Men in Cages: Hit 'em Up

Note:  This is a special Internet Potato version of Men in Cages.  D.C. is taking over.  The theme being revisited is "Hits."  Respect, bitches.

Look, I know women don't like being called bitches, but I feel like I'm allowed to, because I'm a feminist now.  Totally.  And I'm a lesbian, because I like kissing girls.  I don't think this is just experimenting either.  I think I might actually prefer girls sexually, like, forever. 

I even left the title of the column as "Men in Cages" when it would have been SO EASY to change it to "Women in Cages" and I could have just posted a misogynistic rant about whogivesafuck and scored some cheap laughs.

Actually, considering that I'm somewhat pressed for time, I may just do that.  Maybe.

Cheap?  Check.  Laughs?  Maybe.

As you may or may not know, Dr. Dre (actually Ben Folds, because Lauren fears and rejects everything about black people) inspired our softball team name: Pitches Ain't Shit.  Sort of clever, sort of inappropriate, but since that description also applies to just about everyone on the team, we embraced it.  It was a fun league, and our captains picked out some faaaaaaaaabulous pink jerseys, which I will totally wear all the time now.

I have just one question:  Why were our lesbians so lame at softball?

Tori gets a free pass on this, because she was in a protective walking boot for half the season, but the two gay gals she recruited to play for us showed up once, each...

[If Tori were actually writing this column, this would be the part where she would wax poetic about all of the biological and sociological reasons why lesbians are thought to be great at softball, and why our lesbians didn't work out to be the MVPs that we expected them to be.  It would be approximately 4,500 words.  Let's just skip it.]

...and plus, it's not like LiLo is gonna be hooking up with anyone just because she can hit a home run.  Just because you hit triples doesn't mean you're gonna get to third base, if you know what I mean.  Maybe next year I'll head on down to Dupont Circle and hold open try outs to find some of the really good players, but until then, just be content with this:

Men in Cages" runs Friday afternoons.  It's usually much longer, and usually written by Tori.  You can read more about Tori here.  This was slapped together last minute by D.C.

Comments

[Andrea]

I dig the pink unis.

[White guy]

Props for calling out the Tub on lack of racial diversity!

[EmGusk]

i still think you look like alfalfa in that picture.

[Tori]

"actually Ben Folds, because Lauren fears and rejects everything about black people"

Every time I read this, I laugh.

[Tori]

I have been asked to stand up for my fellow gays. I can't really argue with DC's contention that they both attended one game each. (Actually, I can argue with that. One of them attended zero games. But she did come to the bar twice.) I can state that my fellow gays are AWESOME, however, even if bad at attending softball. Perhaps they just didn't want to lower themselves to playing our sacred sport with a bunch of heteros? Or maybe they deemed our pink jerseys to be excessively feminine for their taste? Or maybe they like to avoid men at all costs and our co-ed league disgusted them? Or maybe they were both outrageously attracted to KELLYq and found it too painful to be on a team with her and Justin Douglas?

(In actuality, they both just got busy with camp stuff. Horseback-riding, kayaking, things of this nature . . . Lesbians aren't just softball superstars anymore. The modern lesbian has a diversity of outdoor interests and can't be tied down doing the same shit every Tuesday. That's all.)

As for my poor performance, I have no excuses. I mean, I was a huge stud in our first game, but after that, I fell apart. I let down lesbiankind. Maybe I'm actually straight. Who knows.