The Raiftubsman/Gorg-O's Time to Shine: You're All A Bunch of Wusses

  Well, it sure was an awful week as far as the Bathtub was concerned!  (Or should I say, as FEAR as the Bathtub was concerned!!)  We were subjected to Tubtributor after Tubtributor whining because their moms never left the nightlight on, or their dads never drove them to skee-ball practice, or things of that nature.  If I gave out prize tickets depending on the level of skillz for writing about fear . . . you guys wouldn't even win enough to buy one of those plastic cup and ball toys that you get from the prize booth!!  Hat, hat, hat!!

I was appalled to learn, however, that longtime Tub Superfan Gorg-O was not as pessimistic as I was about this week.  This inspired a Tito vs. Willoughby style debate between me and Gorg-O, which we have submitted to the Omtubsman.  Read it . . . if you dare!!! Hat, hat, hat!!

Gorgo's Time to Shine:  When I learned that Raif and I would be filling in for the Omniscient Omtubsman, I decided the best way to begin would be to check out Raif’s previous work.  I was disappointed to learn that, despite my earlier praise for Raif, his obsession with skee-ball has clouded his judgment.  Raif wrote that hot chicks love skee-ball!  That is obviously ludicrous.  However, hot chicks do love media critics/ombudsmen/bloggers, which is why I am here today. 

Why do hot chicks love media critics/ombudsmen/bloggers?

·     They make big bucks.  Jim Romenesko, known for the influential media web site named Romenesko, made $169,187 in 2003.

·     They are jocks.  Daniel Okrent, the former public editor of the New York Times, invented rotisserie baseball.

You may note that I included only two reasons hot chicks love media critics/ombudsmen/bloggers, but I assume those are more reasons than Raif could think of for why hot chicks supposedly love skee-ball players. 

Last week’s topic was fear, which was an inspired choice; everyone has his or her own special fears. 

·     E-bathing featured an eclectic collection of products; I continue to enjoy The Mayor’s new format. 

·     Jerome’s recollection of nearly all of his past Halloween costumes was impressive – I give the bee costume yarn an “A.”

·     While Kelly could not produce a full column, she was considerate and provided general advice. 

·     D.C. provided a look into the mind of the modern big-city commuter in the age of terrorism, though I object to his policy banning non-D.C. children from the District (who else has fond memories of this museum?) 

·     I was too chicken to watch YouTub’s videos, so I suggest you watch this video (or this one) in honor of game show week. 

·     Caitlar brought back memories of childhood and Emily featured the pickle girl, whose appearance is always appreciated. 

·     Tori’s entry surprised me; I thought her opening statement that the only thing that scared her was intolerance would result in a heartfelt, uplifting story about overcoming prejudice.  The Tori I am familiar with would not require four years and Dutch courage (apologies to our Dutch readers) to talk to a co-ed.  In any event, I applaud her for continuing to share her foibles.

Gorg-O’s column of the week

The choice for column of the week choice was easy; Lauren admitted her innermost fears (even ones that were embarrassing and silly) in an entertaining fashion and introduced a great new character to the Tub.  Since Raif is getting a second chance perhaps CaveLauren can make a return appearance in the future.

The Raiftubsman: That's right, Raif puts his good ol' mug in a column, not once, not twice, but thrice!  I know this is the second time, but I've also included it below, so as to make the following point:  RAIF IN THE HOUSE!!!

Alright, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get down to Bweezness.

Issue 1:  Gorg-O's contention that hot chicks do not love skee-ball.  Gorg-O offers the following highly scientific rebuttal, which I quote:  "That is obviously ludicrous."  Thanks for providing all that empirical evidence, Gorg-O!  I know it sounds counterintuitive to some, but it is true.  In a recent survey, 78% of hot chicks claimed that "Skee-ball is too sweet for turkey meat," while 17% said, "Yeah, you know, it's awesome."  The other 5% were undecided.  Besides, just ask my girlfriend, Raifina, if she likes skee-ball.  (And yes I know it is quite coincidental that she is named Raifina.  We get that all the time!! Hat, hat, hat!!)

Issue 2:  These week's painfully dreadful columns.  In fact, very often I just glanced at them because they were so awful.  Here's how bad they were, and what I vaguely remember; Let's run train on the list, here: 

Lauren wrote about her fear of caves, citing the fact that they were cold and full of bats.  Ever hear of a sweater?  Or Bat Poison?  C'mon!!

Justin Douglas wrote about his fear of vacations.  Live a little, Justin!

The Mayor, if that is his real name, wrote about his fear of E-bay.  (I say "he", because although the picture looks feminine,  it is a well known fact that women cannot hold political office, its the law.) Mayor, if you are so scared of E-bay, why do you choose to write about it each week!?!!

Jerome was scared of everything: clowns, bees, judges from murder trials.  The only thing he ISN'T scared of evidentally is reusing old phrases and half-assing columns!! Hat, hat, hat.

Judging by KELLYq's column title ("AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!") she is scared of being startled, or seeing a spider, or having someone drop a skee-ball on her toe.

The Omtubsman was so scared last week that he avoided staying on topic altogether, instead talking about circles, or wagons, or something.

DC wrote about his fear that he will go on the terrorist watch list for suggesting that it is more important to be on time at some douchey-law job than it is to save people from terrorism! Hat, hat, hat.

Phylan wrote about his continued fear of writing . . . posting only videos with very little text for the 20th consecutive week!!  C'mon Phylan, pick up a pen!

Caitlar wrote about her fear of Haunted Masks.  I can relate--NOT!!!  In fact, I won the 2003 Mid-Atlantic semi-finals wearing a Ned Flanders mask.  RAIF IN THE HOUSE!!

Emily wrote about her fear of Congressman Jim Ramstad.  Who could blame her?  That man sure hates zoos.

And rounding out the mediocrity was Tori, who wrote about her fear of a girl who looks like I did in 8th grade.  You weren't the only girl who was scared of someone who looks like Raif!!! Wait . . .ohhhh!!!

Issue 3:  Raif's Column of the Week

This honor CLEARLY goes to . . . KELLYq.  NOT!!!!  It in actuality goes to Phylan.  Despite his completely uncreative decision to use video again--those videos were actually scary, unlike any of the other things mentioned by this week's unbearably chickenshit tubtributors.  After watching Phylan's videos, I had Raifmares all week!

See you later, and remember--I'm one part groundhog, two parts corndog.  RAIF IN THE HOUSE!!

Comments

[KELLYq]

Raif I found a picture of your car

[D.C.]

"The Capital Children's Museum closed permanently on August 22, 2004..."

Now they have no business in my city. Stay out.

[Lauren]

I actually DO have fond memories of the Capital Children's Museum, but they occurred when I was 20. My older sister and I worked there in the science room the winter before it closed and we got to put on the daily science shows. This was the only job I have ever had where I had unrestricted access to liquid nitrogen, which is a shame because it is really fun to put things into liquid nitrogen and see what happens. (Obvi what happens is that the things always freeze, but it's still fun.)

[CaveLauren]

Oh, I'll be back all right.

[Tori]

Wait, why did it close? I was OBSESSED with that place. Especially the Mexico room.

[Lauren]

It closed because it was ghetto as shit.