The Bathtub

This Post Will Use Heat and Vibrations to Melt Away Wrinkles

If you have sex with men, feel insecure about anything, and have a little bit of money, then chances are high that you have bought your fair share of beauty products. Beauty products are amazing in that they promise you just about anything you could want for yourself: smaller pores, a slimmer body, fewer wrinkles, bigger hair, whiter teeth, [add any other adjective ending in -er followed by a random part of your body here]. Some of these things actually deliver on their promises, but I'm pretty certain that most do not. Below are some egregious examples of what I believe are exceedingly stupid beauty products that someone will still buy.

MAYORq&a: The Art of Making Children Cry Without Touching Them

Note: This is a special Internet Potato version of KELLYq&a wherein the Mayor revisits the theme of "children."

I am not KELLYq. I lack degrees in both adviceology and adviceonomy, and I'm no expert. One thing I do have in common with KELLYq, however, is that I am a teacher. While KELLYq teaches sixth graders, I spend my days with a group of first graders ranging in age from 5 to 8. One thing I noticed immediately about my students is that they cry. They cry a LOT. At first this disturbed and annoyed me, however I am learning to harness the emotional instability of my students to my benefit. Below, I explain how to make children cry and why it's a worthy endeavor.

E-Bathing:

Alcohol is a lot like EBay: it's a lot of fun until you puke. I'm joking, with the exception of the Devil on the Toilet velvet painting, EBay doesn't even close to making me puke. EBay has, however, lured me (and others) into some really poor purchases.  Below are some alcohol-related auctions I've found on EBay. To help you avoid an EBay hangover, I've indicated the intended purchaser for each of the items. 

E-Bathing: "Greatest Hits" Must Mean Something Else in Russian

"Greatest" is an adjective indicating ability, quality, or eminence considerably above the normal or average. "Hit" is a noun which is informally used to indicate a piece of music that is successful. Used separately these words indicate a certain level of success. Used together, however, these words take on an oxymoronic meaning in which just about anything can be great or a hit.

E-Bathing: Buy Your Own Weight in Pudding

I had originally feared that this week's theme would leave me with a dearth of Ebay auctions as I thought that few people would choose to buy edible items from a stranger off of Ebay. I appear to be singular in my apprehension of buying food from strangers via internet auction, as there are many many auctions featuring food items. A lot of these auctions are for diet system foods, like nutrisystem or Jenny Craig. The rest are, as always, a bizarre smattering of items that appeal to, what I can only hope, is a very targeted audience.

The Mayor's Weekly Address: New Jersey and a New Posting Day

I don't know if you caught D.C.'s announcement, but today is my last post on Thursday. From here on out, I'm going to be posting on Tuesdays. I'll do my best to continue bringing you great EBay finds, but "my best" has seriously degraded since I switched jobs. Don't expect much in the way of quality or effort: if I can't promise that to my students I sure as hell can't promise it to you. What I can promise you (and my students) is that I will show up and half-ass my way through something for you each week. So in the name of Britney Spears, and all people everywhere who would just as soon sleepwalk their way through their jobs rather than call it quits, I will post something every Tuesday. After the jump, I continue to take my sweet time before I finally mention New Jersey.

Theme Announcement: Children

My last theme was "Marriage" so it follows naturally that my next theme would be children. Children are smelly, illogical, and silly. If Whitney Houston is to be believed, children are also our future. Keep that jarring thought in mind as you read this week's posts which will be all about children.

E-Bathing: It Really Ties the Room Together

I'm switching posting slots with Jerome this week. But fear not loyal Jeromiouxbeezoids, he'll be taking my spot this Thursday. Till then, sit tight and read my post.

To me, art is just something people put in their living room to make other people think they're classy. That is to say, people want to decorate their homes in such a manner as to convince their friends and family members that they have good taste, with "art" being an easy way to convey one's taste. And since art is so superfluous to the function of a room, it also shows that you have some amount of money for the finer things in life. Art varies widely because different people think different things are classy, with an unfortunately large group of people incorrectly believing that some truly tacky things are classy. After the jump, some suggested art purchases for some truly classy individuals.

E-Bathing: When it Rains, It Pours Crap From E-Bay

It's late in the summer which means that thunderstorms are frequent, and that hurricane season is kicking into high gear. It's this time of year when we humans are reminded that mankind has not conquered nature. For many of us, this reminder comes in the form of a black out. It is when the power goes out and you find yourself groping wildly for a flashlight that you realize that you aren't the least bit prepared for even a tiny emergency. Well, get prepared! September is National Preparedness Month, and you should celebrate by pulling together an emergency kit. I've got some suggestions for you after the jump. (FYI check out this site to find out what you actually need to put in your emergency preparedness kit because you can be sure that I won't be telling you to buy anything that would actually prepare you for an emergency.)

E-bathing: Fear Sells

You may notice that I am not D.C. We have switched our posting times this week so that he can have some more time to ease back into law school. As he wades back into the pool of life one inch at a time, I have been shopping on EBay for items to help allay your fears.