The Bathtub

One Nation Under Jerome: The Expert Speaks, For Some Reason

  Jerome couldn't be here today so I am guest-posting for him on a topic that I know well:  Alcohol.  Why do I know it well?  Because I recently took up a job in the Minnesota Department of Public Safety's Alcohol and Gambling Enforcement Division.  Did you know that in Minnesota, a Farm Winery License will cost you only $50, but a Distilled Spirits Wholesaler or Manufacturer License will cost you $30,000?  (Or as we say in Minnesota "30 Lake.")  You did?  Oh.  Well, anyway it's true--this is because Minnesota's state hobby is Collecting Bureacratic Fees.

The Raiftubsman/Gorg-O's Time to Shine: You're All A Bunch of Wusses

  Well, it sure was an awful week as far as the Bathtub was concerned!  (Or should I say, as FEAR as the Bathtub was concerned!!)  We were subjected to Tubtributor after Tubtributor whining because their moms never left the nightlight on, or their dads never drove them to skee-ball practice, or things of that nature.  If I gave out prize tickets depending on the level of skillz for writing about fear . . . you guys wouldn't even win enough to buy one of those plastic cup and ball toys that you get from the prize booth!!  Hat, hat, hat!!

I was appalled to learn, however, that longtime Tub Superfan Gorg-O was not as pessimistic as I was about this week.  This inspired a Tito vs. Willoughby style debate between me and Gorg-O, which we have submitted to the Omtubsman.  Read it . . . if you dare!!! Hat, hat, hat!!

One Nation Under Jerome: Apparently the State Hobby is Commenting on Sparsely Read Blogs

First, I'd like to thank Jerome for giving me a chance to defend the honor of the Minnesota in his post.  He noticed my anal-yet-accurate comments in various comment sections about Jim Ramstad not being a Scientologist, and about Jim Ramstad being a non-fictional person, and he offered me this space to respond  (Incidentally, "Anal Yet Accurate" was the name of my high school garage band).  His one condition, and he was quite strict on this, was that I write this post from my office, in order to make it relevant to the theme, so I am obliging him and writing from my office in downtown Duluth.   

Anyways, (or as we say in Minnesota, "Welp",) Jerome has spent many of his columns trashing a thoroughly decent man of moderate to tall stature, Congressman Jim Ramstad, and the collateral damage has come in the form of misinformation, disinformation and uninformation about our great state of Minnesota ("The Cold State").  I'm here to set Jerome's nation straight.

Prison Break: Prompting Tori to Divorce Me as a Friend

I told Tori I had a lot to say about the topic of marriage.  Guess what?  I lied. 

Suck it.

   

   

 

 

 

Fear not, loyal readers.  Tori will be back in a week.

Prison Break: One Man's Escape From The Cage

"Men in Cages" is on hiatus for the next two weeks.  While Tori is away, you will be subjected to the ramblings of some hack she played trumpet with in college.  This hack devoted the vast majority of his college career to tomfoolery, and yet, somehow managed to get a ridiculously high-level job with a technologies company upon graduating.  He currently makes about a bazillion dollars a year and has homes in both New York and Boston.  Also, he's kind of offensive.

Listen: the best sex in the world is with anonymous bee keepers.  Look it up.

While Tori is taking a break from the Tubb to grab some fatty snacks, her friend the Gerbs is taking over.  I'm not quite as Pseudo-Lesbo as Tori and I don't care much for Drugs McLohan, so things might be a little different here for the next week or two.  But at least I'll be somewhat brief.

Jim Ramstad's Corner: I Think Zoos Are Terrible

Congressman Jim Ramstad here, reporting from the 3rd Congressional District of Minnesota (possibly--I'm not sure which.  It's the cold one, whatever it is).

Unfortunately, Rory has been grounded by his mother and can't come out and play today.  Which is a good thing, because as we all know, Rory's patriotism has come into question because of his rabid support for the awful Zoo Reform Act.  Which is what I'm here to talk about today.

As Jerome has likely made you aware, I have long not been a fan of zoos.  I can admit it--in fact, that information is available on the public record.  In 2000 I ran under the slogan "Vote Ramstad--Zoos Must Be Destroyed."  In 1998, I ran under the slogan, "A Zoo Saved Is a Zoo Earned, But I Hate Zoos."  In 1996 I ran under the slogan, "Lower Taxes, Less Government."  That year I was pretty much ok with zoos.

But anyway, in conclusion--I refuse to take this issue of Zoo Reform seriously unless people call my office at (202) 225-2871 and tell my staff "I want you and Jerome from www.thebathtub.net to Zoobate this important issue of Zoo Reform."  And I'm talking CONSTANTLY call me.  C'mon, scared?  The only thing that will change my mind is several phone calls, and I would be quite willing to Zoobate Jerome.  In the meantime, I'll be spitting in Tai Shan the Panda's general direction, which I will be doing because of my hatred of zoos.

(Editor's note:  We at the Bathtub have not been able to authenticate whether or not this is ACTUALLY Rep. Jim Ramstad, so we'll have to take him at his word that he is.)

Raif on Raif: The Guest Postest With the Mostest (Skee Ball Tickets)

RAIF IN THE HOUSE!  Greetings! Raif's my name, and guest-blogging for Tito and Rory is my game. Though, more accurately, skee-ball is my game, and today I'll be dipping my enormous skee-balls in the tub. You might think the moisture would be bad for skee-balls--but you'd be wrong!! In actuality, most skee-balls are finished with a synthetic oak-veneer designed to repel moisture. Just one of the thousands of interesting facts about skee-ball.

I will not bore you, however, with these facts--I have something much more exciting on tap than that.  As we all know, conventional wisdom has long contended that studying history is more fun than playing skee-ball.  Not so!  Even Clanky would have to agree that there is nothing quite like hitting 10 straight 100s on a standard 13 foot ramp!  Though I doubt Clanky could even hit 5 straight 100s on a junior level 10 foot ramps!!  Hat, hat, hat!!  Anyway, I will elaborate below.