Here's the thing about me: I'm really fucking great at everything. I'm smart and funny and charismatic. I'm gifted musically, mathematically, and linguistically. I take miraculous photographs. I drink like a champ. I have mad wilderness survival skills. The only thing holding me back from being an Olympic athlete is the fact that I'm so damn good at eating all time. Basically, I'm perfection. Everywhere I go, people want to be me.
That being said, I'm the first to admit that I do have flaws. Most notably, I'm not all that physically attractive.
Yeah, it sucks that I can't be a superstar in every realm. But, c'mon, if I were this fabulous and beautiful - that would be too much for the world to handle. It's only fair that a talented person such as myself take some hits in the sexy department.
Of course, I haven't always had such an understanding outlook when it comes to my appearance. During my tumultuous adolescent years, I would often curse the universe for having rendered me so undesireable a physical specimen.
When high school dances came round, I would yell and cry about the fact that no one wanted to escort me to the big event. (This would inevitably render my mother horrified, alarmed, and deeply regretful that she'd opted to birth a female.) Sure, I'd eventually rope some dude into attending with me, but, as best exemplified by Mike Leonard when he literally ran away from me at Homecoming 2000, these guys were not particularly thrilled to be a-dancin' with Tori.
That said, I never had to worry about being taken advantage of by any of those boys, so I guess my life as an awkward teenager wasn't all bad. I mean, for every con associated with not being the prettiest gal in the room, there are certainly some pros . . .
CON: Ugly women are much less likely to attend their senior prom with someone who is not their cousin.
PRO: Ugly women are much less likley to get date-raped on prom night.
CON: Ugly women generally have to buy their own nourishment. Rich men do not often offer to buy them dinner and/or drinks.
PRO: Ugly women, so long as they're willing to pay for them, can enjoy all the delicious, fatty foods they want without batting an eye over "loss of figure." I mean, if you're already ugly, who gives a shit if you're also a l'il bit hefty?
CON: Ugly women can't flirt their way out of speeding tickets.
PRO: Ugly women have no reason to flirt with nasty-ass highway patrolmen.
CON: Ugly women have greater difficulty acquiring sexual partners. More money spent on vibrators.
PRO: Ugly women can assert with confidence that they're not being used for their bodies. Less money spent on therapy.
I mean, I'm not overjoyed about the fact that I ain't a supermodel, but not being a supermodel does have its plus side (to accompany its plus size).
And, as my friend Alex once noted, maybe I shouldn't mourn the fact I'm fascinating but not pretty; maybe I should celebrate the fact that being un-pretty helped mold me into the fascinating person I am. Like, if everybody had loved me my whole life just for being a hot momma, I never would have cultivated an interesting persona; I would have just basked in my hotness. But because people weren't drawn to my looks, I had to draw them in by other means. Thus, the evolution of the world's most spectacular personality and skill set - mine.
Now, I won't make the claim that all unattractive people are awesome. It makes sense that a subset of the non-hot populus will develop charming personalities, but it also makes sense that another subset of that populus will just become social misfits who avoid human contact at all cost, for fear of rejection. So don't go approaching every homely-lookin' gal you see; they won't all be as outrageously wonderful as me. Life sucks that way sometimes.
And thus concludes this half-assed post . . . Who'd have thought I could cram so much self-aggrandizing and self-loathing into a mere 600 words?
Men in Cages" runs Friday afternoons. You can read more about Tori here.
Come on, dont lie, your beeautifull, frikken perfect! perfect I say! Get off the cross we need the wood!
Posted by: stregherian | October 20, 2007 at 12:11 AM