The Bathtub

One Nation Under Jerome: Circles, Woooooo

Circles are awesome.  They're round.  They can roll down hills.  The ratio of their circumference to their radius . . . has something to do with pi.  Here are some pictures of them.  What's not to like?

That being said, I ain't got time for circles now, or any polygons for that matter.  (If a circle is not technically a polygon, don't correct me, I don't care.)  One Nation Under Jerome will appear in its new, improved format next week.  And by "improved", I mean "I will actually write it." 

Jerome's Trivia Quiz!: [Note to self, find song lyrics that relate to this week's theme]

Note: This is a special Internet Potato edition of Emily's Trivia Quiz!.  The theme being revisited is "All of them, suckas!!!" also known as "End of Semester Review."

Alright folks, listen up.  Emily's a good quiz master and all, but quite frankly she's been too easy on all of you.  Anyone remember that kids' book where the kids are mean to the nice teacher, so she wears a disguise and is real mean to the kids, and then she comes back and everyone likes her much better?  Well, A) isn't that a poor strategy tantamout to psychological child abuse?  And B) I'm going to be the bad teacher, to whip you all into shape, so you can start behaving in Emily's class again.

Below is a quiz on the entire semester of the Bathtub.  See if you can pass my end-of-semester review, taking into account every freakin' topic of this past cycle.  There is an answer key at the back of the book.

One Nation Under Jerome: Apparently the State Hobby is Commenting on Sparsely Read Blogs

First, I'd like to thank Jerome for giving me a chance to defend the honor of the Minnesota in his post.  He noticed my anal-yet-accurate comments in various comment sections about Jim Ramstad not being a Scientologist, and about Jim Ramstad being a non-fictional person, and he offered me this space to respond  (Incidentally, "Anal Yet Accurate" was the name of my high school garage band).  His one condition, and he was quite strict on this, was that I write this post from my office, in order to make it relevant to the theme, so I am obliging him and writing from my office in downtown Duluth.   

Anyways, (or as we say in Minnesota, "Welp",) Jerome has spent many of his columns trashing a thoroughly decent man of moderate to tall stature, Congressman Jim Ramstad, and the collateral damage has come in the form of misinformation, disinformation and uninformation about our great state of Minnesota ("The Cold State").  I'm here to set Jerome's nation straight.

One Nation Under Jerome: Confessions of A Dogwalker

I'm excited to write about this theme today because I have some degree of expertise. As recently as a year ago I was actually a middle management professional in the pet services industry. That is to say, I was a dogwalker--and man did I learn a lot.

After all, proper care of your pets has never been more important. As the Bible tells us, "If a prominent NFL quarterback AND a major Republican Presidential candidate are both in hot water for their treatment of dogs in the same summer--then society really needs to focus on proper pet care." I'll let you read about the Michael Vick stuff on your own (it is pretty horrible), but Romney is basically in trouble for strapping his dog to the top of his car for 8 hours on a family vacation. This is generally only considered acceptable if your pet is a pair of skis. (Read the whole thing for some very gross details about how they realized they should probably check and see if the dog had to use the bathroom . . . or don't.)

To further the ongoing professionalism of the Pet Services Industry, I propose the following DogWalker's Code.

One Nation Under Jerome: An America Post-let, Also State Quarters Are Awesome

This was going to be a good post--after all, how could I half-ass a post when our weekly theme is the nation that my column allegedly is supposed to focus on?  Kellyq really pitched an underhanded softball my way for this week, and for that I am grateful. 

Unfortunately, though, I am overwhelmed at the moment and won't be able to have a real post today.  In preparation for July 4th, I am doing a variety of patriotic things right, such as bbqing, attending church, supporting the troops, and not criticizing our government, all of which take a significant amount of red-blooded American time.  I'll have to give you an awesome post next week.

But if you just can't wait and need something America-related to do with your late Tuesday afternoon, please check out the website on state quarters and tell me which ones are the five worst.  I'd have to go with, in no particular order. Alabama, Pennsylvania, Illinois, Louisiana, and Maryland.

One Nation Under Jerome: Avoiding the Ugly American Syndrome

Traveling abroad can be pretty difficult for the average Jerome Sixpack.  The language may be unfamiliar, the people may be ugly, and it is hard to know which customs are real and which customs are joke customs just trying to trick you.  Because of this difficulty, many Americans have been caricatured into an unfortunate icon of all-that-is-wrong-with-American-travelers; that is, The Ugly American.

In order to help out other Wandering Jeromoids, I've compiled a short (really, this column damn short) list of examples of right and wrong behavior when traveling.  With any luck, you will not get deported if you follow the following behavior: 

One Nation Under Jerome: Who Will Be Religion's Sixth Man?

Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism--sure, they're legit religions alright.  They have tons of people following their tenets, often in the same area, which as you can imagine can only result in peaceful coexistence.  Yep, these 5 major religions are 5 good ones, that's for sure.

But as Phil Jackson or Larry Brown will tell you (those are NBA coaches for any female tubtributors other than Tori reading this post, and for Justin Douglas), any good team needs a 6th man, that they can go to in the clutch when their big dogs are running tired.  So other than the big 5, who is the next best? 

Well, I'm not sure.  But two strong candidates are a) scientology and b) just regular science.  Both of these aren't strictly religions by other definitions, but I think one might be able to fill-in for a major world religion in a pinch.

But which one, scientology or science?  Let's judge, based on 7 highly important and not arbitrary categories of comparison, below.

One Nation Under Jerome: There's More to Congressional Internships Than Ending Up Dead in the Woods

First, let me ask . . . too soon?

Ok, let's move on.  Interesting behind-the-scenes fact: The Bathtub includes no fewer than 3 former Congressional interns. I'll let the other two out themselves if they choose, but I am the third, having completed an internship in 2004.  Additionally, my current high-stakes political job (it's in my bio!) affords me opportunities to meet some big-shot political players. Though I guess the ones I reference below could be bigger-shots, and I didn't really meet them in my line of work, but rather at the airport and at a Wizards game, etc.

Anyway, below I'll give you the behind-the-scenes scoop on spending a day with a Senator, plus a few nuggets about other famous politicos with whom I had ridiculously brief encounters.

Theme for the Week 6/10: Behind The Scenes

Remember maybe like 6 or 7 years ago when Fox did all those "Magic's Greatest Secrets Revealed" episodes? If not, basically the premise was that some rogue magician (who had to wear a mask so as not to be blackballed from the magician society) was explaining some of the most famous illusions in popular magicianship. I remember this being great--after all, I'm no moron. I know they don't really saw the lady in half--but I always hated not knowing what was really going on.

In other words--there is something cool about being in on "the secret". What "the secret" is, of course, can vary: we could be talking about the lives of celebrities, or the affairs of politicians, or what goes on in a candy factory, or what the true meaning of Jurassic Park is (Hint: That dinosaurs are really similar to birds), and so forth.

So this week, the Bathtubbers are going to let you in on their little secrets, in whatever their areas of expertise are. Be prepared as we rip back the curtain for an all-access, VIP, behind-the-scenes tour of all of our lives. Or, failing that, maybe someone will just tell you how we came up with the name, "The Bathtub."

One Nation Under Jerome: Yeah, I'd Do Him

As you are probably aware, marriage is a sacred institution which is under assault by liberals, homosexuals, vegetarians, etc. At least that's what I gather from the Republican debates.

I have to be honest though, I really am not positive why people are so upset by the prospect of gay marriage. Broadening the term marriage to include gays doesn't mean, I don't think, that you would actually be REQUIRED to get gay married. Does it?

Because if it does, here are some guys I would get gay married to.