One Nation Under Jerome: The Bill Passed Snacknaminously

Ok, I'm pissed off at Congressman Jim Ramstad again.  This time, it is for entirely un-zoo-related reasons (though I do need to point out that the man is clearly unrational in his hatred of zoos.)  No, this time the reason I'm angry about Ramstad is:  Snacks.  Or should I say, the lack thereof?  Or should I say, the snack thereof?  Nah, I shouldn't say that.

WTF?  This column makes no sense.  Probably because I've been at work since 5:30 this morning.  I apologize.  Anyway, my point is that in spite of incontrovertible evidence that snacks are a) delicious, b) usually salty and c) easy to take with you in the car, we have no official national snack.  I blame Ramstad's failure to act--or rather, on his failure to snact.  Oh God, this column is just awful.

Why the need for a nation snack?  I dunno.  After doing some research, I found that there are only 3 states that have official state snacks, according to some website.

The Official State Snack of Texas is . . . chips and salsa.

The Official State Snack Food of South Carolina is . . . boiled peanuts.

The Official State Snack Food of Illinois is . . . popcorn.

I'd like to commend South Carolina for a bold choice.  Any state can make their official snack food a nut (legume?), but very few would be so daring as to suggest how to prepare said nut.  I'd also like to disparage South Carolina and Illinois for caving to the using the language "Snack food" instead of "snack."  I think that's lame.

Anyways, unlike South Carolina, I think Texas and Illinois have surprisingly disappointing entries.  How about some creativity--what happened? 

I was so outraged about this for a minute that I did a little more digging and found out that the reason the state snack in both of these cases is so banal is because of a bunch of punk kids.  Apparently, both snack foods ended up in their esteemed position because kids lobbied the state legislature as part of some civics project.  According to the Illinois civics teacher:

"I wanted to show these kids I could make a difference in this world for them and I wanted to show them they could make a deference basically pass a law to make popcorn the Illinois state snack," said Hollister."

Wouldn't it be fun to be like the chief opponent of this bill?  If I were a legislator, I think I'd relish saying on the floor of the State House, "Mr. Speaker, I rise today to oppose Mrs. Addison-Weemer's 3rd grade class bill to make Mike-and-Ikes the official snack of Maryland.  These kids are a disgrace, which is why I've introduced an amendment to make the official snack Sno-Cones."

Anyway, what should the United States' official snack be?  I'd recommend something that  is ridiculous as far as health consequences are concerned.  Some that come to mind are potato skins, mozarella sticks, or Gorditas.  Any thoughts?

Comments

[Lauren]

How about Nerds Rope?

[vero]

sno-cones? seriously? that absolutely, unequivocably does NOT count as a snack. considering the fact that a sno-cone is composed of about 90% water (plus 10% coloured sugar-syrup) those paper-wrapped shaved-ice "treats" are a more akin to "beverage" than "snack."

i am surprisingly riled up now.

[Jerome]

I knew it was controversial when I said it, but I'm not backing down now!

[EmGusk]

this might be surprising, but we were actually talking about this exact issue in one of my classes last week...(more precisely children choosing state cats and state dogs.) apparently this class in ohio wanted to chose a state frog so they picked the bullfrog. they went and talked with this frog expert who said the bullfrog was the asshole of the frog world and they should pick something nicer, like the toad. well the class wanted none of that, so they still wrote the bill for the bullfrog. meanwhilz, the frog expert was pissed, so he sent a letter to all of the state representatives and told them to vote against the little kids' law. and they did. oh the power of our american legislatures.

[Andrea]

I can't tell if Lauren is being sarcastic or sincere, but Nerds Ropes are, like, my favorite candy in the entire world. They are ridiculously awesome.

[Lauren]

I know we joke around about a lot of things on this website, but I would never joke about Nerds Ropes. They are awesome.