Circles are awesome. They're round. They can roll down hills. The ratio of their circumference to their radius . . . has something to do with pi. Here are some pictures of them. What's not to like?
That being said, I ain't got time for circles now, or any polygons for that matter. (If a circle is not technically a polygon, don't correct me, I don't care.) One Nation Under Jerome will appear in its new, improved format next week. And by "improved", I mean "I will actually write it."
Note: This is a special Internet Potato edition of One Nation Under Jerome. The theme being revisited is "pets."
John Jay, the first Chief Justice of the Supreme Court once said:
Truly, there is no better measure of a president than the demeanor of the pet that he keeps. Could one entrust our sovereign liberties to an executive who couldn't even keep his dog from shitting in his dirty clothes hamper? John Jay don't play that.
When it comes to presidential pets, they all have their foibles. You've seen them in the tabloids. Bill Clinton's cat, Socks, had a stocking fetish. Richard Nixon's dog, Checkers, was just a rhetorical device. John Quincy Adams's alligator, Archibald, was addicted to freebase cocaine.
But one president kept a better class of pet: Calvin Coolidge.
So, according to the Google, here is the 6th article for the Bathtub which is somehow related to Calvin Coolidge.
Say WHAT?!
Continue reading "One Nation Under Justin: A Pet I Can Salute " »
Anyways, (or as we say in Minnesota, "Welp",) Jerome has spent many of his columns trashing a thoroughly decent man of moderate to tall stature, Congressman Jim Ramstad, and the collateral damage has come in the form of misinformation, disinformation and uninformation about our great state of Minnesota ("The Cold State"). I'm here to set Jerome's nation straight.
First, I'd like to thank Jerome for giving me a chance to defend the honor of the Minnesota in his post. He noticed my anal-yet-accurate comments in various comment sections about Jim Ramstad not being a Scientologist, and about Jim Ramstad being a non-fictional person, and he offered me this space to respond (Incidentally, "Anal Yet Accurate" was the name of my high school garage band). His one condition, and he was quite strict on this, was that I write this post from my office, in order to make it relevant to the theme, so I am obliging him and writing from my office in downtown Duluth.
After all, proper care of your pets has never been more important. As the Bible tells us, "If a prominent NFL quarterback AND a major Republican Presidential candidate are both in hot water for their treatment of dogs in the same summer--then society really needs to focus on proper pet care." I'll let you read about the Michael Vick stuff on your own (it is pretty horrible), but Romney is basically in trouble for strapping his dog to the top of his car for 8 hours on a family vacation. This is generally only considered acceptable if your pet is a pair of skis. (Read the whole thing for some very gross details about how they realized they should probably check and see if the dog had to use the bathroom . . . or don't.) To further the ongoing professionalism of the Pet Services Industry, I propose the following DogWalker's Code.
I'm excited to write about this theme today because I have some degree of expertise. As recently as a year ago I was actually a middle management professional in the pet services industry. That is to say, I was a dogwalker--and man did I learn a lot.
Continue reading "One Nation Under Jerome: Confessions of A Dogwalker" »
This was going to be a good post--after all, how could I half-ass a post when our weekly theme is the nation that my column allegedly is supposed to focus on? Kellyq really pitched an underhanded softball my way for this week, and for that I am grateful.
Unfortunately, though, I am overwhelmed at the moment and won't be able to have a real post today. In preparation for July 4th, I am doing a variety of patriotic things right, such as bbqing, attending church, supporting the troops, and not criticizing our government, all of which take a significant amount of red-blooded American time. I'll have to give you an awesome post next week.
But if you just can't wait and need something America-related to do with your late Tuesday afternoon, please check out the website on state quarters and tell me which ones are the five worst. I'd have to go with, in no particular order. Alabama, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Louisiana, and Maryland.
Traveling abroad can be pretty difficult for the average Jerome Sixpack. The language may be unfamiliar, the people may be ugly, and it is hard to know which customs are real and which customs are joke customs just trying to trick you. Because of this difficulty, many Americans have been caricatured into an unfortunate icon of all-that-is-wrong-with-American-travelers; that is, The Ugly American.
In order to help out other Wandering Jeromoids, I've compiled a short (really, this column damn short) list of examples of right and wrong behavior when traveling. With any luck, you will not get deported if you follow the following behavior:
Continue reading "One Nation Under Jerome: Avoiding the Ugly American Syndrome" »
Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism--sure, they're legit religions alright. They have tons of people following their tenets, often in the same area, which as you can imagine can only result in peaceful coexistence. Yep, these 5 major religions are 5 good ones, that's for sure.
But as Phil Jackson or Larry Brown will tell you (those are NBA coaches for any female tubtributors other than Tori reading this post, and for Justin Douglas), any good team needs a 6th man, that they can go to in the clutch when their big dogs are running tired. So other than the big 5, who is the next best?
Well, I'm not sure. But two strong candidates are a) scientology and b) just regular science. Both of these aren't strictly religions by other definitions, but I think one might be able to fill-in for a major world religion in a pinch.
But which one, scientology or science? Let's judge, based on 7 highly important and not arbitrary categories of comparison, below.
Continue reading "One Nation Under Jerome: Who Will Be Religion's Sixth Man?" »
Ok, let's move on. Interesting behind-the-scenes fact: The Bathtub includes no fewer than 3 former Congressional interns. I'll let the other two out themselves if they choose, but I am the third, having completed an internship in 2004. Additionally, my current high-stakes political job (it's in my bio!) affords me opportunities to meet some big-shot political players. Though I guess the ones I reference below could be bigger-shots, and I didn't really meet them in my line of work, but rather at the airport and at a Wizards game, etc. Anyway, below I'll give you the behind-the-scenes scoop on spending a day with a Senator, plus a few nuggets about other famous politicos with whom I had ridiculously brief encounters.
First, let me ask . . . too soon?
As you are probably aware, marriage is a sacred institution which is under assault by liberals, homosexuals, vegetarians, etc. At least that's what I gather from the Republican debates.
I have to be honest though, I really am not positive why people are so upset by the prospect of gay marriage. Broadening the term marriage to include gays doesn't mean, I don't think, that you would actually be REQUIRED to get gay married. Does it?
Because if it does, here are some guys I would get gay married to.
Continue reading "One Nation Under Jerome: Yeah, I'd Do Him" »
Sorry folks, this will not be a satisfactory post. I don't even know what the theme is. It could be leprachauns, or the gout, or diseases Rory has.
I'm actually in Spain, on a fact-finding mission to decide whether I should pen a Spanish column "Un Nacion de Jarom." I'm pretty sure I shouldn't. But who the hell knows.
See ya next week!
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