The Bathtub: Reasonable Doubt: Perfect

By now, some of you might have realized that I took Thanksgiving day off. That has nothing to do with how much time I had to blog in the hours leading up to last Thursday, but I just wondered how many of you would have schlepped over here to read it. That said, I love this theme because it gives me a chance to tell you exactly what I did on Thanksgiving that I thought was more worthwhile than posting.

10:00 am
You know how some in their early twenties look forward to going home for Thanksgiving just for the amenities? Anyone mid-twenties would jump at the chance to sleep on nicer bed linens, and use a nicer bathroom for a couple of days, especially one you don't have to clean at the end. It's like a little hotel! Well, that's not the case with me. I took my bed from my parent's house when I moved out, and so on Wednesday night after coming home, when I went to go to sleep, all I saw in my room was a twin mattress on the floor. I was not in any sort of mood to argue, so I put on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt, pulled a bathrobe over me as a blanket, and went to sleep.

This is me waking up 7 hours later, cold and cranky.

10:15 am
One thing my parents house has that I do not: video games. I played Halo 3 for seven hours yesterday, and I needed to get my fix before starting the day.

11:58 pm
My mother pokes me with a stick until I put down the controller and walk away. She must have seen me start drooling again. I complain that I only started playing a couple minutes ago. That's how Halo time works.

12:14
I lace up my tennis shoes for a run. I'm not messing around this year -- I will finish two full plates. I think the best way to do this is to burn some calories early, to kick start the metabolism. Nothing like a 20-minute run to get you going on some stuffing!

12:26
Stop running.

12:30
Shower and get ready for the trip to my aunt and uncle's house, about 40 minutes away. I think I remember hearing that she wants us there by 1:30.

1:35
Leave house.

1:55
Complete "Scrabblegram" in Washington Post! High score, bitch.

2:03
About to get on the Dulles Toll Road, my father takes an interesting approach to the elderly man in the car in front of us who couldn't manage to pay the toll in less than 10 seconds: yelling and cursing. I chime in, "Yeah, what is that bastard's problem? I've been moderately -- wait, no, marginally -- inconvenienced. Time for the nursing home. Or euthanasia."

2:22
Arrive just under an hour late. Note: we are never late to Christmas. You want to bribe me to show up on time, I will accept.

2:22 and a half
Crack the first beer.

2:35
I feel like every extended family Thanksgiving can go one of two ways: Someone can spend days and days cooking and preparing anywhere between 7 and 19 different dishes to serve to the huddled masses, or someone can put out a ring of cocktail ship, wheat thins, and that delicious orange cheese log that looks like it has almonds on the outside of it and tell everyone "now don't spoil your appetite." Doing both is unnecessary. We always do both.

3:08
Beer and football, football and beer, snacks snacks snacks.

3:39
The food items start to come out for their final preparation. Did I forget to mention that Porkchop made the trip?! Well, he smells the food and has entrenched himself in the most heavily trafficked path. I think he knows that if someone trips over him, an entire tray of something is hitting the floor. Dogs are smart like that. Here's a recent picture.

4:01
I've been managing to avoid picking at any of the dinner food for a while, but I just had my first taste of turkey, and goddamn that was good. Dinner better come quick or I'm going to pick myself a plate.

4:11
Dinner did not come quick. I've had ham, turkey, stuffing, potatoes, and cranberry sauce already.

4:24
Alright, alright, alriiiight! Dinner is official served. I make it a point to get a little of everything on the first go 'round, and then I eat it one dish at a time.

4:27
Time for the second plate. If you waste time, you're done.

4:39
I hit the wall with about 4 big bites left on the second plate. It's just not gonna happen. Time to concentrate solely on football.

5:15
Zzzzzzzzz-- Wha? I'm awake I'm just resting my eyezzzzzzz.

6:00
Stop making fun of me, Mom! Lots of people fall asleep after binge eating and drinking all day. With a beer in their hand. This football game is getting ugly and boring so I just think zzzzzzzz.

6:14
Second time today my mother has poked me with a stick. Am I the only one who gets this abuse?

7:01
Pie? Yes, I have room for pie.

7:05
Two bites of pie later... no, there is no room for pie. Get me outta here. I want to go home so I can sleep on my floor.

D.C. writes "Reasonable Doubt" for The Bathtub on Thursday mornings. You can e-mail him at dc.bathtub@gmail.com.