One Nation Under Jerome: Which is Why New Jersey's Official Motto is, "Hey, You Could Do Worse"

I remember once seeing a commercial for New Jersey put out by their tourism board. At the time, I was pretty amazed--the commercial had only 30 seconds to fill, and had the entire landmass of New Jersey at its disposal, so you'd think they could make it look moderately interesting. However, even looking at the best of New Jersey for only 30 seconds, you are still stuck with the general impression of "Wow, this place is awful."

That being said, you could do worse.  By my count, there are exactly 5 states that are worse than New Jersey.  They are . . .

5)  Oklahoma.  If you like getting blown away by tornados and having a Protestant work ethic, then maybe Oklahoma is the place for you.  Or if for some reason you are infatuated with the musical Oklahoma--but then again if you are infatuated with musical theater you probably won't fare too well in Oklahoma if you catch my drift.  (My drift is that you are gay.)  Also, Oklahoma boasts two of the nation's most conservative Senators, James "Global Warming is a Hoax" Inhofe and Tom "Girls in Public Schools Can't Go to the Bathroom Without Being Accosted By Lesbians" Coburn.  Normally those are the sort of things that your crazy embarassing uncle says, but in Oklahoma that passes for leadership.  Which is why Oklahoma's official motto is "Oklahoma--Batshit Crazy."  Still, at least it is not . . .

4)  Idaho.  One time when I was 12, I was in Idaho and I got a milkshake at this restaurant, and some guy made fun of me.  True story, and that's honestly all I remember, but it left a sour taste in my mouth (the incident, not the milkshake--the milkshake left a delicious taste in my mouth).  But Idaho isn't all milkshakes and insults--it is also known for its potatos.  Which is great, I love potatos--but c'mon!  If you are famous for something, and it is POTATOS--then what kind of f'ing lame state are you living in?  That's the best you got to entice people into your craphole of a state?  Which is why Idaho's official motto is "Idaho--Maybe A Potato Will Change Your Mind."  Still, at least it is not . . .

3)  Indiana.  Originally, Indiana was invented as a way to get to and from a couple of relatively useful states, Ohio and Illinois.  However, we have planes these days, which help you skip right the hell over Indiana.  So we're left with a vast wasteland of a state with absolutely no purpose other than bringing the American public such beloved figures as Bob Knight, Michael Jackson, and Carrot Top (probably).  And let's not forget stock car racing--oh wait, I've already forgotten it because I am a liberal snob who looks down at such things.  Also, you have distant relatives who you don't like or really understand how they are related to you, and they all live in Indiana.  Which is why Indiana's official motto is "Indiana--Once You Had To Attend A Family Reunion Here And It Was the Worst Weekend of Your Life."  Still, at least it is not . . .

2)  North Dakota.  Man, by far is this ever the worst of the Dakotas.  Compared to its funky and fun-loving neighbor of the same namesake to the South, North Dakota is a quiet, murderous recluse with whom no one likes making eye contact.  It is on average 10 degrees colder and 6 degrees lamer than South Dakota, plus it has on average 4 fewer faces carved into the side of mountains.  The only good thing about North Dakota is the film Fargo, which I think was mocking the futility of life in North Dakota.  Which is why North Dakota's official motto is, "North Dakota--I Hate Myself and Want to Die."  Still, at least it is not . . .

1)  New Jersey.  Actually, New Jersey is in fact the worst state in the country.

Comments

[Tori]

Wasn't there some to-do a while back about how North Dakota wanted to change its name to just Dakota? They felt like the North was scaring off all the sun-lovin' tourists. (When, in fact, the state's level of suck was what was scaring off the sun-lovin' tourists . . . also man-eating bison.)

[Tori]

Also, when it comes down to which Dakota is to blame for the existence of Dakota Fanning, I've got to assume that North Dakota's at fault.

[Lauren]

HAHA good twist there at the end.

Let the New Jersey bashing continue!!!!!!!

[Tori]

The intro to your post seems really familiar. Did you lift it from something else you wrote before? I'm not accusing you of being less-than-creative. I'm just trying to figure out why I'm experiencing this blog-dejavu. Maybe I dreamed your post or something. That'd be cool . . .

Ha, or maybe it seems familiar because you told me that story about watching the NJ tourism commerical at a party once. And I thought to myself, "That story was moderately amusing, but would have been better if he followed it up with a list of other shitty states."

[Andrea]

This made me laugh really hard, well done. Also, I appreciate that Iowa is not on the list. And I currently live in Indiana and yes, it does suck.

[Jerome]

Actually I was toying with Iowa so let me assure you it was a narrow decision.

Yeah Tori I never wrote that before, but definitely have told that before, so that's probably what happened. I remember at the time thinking, "This story is mildly amusing, but would be more amusing if I included the [true] fact that then-closeted Governor McGreevy actually said in the commercial 'Come out and see us!'"

[Dan Quayle]

Thanks for spelling potatos right

[Tori]

Yeah, the gay joke sounds familiar too . . .

[Jerome]

Not only did McGreevy say that in the commercial, but Larry Craig started his conference w/ "Thank you for coming out." Did we elect Tobias Funke to every office in this nation or something?

[The Mayor]

Great column! I love that you mocked Dakota the Lesser (ND). However, I quibble with your description of Ohio as "relatively useful." Ohio is home to three large urban areas: Cincinnati, Columbus, and Cleveland. In other words, a trifecta of bland and useless urban centers that make me proud that Maryland is home to the urban blight that is Baltimore. And what notable people ever came from Ohio? Jerry Springer (former mayor of Cincinnati)? In conclusion, Ohio is not even relatively useful.