Note: This is a special Internet Potato version of Reasonable Doubt wherein Jerome revisits every theme in the last shount. Also, please do not follow his legal advice.
In taking over for D.C. this week, I thought I'd offer a service to Bathtubbers everywhere who are having difficulty with this or that legal scenario. It is time to give something back. Below are 100% real legal questions that Tubbers have sent D.C. over the past several months, but he has had the audacity to ignore.
Fortunately, each one of the questions touches on two or more themes eligible for Internet Potato--in fact, they cover them all exactly once.
Now please, step into my office, as I work my Jeromian magic to get you out of legal jams.
I am a registered sex offender and a resident of New Jersey. This upcoming Halloween, which in case you are unfamiliar is a holiday which prominently features the emotion of fear, I was hoping to give out candy to children. Is this legally permissible, for me, a citizen of New Jersey, to give children candy on a holiday pertaining to fear? R. Porkham, New Jersey
Thank you for your question, Rory. According to some article I found on Google (or "The Google" which according to the Onion was recently introduced to seniors), this is not legal behavior. It is illegal for you to be giving out any kind of candy to children--even sour gummy bears. However, there is no law against children retaliating on your candy stingy-ness with all sorts of juvenile pranks, so if they ring your doorbell, you better tell them why they ain't getting any candy from you. A stack of "I am a sex offender so legally I am prohibited from giving you candy" cards ought to do the trick, available at Hallmarks everywhere.
I recently purchased on DVD "Wheel of Fortune's Greatest Hits." However, when I tried to sell copies I made of the popular game show to orphans, I received a cease-and-desist letter from Pat Sajak, which Vanna White also signed and Merv Griffin initialed, may he rest in peace. Does he have a legit case against me? --Louie Anderson, some alley
This is a tricky spot for most legal experts. On the one hand, you are in clear vioaltion of copyright law. On the other hand, not a jury in the world would stand up for a douchebag like Pat Sajak -- (Maybe a jury in Poland). I recommend you have your attorneys file delaying motions endlessly and all sorts of procedural things to postpone any legal action, but continue to act in flagrant violation--this way legal analysts at some point can make the clever pun that the Pat Sajak investigation is "spinning its wheels."
You know what I crave the most during snacktime? Alcohol. Are there any snacks I can make involving alcohol? --Mr. Peanut, Peanut Lane
Um, well that's not really a legal question . . . but you can always make iced beer, which is basically beer put in the freezer, or beer cubes, which is beer put in any ice cube tray. Worst case scenario, you could also dip tortilla chips in tequila, or soak one of those jumbo soft pretzels in whiskey.
As an act of needlessly complicated vandalism, I recently cut a crop circle into my neighbor's corn crop. He reported it to the cops and is now angry as hell. I'm worried they'll find me out. Which is a better defense: that it was not vandalism, but art? Or that I wasn't involved, and it is just the result of unusual weather? --That guy from the movie Signs, some farm
It is not legally permissible to blame crop circles on weather--this is the legal precedent set forth by Roker v. Roker's Neighbor. However, there is a key loophole to this rule: you are not considered at fault if you can prove the crop circles resulted from or may have resulted from a tsunami, typhoon, avalanche, sandstorm, or monsoon. I think you have your bases covered.
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