Nerdish Leanings: Now That's What I Call Sports!

I must confess that my early education was a bit scant in the sports department. That is to say that I learned how to play softball when I was twenty-five. From KELLYq. It was the sort of situation for which "most improved" awards were created. The reason for this gap in my education is that I'm a second-generation nerd (and my grandparents are none-too-cool, either). My mom's sport of choice was highland dancing, and my dad's sport of choice was chemistry. You see, most sports emphasize physical strength, endurance, and agility. This makes the average nerd feel self-conscious.

I have some suggestions for how certain sports could be modified in order to appeal to a nerdier audience.

1. The first round of every boxing match will feature both competitors whaling on one of the popular kids from high school

Boxing is a pretty barbaric sport, and nerds hate barbarians. However, if every boxing match opened with an incredibly uneven fight where both professional boxers teamed up on one person who was a pompous jerk in high school, this might change. This sort of lopsided beating would draw in the nerdy crowd for the beginning of the match, and then, once their bloodlust is up, they would be inclined to watch the rest of the fight.
Of course, if by some chance the designated jerk was also a professional boxer, they would be somehow physically constrained, or maybe have to wear a blindfold or eat bees before the match.

2. Every possession in football must have at least one trick play

This is how football works, as far as I know:

1. Fifty big fat guys spend ten minutes carefully getting into two lines facing each other.
2. For 15 seconds, they push each other.
3. Commercial break.
4. Somebody kicks a ball, for some reason.
5. Commercial break.
6. goto 1

If the shenanigans in these videos were more commonplace, I might be compelled to watch the game. I want to see teams throwing their players over the defensive line and using mirrors to trick the opposing team into scoring for you.

Also, upon scoring a touchdown, instead of a two-point conversion, the coaches would compete in a rubik's cube race.

3. In every sport, the mascots must always be on the field/court

This would probably have some impact on the sorts of mascots that teams choose. I imagine you would see less teams like the "Baltimore Morbidly Obese Dachshunds" and more teams like "The Raleigh Stilt-Walking Engines of Death."

4. Competitive Geometry
I just found this video intensely hypnotic and had no other way to work it into this week's theme.

Justin Douglas writes "Nerdish Leanings" for The Bathtub on Monday afternoons.  You can e-mail him at j.d.bathtub@gmail.com.

Comments

[Tori]

Let it be known that Justin Douglas is the most clutch softball player of all time. (Or, at the very least, the most clutch player on a fairly mediocre team that didn't always excel in clutch situations.)

[30 Rock]

Which biography of Winston Churchill do you think will help Jamal with his bunting?