The Bathtub: Men in Cages: Cocktails Aren't For People With Cocks

I won’t claim to be the girliest girl on the block. I may be a feminist, but I’m far from being feminine. I don’t own a lot of pink. I have no idea how to apply mascara. And it’s a rare day that I "accessorize” or “primp” or even “carry a purse.”

There is, however, one exceptionally girly aspect of my persona. And, in this aspect, I am girlier than just about every other female I have ever met. I am, of course, referring to my drink preferences.

I am an absolute girly drink addict. Appletinis should be renamed Appletoris, so often can you find one in my hand. I regularly spend two to three times as much as my friends when out at bars so that I can get drunk off of overpriced cocktails instead of cheap beer.

But why? What the hell is wrong with me that I have such an expensive, fattening, teeny-bopper-esque addiction? It’s certainly not part of some overall sorority girl persona. I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing the colors I imbibe.

Honestly, I have no idea why I drink the things I do. The only explanation I can give is that drinking girly drinks “feels right.”

When I go to get dressed each morning, never do I think to myself, “I would like to wear a dress today.” That doesn’t strike me as a desireable course of action. Similarly, when I go to order a drink each night (well not necessarily each night …), never do I think to myself, “I would like to drink a beer tonight.”

Wearing polo shirts comes naturally to me, as does drinking alcoholic beverages chock full o’ maraschino cherries. In college, I used to wonder about the girls who took the time to wear fancy little outfits to class and to parties. I recognized that sporting such an ensemble would require an enormous amount of effort on my part. And I wondered whether dressing like that came naturally to those girls or whether it was a painful effort for them as well.

I still don’t really know how much of an effort it is for other girls to dress in a saucy manner. I do know, however, that I am unwilling to put forth the effort required for me to dress in that manner. Similarly, I am unwilling to put forth the effort to drink beer. Sure, I am capable of throwing back a brewsky, but such an act requires massive amounts of work on my part. And it’s not as much fun. Downing a mango mojito is easy; downing a Bud Light is a bitch. The former tastes like sunshine and goes down smooth. The latter tastes like ass and has to be choked back.

I’m not saying that this is the case for everybody. This is just how things work for me and my taste buds/digestive tract. And, presumably, it’s the case for many other women. I mean, why else would they be called girly drinks? They must appeal to women more than they appeal to men. Imbibing a girly drink has to be a more natural act for a woman than for a man. A brief exploration of why this might be the case seems to be in order:

The Drinking Vessel: Is it any wonder men are drawn to beers? Man drinks come in big, sturdy tankards - perfect for rough and tumble play. (Hell, sometimes they even come in alumninum cans, and there ain't nothin' men love more than cold, hard metal.) Cocktail glasses, by contrast, are dainty and elegant. These vessels are petite, flirty, and easily breakable - just like women. Martini glasses even kind of look like women . . . well, not exactly, but you get the gist of what I'm saying. Assigning genders to beer mugs and martini glasses would not be a complex task. Each has its own gendered aura.

The Color: Beers range in color from gold to brown. (At a stretch, you could describe some beers as red . . . but that's only if you include shit like Raspberry Lambic, and honestly, a man drink the Lambic is not.) Cocktails, on the other hand, can be ANY FUCKING COLOR YOU WANT! They are bright, exciting; occasionally, almost blinding! Cocktails have a real feminine aesthetic to them (i.e., they come in prettier colors than brown) and thus they appeal to women. Women are evolutionarily programmed to be attracted to those feisty colors (in much the same way as lady peahens are attracted to the male peacocks with the brightest tail feathers). Beer is the same dull color of the lady peahen, hence men are attracted to it.

Accessorization: It is only once in a blue moon that a beer receives any adornment before being served, and even then, it's just a slice of citrus. (Har dee har har, I am proud of my blue moon double entendre!) But this spartan aesthetic appeals to men. Cocktails, however - holy shit. You could hold a veritable estate sale with all the crap bartenders throw into martini glasses nowadays. The modern cocktail comes replete with umbrellas, cherries, limes, apples, coffee beans, Swedish fish, and cinnamon sticks. Oh, and did I mention pieces of fruit wearing sunglasses? All inside a Pop-Rock coated rim. But hey, a girls gotta have her accessories.

Taste: So yeah, let's be frank: taste is what it actually comes down to. For all the babbling I just did about how visually appealing cocktails are to me as a woman, I don't buy them because they look pretty in my hand; I buy them because they're delicious. But why? Do women have different taste buds than men do? Do men and women crave different items because of different body chemistry? I never learned these things in college. And I certainly didn't research these things today. (I was far too busy doing google image searches for cocktails.) But I'm going to go out on a limb and say that yeah, women's general preference for sweet, fruity drinks and men's general preference for bitter drinks is biological. Surely our tastes are to some extent influenced by what we grow up eating, but little boys and little girls eat a lot of the same things growing up. And they evolve to have very different tastes when it comes to things like alcohol (and beef jerky). Now, clearly, everything operates on a continuum. Some women will have more womanly palates than others (just as some women will have bigger boobs than others). But, I think the average woman will crave cocktails more than the average man.

So, is there a point to this story? Yes, I think so . . . Just bear with me for a moment. You see, I firmly believe that just about every aspect of a person is highly socialized. Our personalities, gender presentations, sexual orientations . . . that's all the product of socialization. And, through the twists and turns of socialization, I grew up to be a fairly un-ladylike lady.

That being said, I really don't think taste can be all that socialized. For that reason, I think one's food and drink preferences serve as a good indication of one's biologically-determined placement on the femininity continuum. I may never wear skirts, but that's the fault of society. My palate (the aspect of my person that is the least impacted by the forces of socialization) is hella girly. Nature wanted me to be more womanly than every other woman.

So yeah, all you fancy ladies who scoff at my poor fashion sense and less-than-elegant gait, suck it. I'm more of a goddess than all y'all. My appletini says so.

Men in Cages" runs Friday afternoons. You can read more about Tori here.

9 Comments

tori, as i sit here in a dress in my very very pink bed (sheets, comforter, and all pillows are some shade of pink) i realize that we are opposites. because i LOVE beer. the manlier, the better.

Posted by: EmGusk | October 05, 2007 at 02:31 PM

Ha, that's a great graphic. That said, I am obvi Team Beer all the way.

Posted by: Lauren | October 05, 2007 at 02:45 PM

By drinking excessive amounts of diet soda (as the daily skirt wearing gal that I am would do), I have socialized my taste buds to like sweet alcoholic drinks... Theory disproved - how do you like them apples?

Posted by: Alena | October 05, 2007 at 03:10 PM

Dear Emily and Lauren,
You guys are hella manly.
Love,
Your extremely feminine friend Tori
P.S.: In that graphic (which features four randomly selected photos of me drinking), I am wearing four distinct tops - ALL from American Eagle. Maybe it's time to explore some new fashion horizons . . .

Posted by: Tori | October 05, 2007 at 03:14 PM