Alcohol is great, but from dating a sworn abstainer I've come to accept
over the years that it's not necessarily for everyone. There are
benefits to an alcohol-free life; for example, those who choose not to
drink are staving off a hell of a lot of extra calories, while at the
same time keeping a lot of brain cells and dignity they may have otherwise lost. However, abstainers aren't automatically more responsible and virtuous than the rest of us; Wikipedia's "
List of teetotalers"
contains both billionaires and serial killers. This is because, in my
opinion, whether or not drinking alcohol is a good idea varies greatly
from person to person.
To prove my point, I have chosen a few representative teetotalers from said Wikipedia list and combined them with my own ability to speculate (obligatory disclaimer: neither of those sources are wholly reliable, and when taken together they are downright sketchy) in an attempt to decide which of society's most famous Sober Sallys are better off for not having been drinkers--and which are not.
Group 1: People Who Were Better Off Without Alcohol
Isaac Asimov, prolific author (500+ books), Mensa Vice President, and pretty much The Man when it comes to any and all things sci-fi. Clearly this was a productive guy, and alcohol is productivity's most potent antidote. Plus, Asimov was a claustrophile, and drinking does not mix well with small, enclosed spaces.
Kathy Griffin, the comedian behind My Life on the D List. If that's how obnoxious this woman is
without drinking, then I don't think anyone wants to see her drunk.
Donald Trump, rich obnoxious man with notoriously bad hair. See above explanation for Kathy Griffin.
Ben Carson, famous neurosurgeon. It goes without saying that anyone who might be touching my brain had better not have spent the previous night shotgunning Beast.
Group 2: People Who Maybe Coulda Benefited from an Occasional Happy Hour
John Wilkes Booth, assassin of Abraham Lincoln. It's not like it could have made him any worse. Plus, maybe if he was drunk he would have missed.
Neal S. Dow, the "Father of American Prohibition." He was one of Prohibition's biggest proponents and even earned the Prohibition Party's presidential nomination, but all it got him was the a lame nickname "The Napoleon of Temperance" and a reputation as one of the biggest party poopers in American history.
Ken Jennings, Jeopardy! champ. The Washington Post revealed that Jennings is "a Mormon and former missionary who aces the Potent Potables category thanks to flashcards his wife, Mindy, made to drill him on cocktails." While I love the image of a nerdy Mormon couple spending Saturday night sipping ginger ale and flipping through index cards of drink recipes, I have to say that I think Ken would have had a lot more fun memorizing those drink facts if he'd actually tried a few.
Group 3: Too Hard to Tell
Warren Buffet, billionaire businessman and philanthropist. Warren's the kind of smart and business-savvy guy who was bound to succeed no matter what. If he'd been a drinker he'd probably have ended up more like Jimmy Buffet, who makes anywhere from $40-$100 million per year capitalizing on margarita-flavored fame--but that's still a pretty nice haul, and he'd get to wear more Hawaiian shirts.
Naomi Campbell, supermodel and notorious bitch. On the one hand, alcohol would at least give Naomi an excuse for doing all of the awful stuff she's done; on the other hand, it could also have made her fat. Then her career would have been over before she ever had a chance to get famous and throw cell phones at people.
Chamillionaire, rapper. In a profession where drugs and alcohol have sidelined many a promising career, Chamillionaire's sobriety might be a valuable leg up. Then again, what's a pimp cup worth if you can only fill it with water?
Lauren McMahon (e-mail, website) writes "Too Much Information" on Mondays at noon. Find out more here.
"anyone who might be touching my brain had better not have spent the previous night shotgunning Beast."
Just made me choke on my diet Coke. Nice.
Posted by: Andrea | October 01, 2007 at 12:09 PM