EBathing: Is This Really a Sport?

According to my computer's dictionary, a sport is "an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment." (emphasis added). Normally I believe anything I read off my Mac's dashboard dictionary. However, I think that  in this instance Oxford fell short by failing to define the degree of physical exertion that is required for a game to be considered a true sport. Because of this lapse, a lot of fat, eldery and easily winded people out there have managed to sneak some games from the "hobby" category to "sports." (This means you bowlers and golfers).  EBay has half a million auctions for "sporting goods." While many of these auctions are for legitimate sports, some are for sports of a more dubious nature. After the jump, auctions for some of the fakest sports of which I have ever heard.

First up is this LED-light up Bocce ball set. When I first learned about Bocce, I was in 8th grade. I learned it by it's french name "Petanque," which I initially thought was just some French onomatopoeic term for falling (it sounds like pay-tahnk).  Then I realized that my mannish French substitute teacher was actually talking about some boring game that's kind of like shuffle board but with balls. Old people and Cap Hillers like this game, so already its status as a sport is arguable. Check out the auction, but be warned there's a video on the site, so you should turn down your speakers if at work.

Next, I found this Go-Kart racing suit. I am already skeptical that car racing is a sport, so I am even more skeptical that tiny-car racing is a sport. A uniform could potentially give credence to the argument that an activity is a sport, but in the case of Go Kart racing it would just make its wearer look asinine. Anyone who takes their tiny-car racing so seriously that they have to wear a $100 uniform is probably a blow hard. Pretty much the only uniform required to wear a tiny car is a fez, so this whole jumpsuit thing is a little ridic. Sidenote: How can an activity found at an amusement park be considered a sport? Moreover, if Go-Kart racing is a sport, then shouldn't Bumper Car driving be a sport? That definitely requires some skill, and it requires a considerable amount of physical exertion to steer one of those rickety things.

Now on to the most ridiculous "sport" yet: Cornhole. That's right, it's called Cornhole. Apparently it's a very elaborate game of beanbag toss with an unfortunately scatological name. Supposedly this game started in Ohio and got its name from the corn-kernel filled bags, which means that the game probably should have been called Corn Bag, but whatever. This game is played in rural areas throughout the US where it is a distant second on the list of favorite sports (#1 is using and making crystal meth, which requires both skill and physical exertion).  This game has a lot of rules (which you can read about here if you are so inclined), and its players, apparently unsatisfied in playing  a game named after an anus, bandy about sexual terms such as "the lewinsky," "rimmer," and "rim job" to describe the way in which the bean bag falls through the hole. If you are interested in playing this game, please check out the Mayor's must have of the week: a set of Cornholes boards and matching bags. As a bonus, these boards come in Ohio State colors so you can celebrate Cornhole AND the buckeyes in one fell swoop. For a mere $112 you could be one small step closer to the American Cornhole Association, and one giant step further away from athletic legitimacy.

The Mayor writes for the Bathtub every Tuesday morning. For more information click here.

Comments

[Tori]

So, I must admit, I am actually an experienced Cornhole player. Here's the real must-have of the week: a "Cornhole Champion" t-shirt. That's right. I own one. Commence the envy.

[Lauren]

Ugh, RM had a Petanque team

[Tori]

And who was our favorite joueur de petanque? Mahan Esfahani.

[Bridget]

In Iowa we call cornhole "bags". In the spring or early fall you will be hardpressed to find any dude anywhere not outside playing it on an elaborately decorated set of boards. One of my friends called it "Cornhole" once, and we teased her mercilessly for sounding like such a hick.

[sally jesse]

i used to play bocce ball w/ my best friend in elementary school and, even as a very akward, non-sporty skinny kid, did not think it was a sport. seriously, if this is a sport, so is skeeball (sorry raif). and am i the only person who's never heard 'cornhole' used to describe anything but the anus?

[Sally Jesse]

Sally Jesse, anyone who remembers Beavis and Butthead (and also Cornholio) will be familiar with cornhole as a synonym for anus.

[sally jesse]

obviously. I meant exclusively as the anus. I've never heard cornhole mean anything else. on that note- that cornhole champion shirt is unbelievably awesome.