Well, folks, I'm back from my vacation from posting. Sometimes posting seems much like an actual job, what with it's constant emails and
strict deadlines. So getting away can be a way to clear one's head and
re-group or even renew one's vows with the blog, so as to become a
better blogger. Sometimes, but not this time. Don't expect anything
particularly new and exciting in this column. Read on, for warmed-over mediocrity!
Before I get into the meat of the post, I wanted to thank Raif and Gorg-O for filling in for me. Truly, it was a job done. For all those readers concerned about Raif's mental health, I'll reassure you that we've gotten him a prescription for lithium. We've also put him into an intensive psychoanalytical regimen to try to get him to understand that just because his Daddy traded skeeball tickets for a new Russian wife does not mean that he will win Daddy back through skeeball, even if he wins the Mid-Atlantic Regional championship. For those readers concerned about Gorg-O's health, rest assured that he does not have jaundice, his skin just has a natural yellow glow.
In all seriousness, thanks for helping out, gentlemen. My favorite part of Gorg-O's column was the assumption that "hot chicks" either have to love skeeball or have to love ombudsmen. Unfortunately for me, so far no chicks have been drawn to me because this column (unless on the off chance Buddy Love turns out to be a chick). So, I guess what I'm saying is that I have to conclude that hot chicks love skeeball. QED. My favorite part of Raif's column was the fact that Raif reminded me of Clanky when he laughed "hat."
No, the meat of this column pertains my attendance at the most recent "Celebrate Lauren" event, held in a variety of Public Houses scattered throughout the Washington Metropolitan area. Because I work out of the New York regional office of the The Bathtub, LLC, I often miss out on non-virtual gatherings of "The Bathtub Gang" including the second most recent one, "The Bathtub Gang Bang." As an omtubsman, missing these meetings can sometimes put me at a disadvantage. For example, prior to reading Raif's column last week, I had no idea that he started dating Raifina, but everyone else out of the D.C. office knew that months ago. Because of this crucial lack of information, I could have posted something unsavory about Raifina's prior relations with the Minnesota Expert and unwittingly offended Raif. I just gotta know these things.
So, what did I learn at "Celebrate Lauren"? First, I learned that KELLYq thinks I'm ignoring her column. That is false. I'm not ignoring it, but I just can only type so much per week. I can't possibly discuss every column each week, and sometimes I devote entire columns to pretty pointless crap (see this column) so it's hard to constantly make sure everyone's getting equal attention. Second, I learned that one of the tubtributors is considering retirement. Luckily, I have learned that we have already prepared a contigency plan which involves outsourcing the column to a group of six Korean boys who will write about competitive video game leagues. Finally, I learned that one of our tubtributors is ovulating. I learned this because an entire bar full of people was shouting about it. So, in sum, no late night visits to Jerome this week unless you mean it.
Column of the Week
This week's CoW award came down to a triumvirate of tubbettes. In case that made very little sense, it came down to three female contributors: Tori's "Wheel of Mysogny", Caitlar's "What Do You Think?" and KELLYqankzors' "Advice Regarding Jeopardy! Anecdotes." These three columns fit just right with the theme. The were very much related to it, but not so blindingly obvious as to make them in any way unappealing. In the end, though, Tori lost out because she was proved wrong by the comments section. Between the two, I opted for KELLYq's because she really married her column theme to the week's theme in a brilliant way, and I appreciate when this is done skillfully.
Congratulations, KELLYq.
I understand that it may seem rather more than coincidental that KELLYq wins the honor after having complained to me about not being mentioned. I assure you that had nothing to do with it! In reality, she also gave me three delicious cupcakes, which assured her victory.
The Omniscient Omtubsman runs Wednesday afternoons on the Bathtub.
I take issue with the contention that I was "proved wrong by the comments section." Though the names of a few female game show hosts were flung about, women remain in the minority in game-show-hosting-ville. That being said, my post was far from stellar. Honestly, I think Caitlar should have won. (You suq, Kellyq! Okay, I don't actually mean that, I just wanted to write "suq.")
Whatevz, anyway, I'm sad that I missed the Bathtub Gang Bang. Now I don't know who's considering retirement. I hope it's not me . . .
Posted by: Tori | August 22, 2007 at 02:19 PM
Minnesota expert is moving to Florida
Posted by: Lauren | August 22, 2007 at 02:21 PM
"Retirement"? That's completely lame. Unless we have a pension plan, in which case I also want to retire.
Posted by: The Mayor | August 23, 2007 at 02:21 AM