If you were hoping to catch a glimpse of The Mayor this morning, then I sincerely hope you're a first grader in a low-income New York elementary school, because that's the only way it's going to happen for you today. That's right, our fair Mayor has slipped into the black hole of being a first-time teacher this week, and as a result she doesn't even have time to really bathe, let alone e-bathe. However, I'll be pulling double duty and covering for her so as to ensure that your Thursday morning can go on in the weird, eBay-themed fashion you've grown accustomed to. Lucky you!
The first thing I thought of when considering "eBay" and "Children" was, of course, can you buy children on eBay? I was inclined to think yes, on account of the fact that when you Google "Mexican babies" (as I once did for an LMNOP post on celeb adoptions), you are greeted with the following ad in the sidebar:
Unfortunately though, clicking that link does not take you to a page of competitively-priced children ready to go to the highest bidder. Instead, it just takes you to a bunch of crap like this Vintage Mexican Doll. Lame!
As a matter of fact, after a lot of thorough searching I feel confident in saying that there are no babies--Mexican or otherwise--available for sale on eBay. Searching for "live children" only gives you dead ends, like this creepy ass statue:
If those are live children, I'll eat my hat.
With my search for a new son or daughter going nowhere, I decided to change courses. I had a hunch that eBay would be a great place for the buying and selling of costumes for children's beauty pageants, and guess what? It is. Turns out a full 75% of eBay users are pageant mommies with a lot of free time and adjectives to spare.
As a result, you are just a winning bid away from owning this "absolutely breathtaking" piece of "National Pageant swimwear" from morgan608a, who assures us that her daughter "has always scored very well in this suit and the judges have always seemed to love it." In fact, morgan608a would love to keep it forever, but, as she tells us, "it's time to get my little diva a new one!" Well, if your little diva likes used swimsuits, be sure to jump on this opportunity.
I love the ad for this "one of a kind Madagascar themed sportswear" outfit solely for the line, "The fishnet fingerless wrist high gloves are very hard to find [in] children's sizes." Really? I would think you could easily find them at any Child Whores R Us.
I'm not copying any of the pictures from these ads into my post, because most of them are of the sellers' real children modeling the outfits, and somehow I feel like co-opting them would be tasteless even for a post that started off with me trying to buy a Mexican baby. However, rest assured that most pageant moms are happy to adorn their ads with multiple pictures of their "little divas" in full pageant regalia, so click at your own risk. (Some of them actually chose to black out their daughters' faces, but I feel like that's even weirder somehow.)
So, the moral of today's post? We need The Mayor back, because things get disturbing when she's gone. As a result, the Bathtub-approved purchase of the week is this beautiful orange daily planner for The Mayor to buy so she can get her hectic teacher life in order and come back to us ASAP.
There is nothing on this good Earth creepier than pageant children and their parents. Nothing.
Posted by: D.C. | September 06, 2007 at 11:47 AM
D.C. was a pagent baby, that's why he knows
Posted by: EmGusk | September 06, 2007 at 01:47 PM