KELLYq & a: How to Talk to Children

What I would really like to post today are hilarious stories that have happened to me while teaching. But, I can't because:
a) That would break laws, I've been told.
b) I don't want any of my students to find this blog, ever.
c) They might not be that funny.
So, instead, I have a helpful guide for speaking to children, which is something I do about 180 days a year. I find that most people I know who aren't teachers have very little day-to-day interaction with children. Mainly they end up talking to their bosses, co-workers, and themselves as they rant like lunatics on the way home from work. So when they do find themselves presented with this small people, they are often unprepared for the subtle differences in communication necessary for proper conduct.

Situation One: A Child Has Acted In Error
If your friend had made a mistake that resulted in your being inconvenienced, you would want to tell that person in earnest how their mistake made you feel. Children need more tact and cushioning.

To Peer:
"Jonathan, you really 'effed this one up. I am so pizzxxed at you! I can't believe you would be so inconsiderate? Weren't you considering my needs at all? WTF is WRONG WITH YOU!"

When adjusting your speech for a child, you'd need to address the following changes:
- Children stop listening to you once you swear. When they hear you swear (Yes, "effed" counts as a swear), they immediately stop listening and think "OMG he said a swear"
- Children aren't hip to the proper pluralization and "-beez"ing of words.
- Children don't consider other people's feelings. When's the last time a baby asked you how your day was? With these in mind, you may consider adjusting your response thusly:

To Child:
"Jonathan, I wonder why you acted the way that you did. You need to make positive choices for yourself and others. Butt-Face."

Situation Two: A Child Has Done Something Well
If your friend had done something well, they probably wouldn't expect much praise, because they know that you don't really care. Children expect you to celebrate their every accomplishment.

To Peer:
"Wow, Jonathan. You got a promotion? Awesome. I'm soooo proud of you. Not."
To Child:
"Wow, Jonathan! I'm so amazed that you managed to crap in your pants! What a good boy. Do you want a lollipop?

Situation Three: A Child Has Started Telling a Knock-Knock Joke
This is the worst situation you can possibly be in with a child. Distract him/her by talking about High School Musical. If your friend starts telling you knock-knock jokes, kick him in the face -- with insults. (or kicks.)

To Peer:
"Shut up, Ass-Face. No one wants to hear your lame-ass joke."
To Child:
"Isn't Zac Efron adorable?

"KELLYq & a" runs on Wednesday mornings. For more information, click here. 

Comments

[EmGusk]

talking about high school musical is a surprisingly good way to distract me too.

[Tori]

Dear KELLYq,
So uh, that post that I wrote about things that happened to me when teaching, is that illegal?
Love,
Tori
P.S.: I'll be really sad if my whole archive becomes "The body of this post has been removed for legal reasons."

[Caitlar]

I like to wear a do not disturb sign on my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. Say "Hey, how ya doin', nephew?" "Knock knock!" "Read the sign, punk!"

[Jerome]

"When's the last time a baby asked you how your day was?"

Good linezarrmmmeez

[Not a lawyer]

I don't understand Tori's comment.

[Not a lawyer]

...which was because I didn't read the introduction