One Nation Under Jerome: Kids in the Comics As They Relate To Your Incompetence as a Prospective Parent

I'm sure a lot of anxiety goes into being a parent, especially being a prospective parent.  Parents fret of course about what kind of world their children will grow up in, if their children will be happy in life, if they will be healthy with all the necessary apendages, that their children will live in safety and be able to fulfill their dreams.  But I'm sure, on top of all these very important concerns, the following thought has to go through the mind of any father holding his newborn baby:  "Gee, I hope this kid doesn't suck."

Of course, it can be hard to tell, especially if you love your kids, but some kids suck.  To determine the ever-present question of "How Lame is My Kid", I present to you the following diagnostic tool, using children from well-known comic strips to illustrate the point.

Threat Level Family Circus:  If your kid qualifies for Threat Level Family Circus, he is a really lame kid.  He is always making uncomfortable comments about his dead grandpa.  He wants everyone to think he's adorable for simply making observations such as "If God wanted us to eat spaghetti with our hands, he would have made our arms out of forks!"  If you ever have people over, hide this kid behind a plant or something; he will surely embarass your cooler friends.

Threat Level Dennis the Menace:  This kid is slightly less lame than one in Threat Level Family Circus.  He is just as much of a dope, but also carries around a slingshot so as to show the Family Circus kids who is boss, so he at least has a little street cred.  Still, he seeks both negative attention (by trampling your precious roses, hitting a baseball through your window, [insert reckless child cliche], etc) and positive attention (by sucking up to Mrs. Wilson for candy, making adorable observatons)--which is a lethal combination for any kid.  This kid needs plenty of both kinds of attention; you'd prefer to give no attention at all.

Threat Level Calvin and Hobbes:  Pros:  Your kid likes dinosaurs--someday you will be able to explain to him the true meaning of Jurassic Park (that dinosaurs were very similar to birds) and he will look up at you with childlike awe.  Cons:  Your kid is always peeing on things, such as Fords or Chevys or Jeff Gordon.  Not sure why. 

Threat Level Big Nate:  Your kid likes to draw and doesn't get along with his teacher, Mrs. Godfrey, who is a blatant rip-off of Calvin's teacher, Mrs. Wormwood.  Ultimately, this kid is bearable, but his hair is too spikey for a 9-year old.  Also, he never says anything amusing, which is good, because you hate the sound of children's laughter. 

Threat Level Hagar the Horrible:  Your kid is a viking. 

Threat Level Slylock Fox:  Your kid, for unexplained reasons, LOVES Slylock Fox.  That's bad.  Euthanize him.

So, looking back, I see all of these above syndromes are particularly undesirable.  How then are you supposed to know what kind of kid to birth?  I think ultimately you have to look at a variety of factors.  You want your kid to be a combination of characters:  as knowledgible about sports as Tank McNamara, as nature-loving as Mark Trail, as black as Curtis, and as sensitive as Mary Worth.  Now there's a kid I'd pay $5 to rake my leaves! 

Comments

[Lauren]

Also disturbing is that in all of these cases your child will never age and you will have to take care of him forever

[EmGusk]

love your post!!

[KELLYq]

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa i love big nate

[Gorg-O]

I enjoy Slylock Fox.

[The Mayor]

I loved slylock fox!

[Jerome]

Then you guys should be lucky I didn't birth you.

[Rory]

Though I don't know about the nature thing, Urkel comes fairly close to being your perfect child. He's sensative, black, and has a sports blog.
http://www.nba.com/blog/blog22.html