Too Much Information: Dolls!

When I was a kid, I loved dolls--and back in the '80s, dolls had jobs to do.  Some could eat food and poop it out, others could grow their hair if your cranked their arms.  Today, I will recall a few personal favorites.

The most exciting dolls were usually the ones that were advertised as "so lifelike!" or "just like a real baby!"  However, although the commercials for them were always extremely compelling, the resulting dolls were usually so not real.  They were basically design flaws in pink dresses, as with Exhibits A and B below.

Baby Alive

I always knew there was something Not Right with the way Baby Alive's face looked, and it wasn't until much, much later that I realized it was the fact that she looked like a blow-up doll.  However, the permanently open mouth was the aesthetic price we had to pay for this "realistic" doll that could eat and drink and--get this--poop and pee!

Even as a child I was acutely aware that Baby Alive, who actually belonged to my sister, was just a scam to get people to keep going back to Toys R Us to buy the special food packets she ate and the diapers she crapped the runny little cherry powder mix into five seconds later.  As a result, the lesson we all learned from Baby Alive was not "babies need frequent feedings and diaper changes;" it was, "when food and diapers get to expensive, you can just stop buying them and move onto a doll that is more fun and doesn't trickle wee wee onto you."

Water Baby

 On the commercials, this doll wiggled and jiggled happily when touched, on account of the fact that she was filled with water.  She looked so real! 

In real life, though, this doll was just a hot water bottle with a head.  Yes, she jiggled when you touched her, but that was it.  You couldn't hold her for extended amounts of time, because she was way too floppy and was usually leaking tepid water from the plug in her back.  She was just as lifelike as any boneless, muscle-less child you might encounter.

Water Baby's head was the only exception to her jigglyness: it was hard, plastic, and weighed about 10 pounds.  If you accidentally hit your head against Water Baby's, the pain was pretty bad.  Parenting lesson learned: baby heads are made of steel.

Another booming subset of the doll market were the dolls that lit up, sparkled, etc.  They usually required huge batteries, ones that you would have to steal from your parents' emergency flashlight, and then when there was a blackout you would have to explain that the reason we were all stumbling around in the dark was because you wasted the D batteries making your PJ Sparkles doll glow for two straight hours.

PJ Sparkles

The story behind PJ Sparkles, as best as I can recall from fragmented memories supplemented by Google searching, was that she was an orphan who was so excited to be loved by you that your hugs made her light up.  That's not desperate-sounding.

(On a related note, why did so many dolls have an orphan back story? Isn't that a little depressing?)

P.J. Sparkles--with her jewelry, Aryan good looks and the sparkle filaments running through her hair--was a big favorite of mine.  However, she was also quite uncomfortable to sleep with due to the ginormous plastic light-up bow on her head.

Finally, I want to give a shout out to a doll who I loved to pieces and whose look I think has withstood the test of time.

Punky Brewster

Punky Brewster was the bomb.  I went through a phase where I brought mine everywhere.  She even came to my uncle's wedding, wearing a miniature matching flower girl dress over her jeans and mismatched sneaks.

Looking at this picture, I think Punky still has it goin' on.  That outfit is still totally sweet, and the bandana around her knee is so gangsta, it's unbelievable.

If you're loving the '80s doll action, here are a couple sites to keep you going:

• Kaylee's Collectible Dolls of the Eighties
• Toys from Another Time
• Timeless Trinkets

Lauren McMahon (e-mail, website) writes "Too Much Information" on Tuesdays at 2:00.  Find out more here.

Comments

[KELLYq]

Wow I remember the commercials for these dolls SO vividly.

Notably absent from your list: American Girl Dolls! I had Kirsten and I think you had / wanted Molly?

[sally jesse]

no way- I had Kristen too! Part of her backstory was that her best friend died of cholera on the way over from Sweden. I wasn't really into dolls when I was little (I always got Barbies as presents from friends and relatives and once a friend and I ripped all of their heads off and put them in a basket), but I did have a PJ Sparkles- she Was really hard and pokey and uncomfortable.

[Caitlar]

I remember that I didn't have many of those dolls growing up, but that I liked to play at my friend's house because she did have them. I , like Sally Jesse, always played with Barbies and didn't have a lot of baby dolls. But I do remember having this one doll, I don't remember the name. But it was supposed to be very "real" and you had to dunk it in water to find out if it was a boy or a girl? Anyone?

[sally jesse]

I didn't play with barbies- I begrudgingly accepted them as gifts and then ripped their heads off.

[Flower Girl]

Oh i love barby dolls...when i was 12 years i had many dolls with me... i loved to play with dolls...the dolls i had at that time were very real in their look...

anyways nice dolls..thanks for sharing this post....

[flower girl dress for less]

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[flower girl dress]

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