The Omniscient Omtubsman: Internet Potato Au Gratin

From an omtubsman's point of view (as if there were more than one of us), last week's theme presented a wealth of riches. With everyone switching columns in what was somewhat mysteriously dubbed "Internet Potato" (which, as Tori pointed out, was a derivative moniker of "Hot Potato," a traditional game in which hungry Irish children must pass around a scalding but delectable starchy tuber), I got a chance to scientifically analyze the various columns and their underlying columns in a manner not previously achievable. In cheesemaking, this process is called separating the curd from the whey. Following the jump, you'll find out which tubbers ended up as finely aged Gouda, and which ones might by best sprayed from a can.

Alright, I'm not going to be meanspirited and divide our tubtributors like that. But, in fact, last week was a boon for me because it really helped bring depth to a distinction in our column formats between those with more highly-defined formats and those that depend more on the underlying identity of the particularly tubtributor who typically writes it to make it full. For the inaugural edition of "Internet Potato," I found myself enjoying the more formulaic column-types better, which is not at all meant to suggest that they are better overall, but rather that they lend themselves more easily to comparison.

 

I particularly enjoyed reading YouTub and E-bathing last week for that reason. It was easy to compare Tori's rendition of YouTub to the typical Phylan phare and thus more fully illuminate the differences in their respective identities. For example, I learned that you can take the feminist out of Tori but you can't take out her hatred of animals. Interesting. Actually, I wanted to take a second to particularly comment on Tori's use of the YouTub column to mock Phylan's love of kittens. Honestly, prior to reading her column, I hadn't thought of hijacking another column for purposes of mocking its creator, but it's really quite an ingenious idea. I give Tori due credit for that.

 

Similarly, E-bathing by Phylan was excellent this past week. Not only did he adhere to the Mayor's format, but he also revisited the same theme as if to say "take a look, world, and tell me which E-bathing you liked better." For the record, I'm going with Phylan's. While both Phylan and the Mayor bring an ascerbic wit to their mockery of America's online yard sale, Phylan's mockery does not extend to Queens, a locale near-and-dear to my omniscient heart, whereas the Mayor has recently made her displeasure known.

 

Two other thoughts popped into my head relating to E-bathing, YouTub and "Internet Potato."  The first is, I know fully appreciate the Mayor's switch from The Weekly Address to the E-bathing format.  As the O.O. knows, writing a somewhat open-ended column is often more difficult than writing one that must conform to specific constraints. The ease with which both Lauren and Phylan have been able to slip into E-bathing and produce such high quality work really brings this home. Second, now that we've got E-bay and YouTube covered, the only real hole in the Bathtub's repertoire is not having a column that is really focused on Wikipedia. If you think about the Internet in a broad sense, I think you can argue that it performs three major functions in a unique way, and which separates it from non-Internet media: (1) It serves as a marketplace for goods. Ebay and craigslist help to perfect the Market (in the larger sense) by adding enormously to the second-hand market in goods. Before the Internet existed, it was hard to maximize the value of your second hand dog toys because other than selling them in a yard sale where your neighbors would just look down on you for pinching pennies, you had no options. Ebay serves as an anonymous way to unite cheapskates and wacko collector-types; (2) It serves as a marketplace for ideas.  Here, YouTube is the exemplar because it gives a forum to any jackass with a webcam to win the hearts and minds of bored office workers everywhere.  There have been YouTube celebrities who have succeeded in attracting hordes of people to their cheaply produced dramas, and I'm sure it's only a matter of time until there are major talents that breakthrough using YouTube. (3) It serves as funnel for collaborators.  Wikipedia allows people with anal retentive tendencies and no other way to express themselves the opportunity to build something enormously useful.  In the pre-Internet era, these were the people who were writing their own translations of Oedipus Rex because the popular ones just didn't catch Sophocles exact meaning. Now they've turned their attention to something useful, which is really a miracle, because come on, we got the gist of the other stuff (Oedipus thinks his mom is foxy).

 

The thing about the Bathtub, is that it takes pride in its ability to mock the Internet's greatest creations.  Now I admit that it's somewhat harder to mock Wikipedia in an amusing way, but I have confidence that someone among us will make that breakthrough. So, if anyone is ever open to the challenge, I lay it out there. Also, if anyone, read: Justin Douglas, wants to take issue with my taxonomy of the Internet's greatest achievements, feel free.

 

A few other random notes before CoW:

• I really enjoyed Shiny Happy Caitlar's stab at Men in Cages. While I think Shininess & Happiness still came through, she definitely made very good stab at alterna-feminism. Plus, I liked the idea of getting a watch or something of roughly equal value to an engagement ring upon engagement.  After all, if I'm plunking down several months' salary for a shiny rock, getting a decent piece of engineering in return seems really pretty reasonable.
• I absolutely loved Shiny Happy D.C. and thought it was hilarious. However, for all the hilarity in the column itself, I particularly liked the conversation between Tori and D.C. in the comments in which he discusses how the anticipation of the wedding compared to the reality. Disappointed that he didn't go skeet shooting, though.
• I would also like to give some props to the Mayor for her version of Too Much Information.  After Lauren rocked E-Bathing with a fresh take on the traditional E-bathing format a few weeks back, the Mayor could have curled up in her shell and ceded blogspremacy to Lauren. But that didn't happen. The Mayor said "goddammit, I can be just as funny using charts and graphs and do so with a reckless disregard for credible sources." Well played, Madam Mayor, well played.

Column of the Week

Ugh. I knew someday I would have to acknowledge that Tori triumphed over all comers in one week. I knew this day would come and it would be painful.

No, just kidding! But surprisingly not in the way Tori anticipates (what with her dashed hopes). As Buddy Love pointed out, D.C.'s column was excellent last week.  However, I just couldn't shake the feeling that it could have been a Reasonable Doubt. Maybe it was because the beginning reminded me of D.C.'s earlier musings for wedding week on what turned out to be on family law. Whatever the cause, I instead have decided to congratulate and honor Tori because she certainly embraced the Internet Potato spirit, and got a nice cheap shot against Phylan in at the same time.

Congratulations, Tori, you have now officially earned the right to imprison all males for one week.

The Omniscient Omtubsman runs Wednesday afternoons on the Bathtub.

Comments

[Tori]

I win! I win! I finally win . . . the week that I'm not writing my own column.

The man (aka the O.O.) is finally willing to praise me. Why? Because I stopped being a feminist! "Men in Cages" is too subversive for his taste, but once I shut my mouth, submit to the patriarchy, and just talk about cats, suddenly I'm fabulous.

Well, O.O. I won't take it. You can take your Column of the Week prize and shove it up your ass.

[Tori]

(That's totally a lie. Don't take my prize back. I will cling to it for as long as I can. I think I might even mention it on my resume.)

[G. Oshel]

Aren't I best qualified to write a Wikipedia-related Bathtub column?

[Tori]

G. Oshel makes a compelling argument.

[G. Oshel]

I appreciate your support.