The Omniscient Omtubsman: Wherein "Omniscience" is redefined as "Psychosis"

I haven't been conversing much this week. For me, this is somewhat unusual because I usually have an inordinate number of opinions on just about everything and tend to think those opinions are important enough for people to want to hear them. But this week, those opinions and my own self-importance has taken a breather in part because of something that happened on this blog two weeks ago. I guess, what I'm trying to say, is that I've been thinking a lot lately. I've always wanted to say that the explanation for the fact that I wasn't speaking as much was because I had "a rich inner life." I admit that it's a pretty pretentious thing to say, but somehow I think it commands a bit of respect because, if true, it conveys a deeply felt satisfaction that I think all people should strive for.  However, I've always had some difficulty credibly making the claim of having a "rich inner life" for two reasons: number one...the aforementioned inability to conceal my opinions; and number two... the fact that I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about things that probably in no way enrich anybody, least of all me.

Anyhow, that little teaser was by way of introduction to this week's column, which I am devoting to the genius of "Marmaduke Explained," which was mentioned (but not hyperlinked to) two weeks ago in D.C.'s contribution to Art Week.  While I know that discussing "Marmaduke Explained" is a pretty far cry from discussing last week's posts about Kids, I feel that it still relates to my mission which is analyze and critique the weekly contributions from the tubtributors, UNLESS I get diverted by references to a mischievous Great Dane, in which case all bets are off.  Also, I can't thank D.C. enough for introducing me to this amazing blog, so praising a tubtributor is kind of legit. Finally, in the spirit of Marmaduke and occasional contributor Rory Porkham, I do what I want. (Incidentally, there are many similarities between Rory and Marmaduke, which will become obvious if you continue reading.)

So, having settled this week's topic, I will now switch the format of the remainder of the column to question and answer format.

So, why exactly do you think "Marmaduke Explained" is so funny?

Hard to say. I see a million things on the internet all the time (e.g. today I read an article about a bear kissing booth) but most provide only fleeting amusement. So I've been trying to grapple with why this one in particular stuck with me. I would say that there are two major reasons.

Number one: The blog has really highlighted to me how absurdly stupid the comic is. I mean, if you read through a bunch of Marmaduke comics you soon realize that the jokes are always either: (1) Marmaduke is big; (2) Marmaduke is like people; or (3) Marmaduke is really fucking big. How a comic could have survived for so long with such a pathetic lack of imagination is really fascinating. It kind of got me thinking that most comics are just relics of a bygone era in which poorly drawn characters saying a bunch of trite or nonsensical things passed for humor.

Number two: I really like the alter-ego that the blog creator has formed for Marmaduke. Basically, the great beast is nothing more than the embodiment of pure evil. The dog's salacious appetite for other dogs and humans alike knows no bounds.  The dog routinely mauls and eats people. When the dog is not violating, maiming or murdering others, he devotes his time to one of two activities: demanding food and/ or generally inconveniencing or endangering others. What is most amazing about this alter ego, is that if you read a few archived pages of the blog, this persona seems totally natural.

What thoughts do you have on the creator of the blog?

I'm very intrigued by the creator of the blog, Joe Mathlete. From what I can gather, he's a a dental student/ entrepreneur living in or around Houston, who really hates Marmaduke. I guess I appreciate the whole concept of the site in particular because before being exposed to it, I never had conceived of that particular combination of characteristics being possible. I mean, given that description it's completely possible that this guy's average morning involves getting up, reading the morning's Marmaduke, drinking coffee, driving to dental school, doing dental work, then all of a sudden destroying some poor cowboy's mouth with that dental hook thing simply because he hates Marmaduke that much.

I also have to admit that I'm a bit jealous. This guy seems to be living the dream. He writes about five blogs, which means that dental school isn't taking too much of a bite out of his time. Incidentally, the older I get, the more I regret never giving full consideration to attending dental school. The pros of dental school as I see them are as follows: yea you have to attend medical school, but after that and after no residency or a short one, you go into practice and basically get to set your own schedule.  People also have pretty low expectations of dentists, so you can feel free to operate your practice in whatever half-assed way you see fit. Finally, people care somewhat about their teeth, but not ridiculously so. So long as you don't fuck up any of the front teeth, I think no one is going to hassle you too much. All in all, a pretty easy job for a pretty decent sum of money. But I digress.

Further, he seems to have created a good readership on his blog, so if he wants to get out of the dental game at any point, it's plausible that he could become a full-time blogger. Finally, he figured out a way to get people to pay him for drawing on index cards, although his artistic skills seem to have been stunted at age 9. Again, I'm very impressed by this.

Are you going to say anything at all about Kids week at the Bathtub?

I was planning on it, but then I couldn't stop thinking about Marmaduke Explained, so no I guess not.

Which is your favorite Marmaduke Explained?

Good question. This requires me to go back and look at the site some more, which is good, obviously... Upon further reading, I have determined that many of the funniest ones tend to be too vulgar for me to re-post, but I have selected this one, which showcases both how painfully terrible the comic is and how much it pains the blogger, as described above.

"Marmaduke swallowed Sarah's wristwatch and he's sick to his stomach. Marmaduke's owner-girl makes a watch-related pun so asinine it takes at least three months off of my life every time I read it.

(side note-- I initially didn't notice the pun and thought Owner-Girl was actually saying "sick." Such is Marmaduke's patented brand of "phantom humor" that today's strip would have been no more or no less funny than any other had that been the case)."

Are you going to shut the hell up about Marmaduke and at least pick a Column of the Week?

Fine. I guess I owe it to you all after having not awarded a column of the week two weeks ago. Incidentally, I have noticed that Emily has taken to declaring her favorite column for this week, which is a disturbing trend in tubtributor activism if you ask me. Frankly, I think if you all realize that my picking the Column of the Week is completely arbitrary, it will render this column completely meaningless and I will not be able to share important discourses like today's topic with you. What a shame that would be. Incidentally, I know it's highly unorthodox and possibly unethical for me to comment on the current week's columns so far, but the first two days have been hilarious. I would not at all be surprised if "New Jersey" week turns out to be our best ever.

Anyhow, Column of the Week this week goes to Tori, for her column "If Only Kids-R-Us Actually Sold Kids."  This barely edged out Lauren's version of E-bathing, but I decided not to do that because I didn't want to hurt the Mayor's feelings by insinuating that others are better at writing her column than she is. Actually, though, although Tori's column wasn't as funny as it could have been, and it was discredited in the comments section once again, as Shanaynay mentioned, it was a pretty impressive feat to work "the seals, the zoo, HRC, and hitler all in one post." Also, any reference to characters from the show Martin tends to curry my favor.

Congratulations, Tori.

The Omniscient Omtubsman runs Wednesday afternoons on the Bathtub.

Comments

[Jerome]

Ok, I'm glad you brought this up. My life was also changed by Marmaduke Explained, which finally makes knowing D.C. worthwhile. It gets to the point that I start laughing at Marmaduke before I read Joe Mathlete's captions, because I'm anticipating his hilarious response. I seriously had to stop reading these at work because it'd have to muffle my laughter at my desk.

[Jerome]

For example, this one is particularly sweet

http://marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com/2006/12/marmaduke-is-wearing-pair-of-specially.html

[D.C.]

I'm so glad this was such a hit.

http://marmadukeexplained.blogspot.com/2007/02/marmaduke-prepares-to-devour-porcine.html

[D.C.]

You don't need a paragraph to explain Marmaduke's alter ego. You need one sentence:

Marmaduke is an asshole.