E-Bathing:

Alcohol is a lot like EBay: it's a lot of fun until you puke. I'm joking, with the exception of the Devil on the Toilet velvet painting, EBay doesn't even close to making me puke. EBay has, however, lured me (and others) into some really poor purchases.  Below are some alcohol-related auctions I've found on EBay. To help you avoid an EBay hangover, I've indicated the intended purchaser for each of the items. 

Flask
Best for: Cheapskates; bingedrinkers (drunken homeless and/or college students)
This is just a regular old metal flask. This thing will allow you to sneak liquor anywhere you want where it may be prohibited: a bar, a party, a bus, an elementary school, a playground, church. The possibilities are endless!

Drunk-driving related stamps from around the world
Best for: Philatelist (nerds)
This is possibly the most boring thing I have ever found on EBay. Even the picture is boring (hence why I'm not even bothering to show it). Thanks stamp collectors for smothering all the fun and joy out of alcohol.

Fake antique sign that encourages drinking
Best for: Sophomores in college; the interior designer of RJ Bentley's Filling Station
The inner thoughts of the purchaser of this sign: "Wow this sign is so awesome: It wants me to get drunk!! It, like, totally says the opposite of what you would expect an old-timey sign like that to say. Ha!  It even says that sobriety is prohibited. That's so awesome. My friends are going to think this is so funny when they see it. I'm totally buying this -- it's going to look cool over my beer pong table." Yep, this sign is pretty hi-larious, but it gets one whole magnitude less funny every time you see it until 7 months later you sheepishly take it off your wall and put it out on the curb where another college student can swoop in and take it. Any person who decorates their domicile using alcohol as a theme is a big poseur, because if they really liked alcohol they would rather spend $10 on alcohol than on this sign.

AlcoHawk Breathalyzer (The Mayor's Must-Have!)
Best For: The legitimately alcoholic; repeat drunken drivers; DC
For less than $100 you can use this little contraption to ensure that you haven't gotten so drunk as to warrant a DUI charge. If you check out this auction and think to yourself, "Wow, that could be a really useful product." your next thought should be, "Maybe I should seek help for my alcohol dependency problem." Seriously.

The Mayor now writes for the Bathtub every Tuesday morning. For more information click here.

Comments

[Lauren]

I think for our next Bathtub party we should buy that Breathalyzer and have a contest

[D.C.]

And just what are you implying about me, Mayor?

[Andrea]

This post actually made me go hunting for how much I could get a breathalyzer for. I'd love to just sit around with a six/12 pack and test my bac.

[The Mayor]

I'm implying, DC, that you should spend $100 to buy yourself a breathalyzer to aid you in your favorite hobby.

[Tori]

Dear Mayor,
Please give your column a title.
Love,
Tori

[The Mayor]

Dear Tori:
My column's title is: Teaching steals your soul and makes you forget to do simple things. Also alcohol is bad for you.
Love,
the mayor