The Bathtub: E-Bathing:Longer & Harder

This week I was dismayed to find that the just about the only stimulants available for sale on EBay are of a sexual nature. I'm considering a sexual harassment suit against Phylan for making me look at all this filth. The only bright side to this situation is that the 14 year old boy in me got to giggle heartily at all the stupid names people have created for their wang medications. After the jump, ridickulousness.

I never thought it would come to this, but I don't have enough time to make fun of penis medicine. This means that I'm going to be incredibly lazy, and leave the "must have of the week" choosing to you. I've found 3 equally stupid sounding sexual stimulants. Read about each one, and then leave a comment saying which is your personal must-have of the week.

Contestant #1: Long Jack
It's got the requisite double-entendre title, and, according to the seller it works with alcohol so "a few drinks won't limit your options." God forbid you get drunk and want to make some risky sexual mistakes, but your erection medicine won't work.

Contestant #2: Ying-Da-Wang
This one is all for the ladies, and it is supposed to "increase the Moisture Secretions within the female organ." Sexy. It's also kind of expensive and Chinese, so I bet it's made out of Tiger penis or something gross like that. Interesting note, according to the seller, Frankyzilla, it works best when it is taken with alcohol on an empty stomach. So, getting a woman drunk will help this sex pill work? I suspect you could probably take the pill out of the equation and still achieve similar results.

Contestant #3: Suregasm
This one is also for the ladies. It's all about helping you attain orgasms, blah blah blah. Best just to let the seller do all the talking, "Unfortunately, many women tend to believe that there is something wrong with them— or even that they are "frigid"— if they can't climax on demand." I'm actually proud to say that I am completely, 100% unable to climax on demand. I would argue, in fact, that the ability to climax on demand is a creepy and weird talent that should be kept secret, like playing the accordion or knowing pi to the 100th place.

These are your choices, let me know which is the best.

The Mayor writes for the Bathtub every Tuesday morning. For more information click here.