The Omniscient Omtubsman: Delving Deep as Art Goes Down the Drain

All I have to say about art week in the Tub is "Wow." Not "wow" as in what an amazing week. Not even "wow" as in it really surprised me. "Wow" as in, we, collectively, have the least amount of real, actual knowledge about art as any twelve people ever in the history of the world. Lauren never seemed so prescient as when she predicted what would follow her post would be a series of "non-expert crap."  To recap, Tubtributors think the following things constitute art: Battlebots, Marmaduke, Fart Jokes, Congressional Candidates from Indiana, iPhone sludge, some trivia quiz designed to make kids feel smart because it contains the word "Brain", LiteBrite, and genitalia with faces.  Again, Wow.  But, as the saying goes, "art is in the eye of the beholder," so apparently there is something terribly wrong with the eyes of our tubtributors. After the jump, I'll delve into the various psychological responses of the tubtributors when confronted with art.

Justin Douglas:  By coldly listing a variety of non-traditional forms of nerdish expression without humor, Justin Douglas evidenced a cold, inhuman relationship to what many consider a joyous, spiritual endeavor. Justin Douglas clearly does not love creative expression, but cannot be completely disconnected from it, for doing so would sap his ability to function in society. Thus, his relationship with art is much like the phenomenon a toaster experiences when plugged into a wall socket, or that of a colorblind who admires the brownish hues of a summer day.

D.C.: Art befuddles D.C., leaving his mind a blank. When he is forced to think about art, he first draws a blank, then tries to change the subject by lashing out at the authority figure (i.e. Lauren) who has roped him into writing for a blog that leaves him once again without a clear direction to his post. Needless to say, I wholeheartedly approve of this psychological coping mechanism.

KELLYq: When confronted with the vast realm of artistic expression, KELLYq obviously feels overwhelmed and regresses to a more childlike state and the comfort and security that brings. In this particular case, KELLYq dreamed of days of yore, when she and a young accomplice giggled with girlish glee at the prospect of transforming a simple stationary pad into recurring tribute to human expulsion of excess gases. Note, that this tale also suggests that the relationship between KELLYq and "Sarah" was more than platonic as the two shared private mirth in the joys of the body.

Jerome: Obviously, Jerome, like D.C., is befuddled by the notion of art. But unlike D.C., Jerome has reached a level of blissful coexistence with the world of art. When Jerome looks at art, he sees politics. When Art looks at Jerome, he sees a bunch of squiggly lines. But both of them are relatively neat and don't have a bunch of obnoxious friends over all the time, eating the other one's chocolate Lucky Charms and whatnot. Consequently, they can occupy the same space relatively peacefully. You all could learn a lot from Jerome.

Phylan: Of all of us, Phylan seems the most likely to be able to actually identify and appreciate art.  In his weekly pilgrimmage through the pages of YouTube, he was able to bring back things novel (the sand art), captivating (the latte art) and erotic (blending the iPhone). What is the eroticism in blending an iPhone, you may ask? Obviously, the destruction of man's latest technological plaything is a rejection of man's masturbatory tendencies, instead urging man to sexually engage the world: live, love and procreate and thereby continue this crazy little experiment called the human race. Bravo, Phylan. I hereby award you "Column of the Week" mid-column. What a crazy twist! Congratulations.

Emily: Apparently, when someone says "Art" to Emily, she immediately conjures an image of sitting in the backseat of a car, reading fairly uninspired trivia questions from a category called "Grab Bag" en-route to God knows where. Clearly, Emily has a classic case of trivitis, which is a severe form of cognitive dissonance causing the afflicted person to here a trivia question no matter what subject is being discussed. Such a condition is unusually prevalent in only children, who scientists say are less likely to have a sibling to mock them into a form of normality.

Tori: Clearly, Tori is deathly afraid of art, which forces her to do things which are normally abhorrent to her, such as work.

Rory: Consistent with the Rory we have come to know and tolerate through lo these many months, Rory the Artist pulls no punches. He is out to prove that art is not beauty, art is an expression of one's humanity. To the viewer, art that really matters is art that evokes strong feelings. Just because the feelings Rory's art conjures is disgust and disdain does not in any way diminish its significance. In this way, Rory brings us closer to our true selves.

Column of Two Weeks Ago

Two weeks ago the topic was weather. One week ago, I said it blew.  Then I kind of backed-off that statement. Then I said I'd be back to announce the Column of the Week from two weeks ago today. This week, I return to my original statement and announce that for the first week ever there was no Column of the Week two weeks ago because while some of the columns were good, nothing tickled my fancy in the way my fancy enjoys being tickled. Just another surprise in this week's f'ed up version of the Omniscient Omtubsman.

The Omniscient Omtubsman runs Wednesday afternoons on the Bathtub.

Comments

[Jerome]

So that's where my chocolate lucky charms went . . . I knew it was art!

[KELLYq]

Whatever me and Sarah had just friends spooning

don't deny our love, kelly