E-Bathing: In a Family Way

EBay sells a wide variety of things, much of it crap. This is an obvious fact. Each week, no matter what the theme, EBay provides me with a wide assortment of items from which to choose. Most of the time, I can predict what sorts of items will pop up on my search screen.  My search this week, however, has produced a surprising grab bag the likes of which I could not have foreseen when I typed the word "family" into the search window. Check after the jump to see what "family" wonders await purchase on EBay.

Home Furnishings:
It's not surprising that I would find furnishing when the theme is family. After all, in most houses there's an entire room reserved just for family activities. However, I was surprised that the first piece of home furnishing that I found was this Kiss Lamp. Available for sale from seller smeartheblood, this decorative collectible is like the one that can be seen on Gene Simmons' desk in the TV show "Family Jewels." This lamp would be perfect for any parent and Kiss devotee who wants to encourage his or her children to like delusionally confident and incredibly sleazy rockers who would have passed their prime if they had ever reached a prime in the first place. This would also be perfect for the sort of freakshow who thinks it's acceptable for person to make their EBay seller name 'Smeartheblood.'

Toys:
I expected small toddler's toys, maybe some board games -- you know, very classic family toys. Instead I found this British computer game. This educational game has a StarWars theme, and will stimulate your child's intellect with such challenging games as "paint the druids." It looks like a sh*tty Saturday morning cartoon version of the Phantom Menace with a few text-twist style word games haphazardly thrown together. This game screams "Wake up George Lucas! Pay better attention to your licensing agreements!!" But if you like JarJar Binks, this game could be yours for just a few pounds.

Collectibles:
I figured I would be inundated by Precious Moments crap. Not so. The first collectible I found was this Boyd's Nascar figurine. I'm not certain what's so "family" about this figurine, but I do know that the logos on Bear Jeff Gordon's have been carefully copied from the real Jeff Gordon's driving uniform. If you like anthropomorphic bears AND Nascar (and you know who you are) I suggest that you shell out $10 for this figurine and make it a new family heirloom. For years to come, your progeny will know of your bad taste in both collectibles and sports.

Mayor's Must Have of the Week
Apparently, there's a large online market for Wiccan amulets and spells. I had absolutely no idea that I  would stumble across this auction this week -- or ever, for that matter. My must-have for this week is a Haunted Gypsy Witch Amulet. It looks like a simple cross, but don't be fooled: this necklace has been blessed by a high priestess. You can use it to protect your family or home. Alternately, you could buy a home security system, but this amulet is probably less fallible and definitely a lot more mystical.  I say you might as well buy it, because the opening bid is only $0.99, and I'm sure that this necklace -- haunted or not -- probably is worth at least two, maybe three dollars. Also, you can bid privately so that no one else will ever know that you are crazy and believe in gypsy witch magic. There's a long back story to this amulet that includes a curse, pregnancy, suicide and a woman named Zsofika. I have a few questions about the veracity of the story, but it seemed foolish for me to nitpick the story when the much more obvious question is whether or not the magic behind the amulet is real.  I encourage you to read the story,  but beware because the auction plays really annoying new age-y music on its page.

The Mayor writes for the Bathtub every Tuesday morning. For more information click here.

Comments

[Lauren]

"Smeartheblood" is an amazing username.

[Gulliver P. Thistlewhistle]

I like that it's important that she's a "true Hungarian gypsy-witch". I wouldn't by that piece of s*** from a Romanian, but a Hungarian- now that's some quality gypsy-witch right there. I'm not surprised at base star wars merchandise, but frankly I'm surprised that a children's educational game isn't ewok-centric- I'm just sayin.