Too Much Information: I Told You a Post Was Coming!

Sorry I'm a bit late, and thanks to D.C. for receiving my urgent "WAITING FOR VERIZON TECH PLS POST 4 ME KTHXBAI" text message and alerting the masses.  My new house is finally connected to the Internet, and this post is officially the first thing I'm sending out over those fresh new lines and into the great, wide world--although that shouldn't fool you into thinking it's going to be extra-good, or any good at all.  After the jump, I invent myself a brand new family composed entirely of sitcom characters.

Don't get me wrong, I love my real family the most, but I know I'm not the first person to wonder what it would have been like to have been born into one of those families you see on TV shows.  This week, I sat down and really thought about the following question:

If I had to build a new family for myself using only characters from '80s and '90s sitcoms, who would I choose?

The results are as follows.

The Mom
I ruled out Susanne Somers in Step by Step and Mrs. Darling in Clarissa Explains it All as too flighty, Roseanne as too abrasive, and the mom in Full House as too . . . dead.  Eventually, I whittled my list down to two: Amy Matthews from Boy Meets World and Jill Taylor from Home Improvement. They both seem pretty normal (if a little perpetually beleaguered by having too many boys to deal with), but I have to give the edge to Mrs. Matthews because Jill Taylor always seemed a little too tense for me--like she was ready to snap at any moment.  Amy Matthews FTW.

The Dad
I had a harder time casting my dad than I did with my mom because while sitcom moms of the '80s and '90s were usually calming, grounding forces, the dads were usually wacky and ridiculous.  Danny Tanner is a corny loser, Carl Winslow was too strict, Tim Allen was too god-awfully annoying, etc.  Using the dad from Boy Meets World also seemed like too safe and predictable a choice after I picked my mom from that show.

Ultimately, I settled on a random but, I think, quite suitable choice: Maxwell Scheffield from The Nanny.  Mr. Scheffield is rich, classy, and attractive, and could afford to buy me anything I needed while my down-to-earth Mom Amy Matthews made sure I never got too spoiled.  I don't know how good the chemistry would be between them as husband and wife, but that's their problem.

Brother
There were a lot of great choices in this category (Joey Lawrence, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, Eric Matthews, etc.), but you just can't beat Will Smith in Fresh Prince of Bel Air.  Will was everything you need in a big brother: funny, cool, and excellent at evading strict parent/guardian units.

Aside from being an entertaining choice, Will would also be a strategic one: it's important to have a sibling who is worse-behaved than you are, because that way your parents focus the most attention on him and you can do whatever you want.

Sister
Picking a sister was hard.  The Tanner girls were the quickest to come to mind--and also the quickest to be dismissed.  DJ is a mega-bitch, Michelle is way too precocious, and Stephanie has more middle-child baggage than anyone you'll ever meet in your life.  The girls from Step by Step were all too extreme, Blossom was obnoxious, and while Clarissa from Clarissa Explains It All might be an OK choice for the moment, she also seems like the type who would grow up and join a cult/co-op in Wyoming.

However, if I could cheat just a smidge and pick a gal whose from a sitcom but not a family sitcom, I'd go with Brad from Hey Dude.  She had Cool Big Sister written all over her--I could even forgive the fact that she liked horses.

Aunt
Aunt Becky is the perfect aunt, and the only Full House character to make the cut on my list.  She's pretty, understanding, and successful, and always ready to lend an ear for some girl talk.  She also had the shiniest hair in mid-90s television.

Uncle
I've racked my brain and still can't decide who to give this spot to, so I'm taking suggestions.  Leave your nominations below!

Lauren McMahon (e-mail, website) writes "Too Much Information" on Tuesdays at 2:00.  Find out more here.

 

Comments

[D.C.]

My family from TV shows of any era:

Mom: Kitty from That 70s Show. Woman loved her booze, and that has "cool mom" written all over it.

Dad: Sandy Cohen from The OC. He was the rock of that family, and has experience dealing with an alcoholic wife, so this time around he might be able to keep Kitty in the "fun loving drinker" range, and keep her out of the "downing a bottle of Stoli and going for a suicidal drive" range.

Little brother: Bud Bundy from Married with Children. This is a corollary to the worse behaved older brother -- the complete waste of space younger brother will keep you off the parental radar.

Big sister: Blossom. While she might have the tendency to outshine yours truly, I think it's important to have an ugly older sister, so you don't have to worry about her getting hit on by your friends.

Uncle: There can be only one... UNCLE JESSE. He played in a band, he didn't mind going outside the law (remember that time when he stole that kids bike because he thought it was Michelle's?), and as far as male influences go on Full House, he didn't take any shit from the gay one or the other gay one.

I really don't care if Uncle Jesse brings Aunt Becky with him, because I get the feeling that me and him would be able to bond about looking for chicks.

Family dog: Weiner Dog from A Minute with Stan Hooper. Remember that show? It was Norm MacDonald living in Wisconsin. Anyone? No? Just me? Screw you, Weiner Dogs are hilarious.

[The Notorious H.A.M.]

Uncle Jesse is the correct answer, but you've got the wrong one. You meant to say Uncle Jesse Duke, the one who ran moonshine and had a CB handle of "Sheperd." That's the kinda uncle that'll raise ya up right.

[Tori]

As a youth, I drafted a letter to the producers of "Hey Dude" asking them if they could add me as a character on their show. I suggested that I should be Ted's younger sister.

[Jerome]

"The mom from Full House is too . . . dead."

Hahahaha.

[sally jesse]

what about Claire Hanks-Huxtable? Also, maybe one of the jazz-musician uncles from that show as the uncle.

[vero]

Lori Laughlin is smokin' wildfire hot. Touché.

[Andrea]

Excellent post! Mine:

Mom: Lorelai Gilmore from "Gilmore Girls." On the show she has her daughter when she's 16, so she could totally be my mom. And we'd be BFF.

Dad: Kevin Burke from "Two of a Kind." Yes, I watched that show. It was funny. And he was great.

Brother: Mike Seaver from "Growing Pains." Duh. Coolest big brother ever.

Sisters: Cindy and Wendy from "Just the 10 of Us." They were awesome, we could sneak out and get into trouble. And sing at the local pizza place.

Neighbors: Six and Vinnie, from "Blossom" and "Doogie Hauser." We could talk a mile-a-minute and then perform the complete soundtrack from "Newsies."

[Rata_chen]

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