The Bathtub: Reasonable Doubt: You Have to Admit, They Look Really Cool

There are certain guilty pleasures that we all enjoy. For some it's crappy music that makes white people dance like morons, and for others, it's something I like to call "train wreck television." It's so bad that you can't look away. I've seen an episode of The Hills. Clearly a train wreck. I would also count Maui Fever, Laguna Beach, Newport Harbor in this category. (MTV, please, grow some shame!) And for Christsake people, do not walk around bragging about loving these programs. They're called guilty pleasures, not "I'm a waste of space and proud of it" pleasures. I never counted any of those programs among my guilty pleasures, but there was one train wreck that I actually followed for a season (or should I say cycle)...

America's Next Top Model! (Cycle 7, if you must know. CariDee was my girl!) I'm coming off as a bit of a hypocrite, bragging about something that I just scolded you all for proudly embracing, but I'm an anonymous floating head on the internet, and you're real. I am actually ashamed to admit that I was genuinely entertained by this filth. It was pretty magical.

If I have one critique of the show, it would be this: Needs more Tyra. I don't think it's enough that she hosts, judges, and produces it. It's not enough that she gives advice that starts with, "Back when I was the world's most famous supermodel..." It's not enough that sometimes she photographs the shoots herself, or puts giant posters of magazine covers she's done all over their house, or corresponds with them through something called Tyra Mail. Her crazy little head should be in a bubble at the bottom of the screen at all times, smiling and looking like she's about 30 seconds away from killing us all.

Yes, that's better.

Sadly, my following of this show fell by the wayside, so I've missed out on some of the crazy model bullshit of this cycle, but I heard about this one shoot they did not too long ago. I'll let Jay explain it...

Err.. having problems embedding the video. Watch it here.

That's not a bad idea, at all. There's a lot to be said for good intentions, and I think Tyra has her heart in the right place. The execution of the idea, however, left a little to be desired. In that video, I saw about 60 seconds of hot girls looking hot and holding cigarettes -- and about 10 seconds of "oooh smoking is baaaad!" But that was just a video, so let's take a look at some of the photos this shoot came up with:

Um, all I see is a hot girl looking hot, holding a cigarette. And those clothes are so glamorous. And that bold look makes her seem so ... cool.

Yes folks, the real reason you shouldn't smoke cigarettes is because you might burn yourself into a charred mess of your former self. That's also the same reason you shouldn't use a toaster, or scented candles.

Is that supposed to be a chemo patient or an extra from 28 Days Later?

My fascination with this picture might not be obvious at first glance, so here's a zoom in:

Holy shit, a dead baby? Really? We've gone there? I mean, I'm not saying I'm offended, I'm just a little shocked that me and Tyra both agree that dead babies are a hilarious and effective method of smoking prevention. Now who's hungry?

I think it's pretty clear that this was a failed idea from the get go. You have to look pretty closely at the pictures to see anything "anti" about these anti-smoking pictures. All I see is beautiful, sophisticated, cool girls relaxing in front of a vanity with their favorite brand of smoke.

The problem with these photos isn't that smoking is cool -- it's that smokers are cool. Not just any girl off the street can pick up a pack of filters and starting hanging out with Tyra's gang. You have to dress really well, and be really thin, and look really hot first. You have to be a smoker to start really smoking, and once you do, hell, you can do what you want and never look back. Like the actor John Derek said: "Live fast, die young, and leave a beautiful corpse."

I gotta admit, I'd still give it to the burn victim. Beautiful corpse, indeed.

D.C. writes "Reasonable Doubt" for The Bathtub on Thursday mornings. You can e-mail him at dc.bathtub@gmail.com.

6 Comments

You're fucked up, man. But I like it.

Posted by: BestFriend83 | October 18, 2007 at 10:50 AM

Oh man, you should have seen last cycle when Tyra came out in fatigues and tried to to do a step routine - hysterical. Oh, and the Russian girl who was a mail-order bride (I shit you not) couldn't understand what a teacher's pet was - also a classic moment.

Posted by: The Notorious H.A.M. | October 18, 2007 at 10:56 AM