Last week tubtributors debated the merits of New Jersey and the results were somewhat surprising. Having been
familiar with New Jersey and New Jerseyites for quite a few years now,
I thought that matter had been pretty much laid to rest long ago in
favor of the "New Jersey is a pit" crowd, but apparently there are
still those out there who believe otherwise, i.e. that people from New
Jersey aren't genetically and culturally inferior to your average
chimpanzee. Who knew? While I freely acknowledge that I have friends
who live in New Jersey, family who live in New Jersey and even I have a
job that involves frequent trips to New Jersey (believe it or not, I
will actually be in New Jersey when this post goes live) I have never
felt any compunction about proposing to building a giant rim around
the entire state so that denizens of New York and Pennsylvania might
use New Jersey as a giant trash receptacle. Nevertheless, for purposes
of this post I will put my biases aside and evaluate the various arguments put
forth for and against the abolition of New Jersey and relocation of
New Jerseyites the four corners of the Earth (so that they may never
reconvene another society based on guinea tees and back hair).
Pro-New Jersey Argument 1: New Jersey has the World's Tallest Elephant.
God knows I love elephants, so having
the world's tallest is a pretty notable accomplishment. Yet, the more I
think about it, the thing that impresses my most about an elephant is
it's weight not it's height. If I want a tall animal, I'll look at a
giraffe. I'd have been more impressed by the world's fattest elephant.
Nevertheless, it's a strong endorsement
. +4
Anti-New Jersey Argument 1: New Jersey is a filthy state of environmental disasters and stinky bogs.
While it is true that New Jersey is a
horrible wasteland where God knows what type of unholy mutants are
undoubtedly breeding there at this very moment, at least it has the foresight
to choose a nickname that masks this fact from people in foreign
countries that might not otherwise know better.
-5
Pro-New Jersey Argument 2: One time a New Jerseyite made Justin Douglas feel ashamed about Delaware.
To
New Jersey's credit, the people are completely incapable of common
decency and therefore are unwaveringly frank, which serves humanity
when people ask inane questions about loving Delaware.
+2
Anti-New
Jersey Argument 2: New Jersey is the worst state in the union, even
beating out such other pathetic locales such as North Dakota, Indiana
and Oklahoma.
I
would tend to quibble with science behind Jerome's analysis, but one
time he wrote a whole series of science articles on LMNOP about science, so I think I
have to defer to his superior credentials on this one. -4
Pro-New Jersey Argument 3: New Jersey has some sort of helpful website.
While true, it is also true that New
Jersey has no electricity or accredited schools, so there is no chance
that anyone from New Jersey has ever read the website. In fact, the
website's main utility is to allow non-New Jersityites to traverse the
state as quickly as possible and without stopping so that they need not
encounter the horrors of everyday New Jersey life. The fact that a nice
website exists to serve such a purpose only confirms that even New Jerseyites
understand what a truly atrocious place New Jersey is. +0
Anti-New Jersey Argument 3: New Jersey is home to an institution
that would not admit a member of the Bathtub community.
Actually, that member was Tori, so this is more a Pro-New Jersey Argument. +3
Pro-New Jersey Argument 4: The first college football game ever was played in New Jersey.
But the score was 6-4! Six to four!
That is the single worst score I've ever heard of for a football game.
You think that toward the end of the game the Princeton team was
punting anytime they got near midfield just so they'd have a chance to
tie the game by forcing a third safety? God, that's just awful. -2
Anti-New Jersey Argument 4: New Jersey cities are ravaged by decay and gang violence.
Luckily, the state is planning on
addressing this problem by allowing enough toxins to be dumped into the
environment so as to make the state uninhabitable. No breathable air,
no gangs! A perfect New Jersey solution! -3
Pro-New Jersey Argument 5: Natalie Portman once pretended to be from New Jersey.
This
is actually very compelling. The most attractive person to ever pretend
to be from Maryland, my home state, is Ben Stein, who only looks sexy
if you squint until your eyes bleed. +6
Anti-New Jersey Argument 5: The state is located in New Jersey.
Even
if the icecaps melt and the oceans rise, the fish that swim
over the land will have pencil mustaches, surly dispositions and horrible enunciation
because the land is forever cursed. -1,000,000,000
Well, it
seems that analysis of all the arguments from this week confirms that
"New Jersey is a pit." Consistent with this determination, I will
personally be overseeing the abolition of New Jersey starting today.
New Jerseyites will have until 5 p.m. Friday to decide whether they
prefer to live in Chernobyl, Yukon Territory, the Gaza Strip or
Euro-Disney.
Column of the Week
Well after all that analysis, I certainly couldn't give CoW to anyone who remotely came out pro-New Jersey. That eliminates Emily, Caitlar, the Mayor, Lauren and D.C., who is considering employment there. Given the lopsided results, anyone who didn't take a definitive New Jersey is worse than death stance, is out of the running as well. That excludes Tori and KELLYq. Thus, CoW must come down to Justin Douglas, Jerome and Phylan. Since Phylan couldn't pinpoint any video evidence of New Jersey's inferiority, of which I have to presume there are voluminous quantities, he is eliminated. Thus, it comes down to Jerome's scientific analysis and Justin's paint pictures.
While Jerome's argument was very convincing, I'm just not sure that science isn't just a fad and a tool of the devil, so out of a fear of a vengeful God the award goes to Justin for his column "The Day I Learned I Hate New Jersey."
Congratulations.
The Omniscient Omtubsman runs Wednesday afternoons on the Bathtub.
Recent Comments