The Bathtub

KELLYq & a: How to Tell If You Are Not Beautiful

Many of us sometimes wonder if we are beautiful. A few of us are, unquestionably, quite beautiful. Like:

- John Krasinski

But for others, questions still remain. The worksheet after the jump will help answer all those unanswered questions about your beauty/beasty ratio. Hint: You're probably more on the "beasty" side.

MAYORq&a: The Art of Making Children Cry Without Touching Them

Note: This is a special Internet Potato version of KELLYq&a wherein the Mayor revisits the theme of "children."

I am not KELLYq. I lack degrees in both adviceology and adviceonomy, and I'm no expert. One thing I do have in common with KELLYq, however, is that I am a teacher. While KELLYq teaches sixth graders, I spend my days with a group of first graders ranging in age from 5 to 8. One thing I noticed immediately about my students is that they cry. They cry a LOT. At first this disturbed and annoyed me, however I am learning to harness the emotional instability of my students to my benefit. Below, I explain how to make children cry and why it's a worthy endeavor.

KELLYq & a: Éducation de Résistance d'Abus de Drogue

Remember D.A.R.E? Wasn't it awesome? Oh, you didn't have it in your state? Please review the D.A.R.E website.

See? It was awesome. I learned a lot from D.A.R.E., including "what drugs smell like" and "how to color in a D.A.R.E.-themed coloring book." I think D.A.R.E. classes should a) be directed at adults (because hello, that's who frequently makes bad decisions regarding drugs and/or alcohol) and b) internationally, because college students abroad need help saying "no."

After the jump, please find a D.A.R.E. worksheet from my upcoming workbook, "DARE for Adults." Enjoy, and remember -- Just Say NO!

KELLYq & a: Hittlez Rhymes with Skittlez

If there's one thing I've learned in all my years of schooling, it's that when you have a deadline and you're not prepared to meet it, doing something wacky is just as well.
Today, please be mildly entertained by my musings about hitting. Clearly, I received inspiration from my editor on this one.
Oh, and clearly, I could explain why my post is lacking, but I already used that excuse a couple of weeks ago.

KELLYq&a: Snack Creation Worksheet

Snack time is my favorite time of day. I think it is a great oversight on my school's behalf that there is not an established snack time during the school day. To cope with this, I eat snacks constantly while I am teaching and rationalize that I am being a role model by being a woman and eating in front of others. (Tori -- isn't that right? Back me up here. I heard in Women's Studies class that women are taught to not eat in public.
Today I hope to foster the creation of more delicious snacks by stoking your creative fires with an awesome, not at all rigid and boring worksheet. Who knows? Soon Lauren may be writing awesome haikus about your snack!

KELLYq & a: How to Drive on the New Jersey Turnpike

One time, in college, Phylan, Lauren, and I were driving up to Rhode Island to visit the Omtubsman. (Oh, the interconnectedness of the Tub.)
We left College Park at 1pm. Why? I can't recall: perhaps I had a class I was too puss to skip. Perhaps we needed to get more Chee-tos for the car. Regardless: this was a stupid decision because:
It meant we got on the New Jersey Turnpike at 3:30 pm. And were on the turnpike until roughly 6:30. Which was when we hit the shitty, shitty rush hour traffic of New York City. And then, to add insult to injury, we had to drive through like three hours of consruction-laden, dark, lame, Connecticut.
I've been on that damn turnpike more than a few times since that fateful day, and each of them has sucked. Still, after some careful internet research, I've compiled some advice for you the next time you embark down NJTP.

KELLYq & a: How to Talk to Children

What I would really like to post today are hilarious stories that have happened to me while teaching. But, I can't because:
a) That would break laws, I've been told.
b) I don't want any of my students to find this blog, ever.
c) They might not be that funny.
So, instead, I have a helpful guide for speaking to children, which is something I do about 180 days a year. I find that most people I know who aren't teachers have very little day-to-day interaction with children. Mainly they end up talking to their bosses, co-workers, and themselves as they rant like lunatics on the way home from work. So when they do find themselves presented with this small people, they are often unprepared for the subtle differences in communication necessary for proper conduct.

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KELLYq&a: An Hilarious Prank Related To Art

I like Art. But, I also like people named Art.

Fact: Arthur is a cool, unusual name.

Fact: Art is an old-fashioned shakespeare-y verb

Fact: Art is my friend's dad and he is cool and unusual (like his name).

One time, we played an hilarious prank on Art. Graphic representation (like with pictures, not with explicit detail) is after the jump.

KELLYq & a: Cloudy with a Chance of Clanky

me: Justin, I'm so strexxed! School starts Monday and I don't know what to blog about!
Justin: But the theme is so awesome.
me: Right, the theme is awesome, but I can't think of anything to write about that's not about my classroom / school.
Justin: Hm, well a post that was exclusively about you whining about your job would be boring.
me: Crap, really? That was the only idea I had.
Justin: that has nothing to do with weather
me: I was going to call it "Writing from Beneath an Avalanche of Bullshit"
Justin: that is a bullshit connection to the theme
me: crap
Justin: Clanky?
me: Clanky!