The Bathtub: One Nation Under KELLYq & a: With Liberty and Cheez Balls for All

Note: This is a special Internet Potato version of One Nation Under Jerome wherein KELLYq revisits the theme of "snacktime".

Jerome's people are a proud people. They love zoos, root beer, and most of all, they love America. I can only assume that because they love these things, they also love all things American. This includes the snack. Recently, I threw a "Welcome Back to America" party for a friend of mine who has been living abroad in France for a number of years. When I went to the grocery store, I was on a quest to find the most quintessential American snack; something that would welcome her back to the land of the free in a manner that baguettes and foie gras just couldn't. What I came up with was...

CHEESE BALLS.

Or, more specifically, a 5-gallon drum of cheese balls that I still have not managed to finish. And this party was like, more than a week ago. (What? It's resealable! They are so not stale yet.) Here are the five most important reasons that cheese balls are the best, and therefore most American, snack at the grocery store.
Fact: Cheese Balls are made with real cheese. This supports the economy of states like Wisconsin, which are in America. Plus, they then qualify as being slightly more healthy than snacks with do not contain any real food, like Doritos.
Fact: Cheese Balls are spherical. This makes them part of a well-rounded breakfast. Ha!
Fact: Cheese Balls require paper towels to eat. Or pants. Or, as I found out this weekend, the seats of someone's car (so long as it's not yours.)
Fact: Cheese Balls are at least as addictive as crystal meth. And - bonus -they don't make your teeth look as nasty.
Fact: Cheese Balls, and their affiliates, indicate more than any other snack that you are a total waste of space.