub.net and reading over all the columns he missed this last week.  Therein he finds the spiritual enlightenment that will get him through another arduous week. So, although I'm the omniscient one, I worship at feet of the mighty tubtributor, my Creator.

The Omniscient Omtubsman: The Man Behind the Shadowy Figure is More Shadowy Still

Since it's time to evaluate "Behind the Scenes" week, I'm going to let the readership in on a little behind the scenes info about the O.O. himself. While this is strictly against policy, the fact is that policy was created by me and my caprice is well-known. So, just because the O.O. is breaking a self-imposed policy doesn't mean to your world is ending, Gorgz. (Sorry, Gorg-O, I don't mean to single you out as a super-fan. It's just that we have three fans (sally jesse's mulitiple personalities aside) so sometimes you have to take the hit. Besides, I know your world would only end if Tori went off the grid permanently). So, in the spirit of breaking free from my shadowy silhouette, I'm going to reveal to the world a picture of my real face following the jump.

The Omnscient Omtubsman: Zany Aunt Tori Missed her Flight, and the Reception Just Wasn't the Same

Madam Mayor, may I have a brief word with you? Everyone else avert your eyes, I'll bold it when I'd like you to start reading again.

I'm the Omtubsman, goddammit! I'm supposed to be omniscient... it says so in my title. But this week you know what? I felt blindsided, dazed and confused, stuck in a world with no meaning and looking for love in all the wrong places. Oh wait, not that last one. But everything else is true. And why? Actually, the reason why isn't your fault at all, it's Tori's. What's the deal with Tori taking two weeks off, but still being around to comment? I felt like I should be privy to that type of information in advance. How come we didn't discuss that and it just kind of happened? As the person who sees Tori the most, Mayor, I put it on you to know about these things. Why didn't you tell me? Man, this gig's getting tougher by the week.

So, Madam Mayor, having straightened out your conduct, I feel that we should now discuss another matter more openly.

The Omniscient Omtubsman: The Bee Sharps

Bravo, tublings! I thought you bounced back very well last week following what was arguably a lackluster "Knut Hamsun's Growth of the Soil" week (I know it had some supporters but I'm pretty sure that was due to a campaign of terror wrought by Justin Douglas and his evil minion Clanky). Overall, though, most everyone brought their A game to Bee week (sorry, I couldn't resist).

Before I proceed to my analysis of this week's Shiny Happy Caitlar as promised, I'll take a slight detour to address a comment to my post last week left by "somejerk."

The Omniscient Omtubsman: Justin Douglas Soiled the Tub

Justin Douglas is a jerk. I once heard an anecdote that he invited his whole cross country team over to dinner while he was still in high school for a nice dinner and tricked the whole team into eating dog food. Why would he do such a thing? Because Justin Douglas is the type of guy that looks like he'd be very nice and mild-mannered but actually, underneath his polite exterior, is just a jerk who revels in screwing with people.

Thus, when Justin Douglas first proposed making "Knut Hamsun's Growth of the Soil" the theme for last week I wasn't really all that surprised. It just supported my working thesis that Justin Douglas is a jerk. For those who aren't in the Tub's inner circle, our internal communications take the form of long email chains among the contributors. The email chain that notified the other contributors that Knut Hamsun's opus would be our topic came with the subject "next week's theme: knut hamsun's nobel prize winning novel "The Growth of the Soil" from Justin Douglas, with no text in the body of the email. What followed was a chain of 27 emails expressing various levels of disgust, confusion and shockingly, some support. But the common theme was disbelief. Would a tubtributor really pick such an arcane topic that many of the Tub's contributors had never even heard of the subject of their writing? Yes, as confirmed by Justin Douglas in two subsequent emails:

The Omniscient Omtubsman: 24 Reasons Why I Hate KELLYq

In my brief tenure as Omtubsman I've already noticed an emerging threat to my independence: tubtributors trying to tell me what to do. The most persistent threats have come from an unlikely source -- the typically happy-go-lucky KELLYq. The most egregious example came Friday evening at the annual "Celebrate Lauren" dinner. A half-in-the-bag KELLYq sidled over to me (alright, she wasn't half-in-the-bag and didn't sidle, but I enjoy using that expression and word) and said point blank "I know what you're going to write about for this week's omtubsman. You're going to say I copied Jerome's idea and made a list." Well, to be honest I had something else in mind but since I think the only way I can teach KELLYq and the other tubtributors that my independence is important, I will devote the rest of this post to describing the 24 reasons why I hate KELLYq in the hopes that it will change her behavior.

The Omniscient Omtubsman: Momma's Boys

Welcome to Tub 2.0. Now that the Bathtub's been around for an entire theme selection cycle (13 weeks for the uninitiated), our fearless leader Lauren has decided that it's time we legitimated ourselves in the eyes of our roughly eight or nine loyal readers. After the memo came down a few weeks back, you may have noticed some subtle changes to the blog:

1) Tori's posts have been trimmed to a tidy 1,000 words each.
2) Man on Man has been furloughed while Tito and Rory attend sensitivity training.
3) Jim Ramstad is being forced to answer for his rabid zoo-hating; and
4) We've got a new column, that will be appearing Wednesday afternoons, that finally will create some accountability among contributors to the blog -- The Omniscient Omtubsman.