Nerdish Leanings: Secrets of Making a Hit Game

Hey jerks: Follow my simple rules if you want to become the next Gunpei Yokoi, Hironobu Sakaguchi, or even Shigeru Miyamoto!

1. Update the Roster of a Previous Successful Game
Every year, another Madden NFL game comes out. It inevitably becomes a top seller. The fundamental difference between each release, I am told, is that the players have been replaced to reflect the current NFL lineup.  Now, as a card-carrying nerd, I must disclose that I:
A. Don't give a good god damn about football.
B. Have never played a football video game.
C. Have only a vague understanding of the basic mechanics of the sport.
D. Was significantly more excited about seeing the Prince half-time show than watching the Super Bowl.
E. Was even more excited to watch the puppy bowl.

Having thus established that I have essentially no authority on this matter, I'm going to suggest that I might consider playing Madden NFL '09 if the roster could be updated to contain robots and ninjas that breathe radioactive fire (this would also get me to watch football on television, incidentally).

2. Slap a Pair of Tits on it

3. Take a Previously Existing Hit and Make it More EXTREME
Street Fighter 2 introduced a generation of kids to the idea that punching could be fun. Then, Mortal Kombat upped the ante with the addition of BLOOD and decapitation to video games. Of course, we all know what happened next: EXTREME BITING ACTION.

Everybody remembers Primal Rage, right? Well, if you aren't familiar with it now, you will be after this summer, according to  this completely legit video.

4. Capitalize on Little-Known Stereotypes
Aside from the aforementioned stereotypes (Football players like to play football, dinosaurs are good at biting), it seems like the best-selling games play to some of the less obvious stereotypes. Italian plumbers eat gold coins to gain eternal life! Hedgehogs are fast and gnarly! OK!

5. Cause a fuss
Two words: Hot Coffee (NSFW).

Justin Douglas writes "Nerdish Leanings" for The Bathtub on Monday afternoons.  You can e-mail him at j.d.bathtub@gmail.com.

Comments

[Lauren]

Haha, these principles could probably also be applied to making our blog more interesting as well.

[Andrea]

If you're going to apply these to the blog, I move to apply suggestion 2 to D.C.

[KELLYq]

If DC had boobs he'd just fondle himself all the time

[D.C.]

Why would I leave the house when I'd have everything I've ever wanted within reach?