KELLYq & a: How to Drive on the New Jersey Turnpike

One time, in college, Phylan, Lauren, and I were driving up to Rhode Island to visit the Omtubsman. (Oh, the interconnectedness of the Tub.)
We left College Park at 1pm. Why? I can't recall: perhaps I had a class I was too puss to skip. Perhaps we needed to get more Chee-tos for the car. Regardless: this was a stupid decision because:
It meant we got on the New Jersey Turnpike at 3:30 pm. And were on the turnpike until roughly 6:30. Which was when we hit the shitty, shitty rush hour traffic of New York City. And then, to add insult to injury, we had to drive through like three hours of consruction-laden, dark, lame, Connecticut.
I've been on that damn turnpike more than a few times since that fateful day, and each of them has sucked. Still, after some careful internet research, I've compiled some advice for you the next time you embark down NJTP.

Step One: Before Your Journey
Before your Journey, you should consult the internet to see what traffic conditions are like. Thankfully, the good people of New Jersey have provided you with this helpful website which allows you to check on the traffic situation. Here is an screenshot of their homepage. Highlighted you'll find the following:

• The button to click to get to the traffic info.
• Four Lame-Wads.

If you click the highlighted button, you will be linked to an informative page like this:

Now, you're on your way to a great trip!!

Step Two: Plan Your Pit-Stops
The only good thing about the NJTP is that the stops along the way are awesome. They are named after total studs like:

• Clara Barton
• Avril Lavigne
• Some Fat Mafia Guy

But seriouxbeez folks, the awesome part is that many of them have a Roy Rogers. And at Roy Rogers, you can get a Gold Rush Sandwich. Here's the menu listing from the Roy Rogers website (unedited):
That's right, it says:

"Fried Chicken filet topped with bacon, cheese, and sweet BBQ sauce."

Don't Hate. It's amazingly delicious.

Step Three: Try Not to Listen to Any Bruce Springsteen or People Will Think You're From New Jersey and They Might Try to Talk to You About How Sweet "The Boss" Is and You Will Feel Uncomfortable.

Just drive fast and try not to look at anyone.

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Comments

[Lauren]

STEP 4: Sing the Counting Crows song "Mr. Jones" as a group, taking turns, with each person saying ONE word at a time, and starting over anytime someone messes up.

[brickbats]

As the Amazing "THE BOSS" wrote:

Outside the street's on fire in a real death waltz
Between flesh and what's fantasy
Man, the poets down here don't write nothing at all,
They just stand back and let it all be
And in the quick of the night, they reach for their moment and try to make an honest stand
But they wind up wounded, not even dead
Tonight in Jungleland

And to that I add that Bruce Springsteen is a super talented singer/songwriter plus an effective New Jersey uplifter.

[D.C.]

I have a friend here who went to the same high school as The Boss. He delights in telling us that fact.

[KELLYq]

Whateva, Dad, you know you secretly hate bruce springsteen a little

Also isn't it true that billy joel is from jersey?

[EmGusk]

i'm pretty sure billy joel is from ny and that's why my dad loooves him. also, i totally associate billy joel with the turnpike because that is the only cassette my dad would listen to on the turnpike. that or paul simon.

[Happy birthday!]

Whose birthday is it?