Too Much Information: An Interview with CaveLauren

I am afraid of pretty much everything.  I am afraid of horses, pictures of horses, roller coasters, fireworks, the dark, infinity, anesthesia, my computer breaking, my legs breaking, my brakes cutting out, my eyebrows getting too thin, Tyra Banks, roadkill, power tools, elevators, airplanes, heights, and more.  Much more. 

Some of my fears--Tyra Banks, power tools--are pretty rational and justified, and others are harder to explain.  Psychologists will sometimes try to explain irrational fears by suggesting they have deep evolutionary roots; for example, that we tend to be afraid to speak up against peer pressure because millions of years ago, when people hunted in groups, risking isolation from your peers was a way to lose your meal ticket.  And having your friends know that you actually liked Au Pair is less important than ensuring you don't starve to death.  Or something.  Again, I find this all unconvincing--it seems like I should be able to overrule these ancient caveman urges pretty easily.  However, I try to keep an open mind, so I decided to invite a special guest to help me write this column.  Meet CaveLauren, the primitive, cave-dwelling version of myself:

I have invited CaveLauren here today so that I could explore the potential subconscious, evolutionary roots of my fears.  In this post I will be showing CaveLauren pictures of some of the things that truly scare me, and asking her why.  Let's begin.

Lauren: So, CaveLauren, we'll start with an easy one.  Why am I scared of this:

CaveLauren: Um, that thing is huge.  Its teeth are huge.  It is fast and powerful.  In cave society, we have two options in dealing with things this big and scary: hide from them, or kill them.  There are no exceptions to this rule.

Lauren: That seems reasonable, but again--it was an easy one.  Here's something more challenging.  In today's civilization we have something called ventriloquism.  Ventriloquists are people who take these wooden dolls and then try to make it look like the dolls are talking.  Here's a picture:

Now, I know that these dolls aren't capable of doing anything to harm me--they can't even move on their own.  But nevertheless, I get a primal chill when I look at them.  Why is that?

CaveLauren: There are two things about this picture that I can immediately identify as threatening to a cave person such as myself.  First of all, as a cave person I am extremely distrustful of anything that looks like it was designed to imitate the appearance of a human--it would seem to me that it is part of some kind of trick designed to kill me.  Additionally, I am very wary of a man that chooses to use his time in this fashion.  I am millions of years old, but even I can tell that his dolls are not real.  So why would this man work so elaborately to support the illusion that they are somehow sentient?  This is deeply aberrant behavior, if you ask me, and I would not trust that man.

Lauren: I see.  OK, why am I scared of this girl:

CaveLauren: She is extremely pale-looking, which suggests she is of no use in any of the hardy pursuits that we cave women engage in on a daily basis.  Since she has somehow made it to almost-childbearing age without having to fend for herself, it is clear to me that she must have some evil powers at her disposal to protect and sustain her.

Lauren: Yeah, like maniacal, obsessive stage parents.  OK, last one: birds.  Why do they freak me out?

CaveLauren: Maybe they subconsciously remind you of dinosaurs, or maybe because you are worried they will fly off with your baby.

Lauren: But I don't even have a baby.

CaveLauren: Really?  Aren't you, like, 24?

Lauren: Yeah.

CaveLauren: You should have great-grandchildren by now!

Lauren: OK, you're full of shit.  I mean, it's been nice talking to you, and it's very convenient that you know English and have such a great vocabulary, but I think this interview has run its course.

CaveLauren: Does that mean I have to go back into that holding cell with Cathy, Raif, Minnesota Expert, and all those other guys?

Lauren: Yeah, sorry.  We don't really know where else to put you.

Lauren McMahon (e-mail, website) writes "Too Much Information" on Mondays at noon.  Find out more here.

Comments

[Jerome]

Ooh, I see someone was paying attention to Jurassic Park.

So you are afraid of ventriloquists? That is quite logical for a (cave) woman. The ventriloquist is symbolic of the desire of men to dominate society - especially women. In an idea (e.g., Stepford) world, women would be nothing but puppets. They only open their mouths when men tell them to..... whether that be to speak, or...a-hem, you get the picture.