The Obese Omtubsman: Beauty and the Week

They say that beauty is only skin deep.  Of course, that would mean that my beauty is ample in bounty, for you see, I am really enormously fat, which means  my skin is quite literally deeper than the skin of most men.  In the more rotund parts of my body, my skin has been measured to be around 7.5 inches deep.

But my tremendously deep skin aside, here's what I thought about last week's posts:

Some things I learned this week about beauty:

A)  Clanky is growing more anti-social even by killer robot standards.  Apparently being forced to compute the human concept of beauty sends Clanky into a robo-rage.  I have no desire to escalate this antagonism by pointing out that "robo-contempt", "robo-pleasure" and "robo-loins" do not appear to be too different from regular old human contempt, pleasure and loins, respectively. 

B)  I was conflicted about the Mayor's column.  On the one hand, given the fact that I am really a very large, obese man, I was intrigued by this Fat-Melting contraption she is selling.  On the other hand, I disagree with her premise that if you have sex with men, feel insecure about things, and have a little money that you have bought beauty products.  At least two of those apply to me, and the last beauty product I bought was a dustpan, for which I use to scrape the crumbs off of my enormous, cascading gut.

C)  Emily's column was easily the most informative, but missing the question about Baby Gays caused me to feel bad and to have low self-esteem. 

D)  Fortunately, it was followed by Tori's column.  Which was pretty much a pity-fest wrapped in a cry-party with a side of sob-sauce.  That made me feel better.  Also, please note that Tori's columns tend to generate the most comments, but people felt way too awkward about commenting this time around.

E)  DC's column gets points for the absolutely true statement that the only thing lacking from America's Next Top Model is more Tyra.  I would have awarded points if he brought up that this can be achieved by having Tyra deliver more Tyra Mail during the course of the show, so that the producers could have more of the models shouting out "Tyra Mail!!!" to the rest of their housemates at frequent intervals.  However, this column had nothing to do with the law, so apparently DC thinks he can just whatever the hell he wants without consequences.  I thought that's why we fired Jerome.

F)  Phylan's video about the sad pope losing his bible was pretty good, but not great.  Not sure I understand the tie-in.   

G)  Caitlar's column on beautiful people without their stylists' help was really an eye-opener.  Which is a considerable compliment, since I normally have quite a bit of difficulty opening my flabby, toad-like eyelids without provocation. 

H)  KELLYq gets "Most Inaccurate Worksheet" of the week, because my physique actually seemed remarkably attractive according to the Are You Ugly worksheet.

I)  Lauren showed us pictures of her puppy.  The human in me said "Awwwww."  The Omtubsman in me said "This is clearly a convenient cop-out, made ever more suspicious by the fact that you chose a vaguely relevant theme."  However, naming the puppy after a flat-breaded item certainly helped your case in my eyes.

So who wins the Column of the Week?  Well, that was a legacy of the previous Omtubsman--and frankly it was a little predictable.  No, I will be giving out an award for the column each week that I think is the best, which we'll call "The Weekly Column Award." 

Tori was pretty much head and/or shoulders ahead of everyone else, particularly with her comparison of the pros and cons of being ugly.  However, the short length of the column left me disappointed, as does the short length of my arms when I am trying to pass mashed potatos across the table.  So I was forced to go down to DC's column, because it reminded me to TiVo ANTM this week.  Congrats DC, you are the proud owner of the first Weekly Column Award.

And how come no one mentioned Beauty and the Geek this week?

Comments

[Tori]

KELLYq, you're good at giving advice; help me out here.

I literally laugh out loud, for a few good seconds, every time the Obese Omtubsman makes mention of how extremely obese he is. Do you think there's something wrong with me?

[sally jesse]

no way! I giggled hysterically several times while reading this post. It's not just that he's mentioning his obesity, it's that he describes it in a hilariously graphic way, while putting it in appropriate context. also- the picture shows him wearing an old-timey hat and cape, which is extra hilarious and tells us a little bit more about this lardo's excentricities and paints an even funnier picture of him in light of the descriptions. tub-on, tubby!

[Former O.O.]

My favorite part of this post is the imagery of some poor s.o.b. walking around, measuring the depth of the obese omtubsman's "skin" with a ruler.

[Cindy0002hui]

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