In college I took a some philosophy classes. I'm not sure I learned anything worth knowing in any of them, but I did learn that for any philosophy class, you only needed to be able to ask and answer two questions to seem knowledgeable about philosophy without sounding like a prick*:
1. "What would Ghandi do in this situation?" (Or Jesus, if you somehow find yourself in a non-atheist philosophy class -- just kidding, those don't exist.)
2. "What would Hitler do in the same situation?"
* = You will probably still sound like a prick. Only pricks take philosophy.
It's just so easy to paint things into extreme corners. Good and evil, right and wrong, Hitler and Ghandi...
Say Ghandi is walking down the street and he sees 4 people tied to railroad tracks down one rail, and 1 person tied to the tracks down the other. Would he divert the train so it killed less people?
Ghandi: I'm not sure Ghandi would have the muscle mass to flip the train switch if he wanted to. Next question.
Would Hitler divert the train so it killed more people?
Hitler: Will that live up to your expectations? Then yes, he would. Why not. Get me a soda.
There are some prisoners chained in a cave...
Hitler: "I like where this is going!"
Ghandi: "I've been chained in a cave. That sucked!"
Is there a God?
Ghandi: "Just one?"
Hitler: "Yes, and it's me."
If Hitler and Ghandi traded places, and Hitler were left to try to unite a subcontinent, would he have succeeded?
That's not really a philosophy ques--
Would Ghandi have killed all those people if he were Hitler?
No, because he advocated non-violence as a means of--
Could Jesus beat Ghandi in a fight?
Look, they don't fight, that's why they're Ghandi and Jesus.
Could Jesus beat Hitler?
No!
So Hitler would win? You're saying Hitler's better?
NO!
You said that! You said Jesus couldn't beat Hitler in a fight!
Christ, you students are annoying. You all get A-minuses. Now leave me alone.
You said Christ! Does that mean Jesus could beat Hitler??
Yes. Yes it does.
D.C. writes "Reasonable Doubt" for The Bathtub on Thursday mornings. You can e-mail him at dc.bathtub@gmail.com.
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