Nerdish Leanings: SPOILER ALERT!

If there's one thing that nerds love doing on the internet, it's spoiling the happy surprises of others. This week, I'll be systematically sucking the fun out of all of your favorite holidays.

Thanksgiving
Ostensibly, this is a holiday about giving thanks for our friends, family, and the many blessings of living in America. We really appreciate all that we have, and for one day of the year, we are content.

Then, Friday rolls around.

Let's all give thanks for not being crushed by a deal-hungry crowd of people. Unless you were one of the many, many poor souls who were crushed by a deal-hungry crowd of people.

Christmas

OK. I'm not even going to bother mentioning how ridiculous the celebration of Christmas has become. In my opinion, it's not worth discussing how far divergent the holiday is from a religious celebration of the birth of Jesus, as it's pretty clear that Jesus was born nowhere near December 25th. The point is moot. Late December happens to be a pretty kick-ass party season, and I'm perfectly happy to rearrange a birthday or two if it means I get presents on the regular.

No, my major beef with Christmas is Santa Claus. I'm 99% sure that Santa Claus is bullshit. How could he travel to so many houses in one night? What about people that don't have chimneys? How do his reindeer fly? How has he broken into so many houses and never been charged with a crime, or shot by a vigilante?

There's just too many open questions. Santa Claus is a crock. Your parents are the ones that put the presents under the tree. If you don't get what you want, they're the ones that are to blame.

Easter

RABBITS DON'T LAY EGGS! Rabbits have nothing to do with eggs!

Has the whole world gone crazy? If you get a candy egg on easter, it was shat out of a giant machine full of corn syrup and bone meal, not some enchanted rabbit. Ridiculous.

The Fourth of July
The Fourth of July actually originally occurred on the fourth of August. It was moved to July to coincide with an already existing holiday (coincidentally, also named "The Fourth of July").

Labor Day
For those of you having children on labor day, you've got it all wrong.

Labor day is about working, not childbirth. However, surprisingly little labor actually takes place on this day. This has always struck me as ridiculous, like celebrating Boxing day without watching boxing.

Boxing Day
Not actually about watching boxing, dammit. It's about being Canadian.

Justin Douglas writes "Nerdish Leanings" for The Bathtub on Monday afternoons.  You can e-mail him at j.d.bathtub@gmail.com.

Comments

[Lauren]

Did not need to see that labor video.

[justin]

That was by far the least-disturbing video of labor on the internet. Though the music kind of creeped me out.

[EmGusk]

yayyyy boxing dayyy

[The Notorious H.A.M.]

Dude, Boxing Day has nothing to do with being Canadian other than the fact that Canada is a Commonwealth country and most of those countries celebrate it.