The Bathtub

One Nation Under KELLYq & a: With Liberty and Cheez Balls for All

Note: This is a special Internet Potato version of One Nation Under Jerome wherein KELLYq revisits the theme of "snacktime".

Jerome's people are a proud people. They love zoos, root beer, and most of all, they love America. I can only assume that because they love these things, they also love all things American. This includes the snack. Recently, I threw a "Welcome Back to America" party for a friend of mine who has been living abroad in France for a number of years. When I went to the grocery store, I was on a quest to find the most quintessential American snack; something that would welcome her back to the land of the free in a manner that baguettes and foie gras just couldn't. What I came up with was...

One Nation Under Jerome: The Expert Speaks, For Some Reason

  Jerome couldn't be here today so I am guest-posting for him on a topic that I know well:  Alcohol.  Why do I know it well?  Because I recently took up a job in the Minnesota Department of Public Safety's Alcohol and Gambling Enforcement Division.  Did you know that in Minnesota, a Farm Winery License will cost you only $50, but a Distilled Spirits Wholesaler or Manufacturer License will cost you $30,000?  (Or as we say in Minnesota "30 Lake.")  You did?  Oh.  Well, anyway it's true--this is because Minnesota's state hobby is Collecting Bureacratic Fees.

One Nation Under Jerome: Now You Know My Opinion on Jelly Beans

Unfortunately I can't post today.  However, if I had to give you my top 10 "Greatest Hits" for Jelly Belly flavors, they would be, in order:

10) Dr. Pepper; 9) Watermelon; 8) Plum; 7) the light blue ones ; 6) Toasted Marshmellow; 5) Peach; 4) Blueberry; 3) Buttered Popcorn; 2) Raspberry ; 1) Juicy Pear.

Also, it should be noted that Buttered Popcorn is hands down the most polarizing flavor in the history of gelatin-related candy, followed not too distantly by Licorice, Root Beer, and Peanut Butter.

One Nation Under Jerome: The Bill Passed Snacknaminously

Ok, I'm pissed off at Congressman Jim Ramstad again.  This time, it is for entirely un-zoo-related reasons (though I do need to point out that the man is clearly unrational in his hatred of zoos.)  No, this time the reason I'm angry about Ramstad is:  Snacks.  Or should I say, the lack thereof?  Or should I say, the snack thereof?  Nah, I shouldn't say that.

WTF?  This column makes no sense.  Probably because I've been at work since 5:30 this morning.  I apologize.  Anyway, my point is that in spite of incontrovertible evidence that snacks are a) delicious, b) usually salty and c) easy to take with you in the car, we have no official national snack.  I blame Ramstad's failure to act--or rather, on his failure to snact.  Oh God, this column is just awful.

One Nation Under Jerome: Which is Why New Jersey's Official Motto is, "Hey, You Could Do Worse"

I remember once seeing a commercial for New Jersey put out by their tourism board. At the time, I was pretty amazed--the commercial had only 30 seconds to fill, and had the entire landmass of New Jersey at its disposal, so you'd think they could make it look moderately interesting. However, even looking at the best of New Jersey for only 30 seconds, you are still stuck with the general impression of "Wow, this place is awful."

That being said, you could do worse.  By my count, there are exactly 5 states that are worse than New Jersey.  They are . . .

One Nation Under Jerome: Kids in the Comics As They Relate To Your Incompetence as a Prospective Parent

I'm sure a lot of anxiety goes into being a parent, especially being a prospective parent.  Parents fret of course about what kind of world their children will grow up in, if their children will be happy in life, if they will be healthy with all the necessary apendages, that their children will live in safety and be able to fulfill their dreams.  But I'm sure, on top of all these very important concerns, the following thought has to go through the mind of any father holding his newborn baby:  "Gee, I hope this kid doesn't suck."

Of course, it can be hard to tell, especially if you love your kids, but some kids suck.  To determine the ever-present question of "How Lame is My Kid", I present to you the following diagnostic tool, using children from well-known comic strips to illustrate the point.

One Nation Under Jerome: The Art of A Bad Ad

I'm switching posting slots with the Mayor this week. But fear not loyal citizens of MacNamerica, um, she already wrote a post.  So I guess this italicized announcement is really highly unnecessay, but I just want to be consistent.

Ok, I know nothing about art.  But I know something about politics.  And the best chance us political consultants get to express ourselves artistically is through the medium of horrible television ads.  On my previous blog last campaign season, I ran a feature called Bad Ad Thursday, where I critiqued one of the zillions of terrible ads.  With apologies to Phylan for bogarting (wtf? KELLYq what does that mean?), here are three of my favorite damn bad, and consequently damn good, political ads of last cycle.

One Nation Under Jerome: I Make It Rain (278 Days A Year on Average)

I've lived in the DC area my whole life, and as Lauren has already pointed out, we've got just the right combination of geography that the weather is always on the unpleasant side. There is never any reason to leave your home, so this is one of the reasons that I try to never exercise under any circumstances.

Of course, I'm exaggerating a little, because I'm sure there are worse places weather-wise to live in in the United States. So time to look on the bright side of things. I'm glad I don't live in . . .

One Nation Under Jerome: Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Bob Barker

There is nothing more American than a game show. That statement is definitely not true, by the way . . . I saw an episode of Family Feud once in Poland. There are crazy game shows in Japan, and many of our popular shows are British spin-offs. And let's not forget Sabado Gigante, which is Telemundo's 9-hour spectacular which features sexy Mexican women, singing puppets, and a mariachi band that plays elevator music. So I guess my point is, there are many things more American than a game show.

Still, I can't deny that game shows have played a big role in American culture, particularly in creating two icons: Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek (I define an icon as "A person who is on TV every weekday at either 7 or 7:30"). So, in a column that is not a stretch at all, I'll discuss below who would make a better President, assuming they ran against each other, Sajak or Trebek.

One Nation Under Jerome: HalloWHAT?!?

Whenever people ask me, "Jerome, what in your opinion has made our nation's youth mad soft?" without fail, I answer, "Halloween." Why? Because Halloween was supposed to be scary and a way to toughen kids up, so they learn at an early age they're not supposed to go trouncing around the neighborhood after dark like a bunch of merrys eating candy lest ghouls snatch them or put them in a brew or something.

What? Basically my point is that thanks to bar crawls, which encourage funny/slutty costumes at the expense of downright terrifying costumes, Halloween is no longer our most feared holiday (Arbor Day currently has that distinction). Here's some suggestions on how to put the "fear" back in "I fear Halloween" . . .