Nerdish Leanings: Holiday Nerdogenic Toy Guide

It is either the dream or the fear of every parent to have their child turn out to be a nerd. Some imagine that their kid could one day win the Nobel Prize or the Loebner Prize. Others fear that their kid won't make the football squadron, or that their child's weener will remain unused until their first encounter with a Bangkok ladyboy on a "business trip" some time in their mid-30s. Both are valid points of view.

When the holiday season rolls around this year, use this article as a guide for what to buy (or not buy) your kid for christmas, depending on whether you want them to be a nerd or not.

Train Set
Choo Choo! All aboard the dickweed express! Train sets emphasize the following things:
1. Meticulous attention to detail
2. Sitting
3. Not touching things

Why would you ever purchase a train set for your child? To inspire them to become a train engineer? To inspire them to work in a hobby shop? Good Christ, I hope not*.

If you want your kid to grow up normal, but insist on getting them a train set, I would suggest this crazy shit from China based solely on the packaging. It will help to teach them how to laugh at foreign cultures, which, if I remember high school correctly, is a pretty good strategy to cement your place in the upper echelons of coolness.

Erector Set
January 2nd, 7th grade. Little Justin Douglas comes back to school after winter vacation. He has a stupid grin on his face, excited and eager to learn all that his little noggin can fit.
Before language arts begins, the people who happen to sit near him are talking about what they got for Christmas, Hannukah, and Kwanzaa.
"I got a Playstation!" says Billy.
"OH SWEET! I got a Gameboy Pocket!" says Tommy.
"Nice! I got an ERECTOR SET!" says little Justin Douglas.
An expectant silence falls over the group of lads. In 7th grade, the word "pencil" was a synonym for "penis," so saying "pencil" made you gay.
Needless to say, using the word "erector" guaranteed you would be labeled as a gaywad, or at least a dorkwad or geekwad.
If you are thinking about getting your kid an erector set, you should also consider getting them some wedgie-proof underwear and a toilet-snorkel.

Rock Tumbler
Oh yeah, tumble some rocks. Fucking sweet. You know what will help your kid get laid? A bunch of smooth rocks. If you think that your child has an interest in rocks, get them a slingshot, which is much more dangerous (and therefore cooler).

Chemistry Set

Assuming that your kid is smart enough to use a chemistry set and not require a skin graft, they'll probably end up with a persistent weird odor or central nervous system damage. Either way, it's going to make it that much harder for them to make friends at school. God forbid they actually take an interest in chemistry, no saving them if that happens.
A cooler alternative would be to get your child drugs. Kids these days LOVE drugs **.

Magic: The Gathering
Tricked you! Magic cards are not toys, they are a Collectible Card game.

Dungeons and Dragons
Tricked you again! Dungeons and Dragons is not a toy, it's an interactive fantasy story-telling system.

Well, I hope that his has been informative for all of you uninformed parents out there. If you want your kids to be cool, just ask yourself "Can this toy be used to hurt people?" If the answer is yes, buy it immediately.

Justin Douglas writes "Nerdish Leanings" for The Bathtub on Monday afternoons.  You can e-mail him at j.d.bathtub@gmail.com.

* I was thinking about cracking wise about the kind of people that own hobby shops, but then I found this website and realized that it would actually probably be a really sweet, idyllic lifestyle.
** Make sure to read the comments section... the best part is how there are two sides, and both sound equally retarded and poorly copy-edited.
Americans Blaming China: "So waht are we suppose to buy our children for CHristmas? I know my mother will not buy anything clothes, shoes toys that are made in CHina. it makes you think is over seas trying to kill us AMericans?"
Chinese Blaming America: "And why don't the American company inspect the item before putting it on the shelves? Are the American being cheap and try to save money?"

Comments

[KELLYq]

Trains are for BUTTS and WEINERS

Justin Douggy, this might be the funniest thing you've ever written!

[Howie Boyd]

Full of beans Justin and Q - trains are cool. Always have been, always will be. Plus - you both missed the boat - this week's topic was Tovs http://www.ozonelayer.noaa.gov/action/tovs.htm

[KELLYq]

my dad rules