The last time I included an chat with one of my friends as a post, I think it worked out really well. It turns out that me and Matt are scraping the bottom of the barrel of human decency semi-regularly, so what ensues is another chat, with emails and other nonsense interspersed. I swear to you, the only things I've changed from the original chat are for readability's sake (spelling, grammar, and the like), and for anonymity's sake. Enjoy.
At 2:53, I sent an email to a thread with all of my college buddies. It includes all of the people who get named in this chat.
Subject: Best National Anthem Ever?
The entire email was a link to this video:
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At 2:59, Matt responds to the email with:
At 3:00, this chat started:
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Matt: You do know Eric's brother is disabled right?
me: The first 30 seconds of that video were the funniest thing I ever heard.
NO!
Seriously?!
C'mon...
Fuck.
Really??
Matt: Yes, really.
He has down syndrome.
me: Oh Jesus Christ.
Matt: You really didn't know that?
me: Not at all.
Is there any way for me to play this off that I wasn't laughing at him, but was genuinely uplifted when the crowd joined in?
Probably not, right?
Matt: No, I can top this though -- I once made fun of someone for posting a message about his grandma on his away message. Turned out his grandma had died that day.
me: Oh God!
Matt: It was awful... I made 3 or 4 comments about it, and they were awful comments, then I found out later and felt so bad. It was literally sounding like I knew she was dead and was happy about it.
me: Oh man.
Fix this for me!
Do something.
Matt: I cause problems -- not so good at fixing them. Lets see, I can drop a n-bomb?
me: Do anything.
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At 3:07 PM, Matt sends this email to the group:
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Matt: Hows that?
me: Perfect.
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Two minutes later, I respond with:
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me: I knew that I couldn't get away with not thinking that it's funny at all...
Matt: You want to make an adoption joke in there too?
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Yes, readers, one of our college friends is actually adopted. I this knew when he said it.
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me: C'mon, cut me some slack.
Matt: I just strongly believe all of God's children should be treated equally.
Man, I can't even type that without laughing.
me: I can't get away with being 100% sweet.
Matt: Yeah that's true, I've stopped trying.
me: I can get away with 50%, with help.
Matt: I'm at like 35%
Oh, nice recovery on the email.
me: Yeah, I had to admit the bad part in order for anyone to believe the good.
Because it is good, really.
But I was linking for the bad.
Really.
Matt: Well, I know that.
me: Duh.
Matt: I can't remember the last time I did something for the right reasons...
Damn it!!!!
I just pulled the same thing you did, fuck!!!
Son of a bitch.
I was making fun of midgets to Nick and I suddenly realized his brother is a little person.
me: You're not serious.
His brother is NOT a little person.
Matt: Dead serious, I realized it after he told me I had no soul.
me: YOU'RE NOT SERIOUS!!!!!
Matt: Save a seat in hell for me.
God, I can't believe I did that.
me: You are not serious.
I don't believe you for a second.
Matt: Trust me.
Damn it.
I literally can't believe I did that right after I busted you.
me: Stop.
Stop.
I'm going to get in trouble at work.
Matt: I wish I was joking.
me: Can I say something now?
Matt: To him?
No, definitely not.
me: I feel like this entire conversation has to be in the email thread.
This is too good!
Matt: No dude don't, lol.
I feel so bad as is, and it's something that really pisses him off when people do that.
me: This is easily the funniest thing that's ever happened to me.
Matt: I'm so pissed I did that but I still can't stop laughing because we're ridiculous.
me: I think at this point, the joke is on us for being so dumb.
Which is why I think it would be OK to link it.
But I get it, I know.
Matt: Oh, it's definitely on us because we are complete idiots. I'm more ashamed of me, because I made fun of you then 2 minutes later shoved my foot in my mouth.
me: Yeah man.
Hey, email me what you said to Nick.
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Matt: I actually have 2 scars. That pisses me off. Although I'll probably lie and tell people I had to have reconstructive surgery after saving some crippled midgets from a burning building or something like that.
Nick: That's terrible.
Matt: I know, fires kill people every day in this world, it is terrible.
Nick: God, you have no soul.
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me: Oh, you only said "midgets."
You didn't really make fun of midgets.
Matt: He hates the word midgets.
me: Oh.
Matt: Like I've seen him almost fight people because of it.
me: Oh.
Shit.
Matt: He really prefers them to be called little people.
Like it's a big deal to him and I even knew his brother was a little person because I've been around him when he's gone off.
I changed the subject really quickly after realizing my mistake, however I don't think he bought it.
me: Probably not.
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Then, at 3:32, Chris comes into the email thread and responds:
Matt sends me the chat between him and Chris:
Matt: Dude, we were trying to right the situation because [D.C.] didn't realize Eric's brother is handicapped.
Chris: Oh no.
Chris: Oh no!
Well...I obviously didn't know either!
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Matt: Are we the worst friends ever or what?
me: We're made for each other, that's for sure.
Matt: Word. Between making fun of dead grandmothers and birth defects there isn't really anywhere to go from here but up.
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Moral of the story? There really isn't one. Cripples, retards, midgets are all hilarious things to call people. Just don't say them about anyone's brother.
D.C. writes "Reasonable Doubt" for The Bathtub on Thursday mornings. You can e-mail him at dc.bathtub@gmail.com.
You don't call retarded people retards. You call your friends retards when they're being retarded.
Also, you missed out on making fun of The Gays. Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant "lame." And now it means a man who makes love to other men.
Posted by: Andrea | October 25, 2007 at 10:22 AM
Andrea's comment reminds me of a very important conversation I had with her when this initially happened. Some excerpts:
me: today, someone linked to this video in our email chain
me: and one of the guys on the chain ... his brother has downs syndrome
me: so now i'm conspiring with him to try to save it
Andrea: oh, well that's easy
Andrea: but you spin it like it's funny in a "the kid is enjoying himself and everybody's laughing with him" rather than "we're all laughing at a mentally challenged kid"
Andrea: it's still funny, but once the kid starts laughing while he's singing, that makes it okay
Andrea: I'm practicing for when I'm Press Secretary. also, it makes me feel good to help out a stranger who likes to laugh at retarded kids
me: ok it may have been me who did this
Posted by: D.C. | October 25, 2007 at 10:55 AM
When you finally came clean about how you were actually the one who sent the video, after the 15 or so minutes we'd spent trying to figure out how to spin this for your "friend," I laughed so hard I peed a little.
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