The Bathtub

KELLYq & a: Regarding the Health and Family Life Curriculum

As many of my loyal readers know, I am a middle school teacher. Thankfully, I'm not a Physical Education teacher. I am thankful of this for two reasons.
A) I am bad at sports, and unfit to teach children how to shoot a basketball or dominate at 4-square.
B) P.E. Teachers have to teach "Health and Family Life."
I would not be able to do this. I can hardly tell my children to open their textbooks to page 69; explaining the boner mechanism to them would be excruciatingly painful for all involved. Learning last week about the school that's offering middle schoolers birth control really disturbed me, and brought to light some concerns about the health curriculum. Perhaps the Health Curriculum needs some new and improved worksheets?

Too Much Information: I Told You a Post Was Coming!

Sorry I'm a bit late, and thanks to D.C. for receiving my urgent "WAITING FOR VERIZON TECH PLS POST 4 ME KTHXBAI" text message and alerting the masses.  My new house is finally connected to the Internet, and this post is officially the first thing I'm sending out over those fresh new lines and into the great, wide world--although that shouldn't fool you into thinking it's going to be extra-good, or any good at all.  After the jump, I invent myself a brand new family composed entirely of sitcom characters.

Too Much Information: Lauren's Post Is Coming

Lauren is at home waiting for a representative from her local cable provider.  When that person arrives and grants her the sweet, sweet nectar of internet access, she will have a post for you.  But because we're talking about cable here, I wouldn't hold your breath.

E-Bathing: In a Family Way

EBay sells a wide variety of things, much of it crap. This is an obvious fact. Each week, no matter what the theme, EBay provides me with a wide assortment of items from which to choose. Most of the time, I can predict what sorts of items will pop up on my search screen.  My search this week, however, has produced a surprising grab bag the likes of which I could not have foreseen when I typed the word "family" into the search window. Check after the jump to see what "family" wonders await purchase on EBay.

Nerdish Leanings: The Balticon

When I was a lad, most of my friends ended up going on some sort of family vacation or another on a somewhat regular basis. These ranged from the usual (visiting cousins in Ohio, the state where your cousins live) to the extravagant (a week in Hawaii every summer, to make your friends resent you). My family made an annual pilgrimage to Baltimore. To go to the Balticon. A science fiction convention. With young, impressionable children in tow.

I learned a host of valuable lessons from these little vacations.

Theme for the week of 10/22: Family

Ever wonder why KELLYq is so helpful, Justin is so nerdy, or Lauren is so chart-loving? Why Caitlar shines with happiness, or why Phylan is a sadistic voyeur of human misery and shame? Why Emily insists on reminding us again and again of our ignorance? Why D.C. feels compelled to study law, why the Mayor finds the detritus of a culture so fascinating, or why the Obese Omtubsman is so fat? Have you ever wondered, in a nutshell, why Tori is gay? Well, my guess is that every single one of our tubtributors owes a certain debt to their families for making them into the quirky foible-bags that they are today.

This week, we're having a "focus on the family" by theming it up family-style. Strap your family-hat on and prepare to get down and get funny, cause this week is going to be more hilarious than a gay experience with your third cousin at a family reunion (in retrospect).

Men in Cages: Damn Unpretty

Here's the thing about me: I'm really fucking great at everything.  I'm smart and funny and charismatic.  I'm gifted musically, mathematically, and linguistically.  I take miraculous photographs.  I drink like a champ.  I have mad wilderness survival skills.  The only thing holding me back from being an Olympic athlete is the fact that I'm so damn good at eating all time.  Basically, I'm perfection.  Everywhere I go, people want to be me.

That being said, I'm the first to admit that I do have flaws.  Most notably, I'm not all that physically attractive.

Emily's Trivia Quiz: See the Pretty Girl in that Mirror There?

We've already determined that although we're like, total bffers, Tori and I are nothing alike.  For all of her girly drinks, I drinks lots 'o beer.  For all of her manly outfits, I wear frilly dresses.  For all the girls she's made out with, I've made out with boys instead.  And, even though I've never seen her room, I guarantee it's not as pink as mine is.  Regardless, we're pretty good at sharing Fridays (I'm pretty sure we're the only day that hasn't changed) and we have lots and lots fun when we hang out.  Sometimes even wearing pink.  

But there is one thing that I can pretty much guarantee that I know way more about than Tori.  So have fun learning about the crazy world of...

Shiny Happy Caitlar: Beautiful People?

I like celebrities. I like watching them on TV, I like going to see their movies, I like reading about their random exploits on sites like perezhilton.com. And I love love love watching red carpet events and seeing what everyone is wearing. This is because celebrities, for the most part, are so pretty and pretty things are, by definition, nice to look at.

But if you search the internet not all that hard, you soon discover that the only reason why celebrities exude beauty the way they do is not because they were born with it, but because it's definitely Maybelliene. They have good people---make up artists, hair stylists, plastic surgeons, fashion stylists---whose only job it is to make sure these people stay beautiful.

YouTub: Sorry Tubizens

No post today.