Before I do anything, I'm going to admit that I'm pretty much stealing
the idea for this column from LMNOP. For those of who aren't longtime
readers or contributors, LMNOP is Lauren's original blog, which existed
for about a year and a half before spawning the unholy beast you're
currently reading. LMNOP is pretty consistently amusing and often
downright hilarious, and one of the features that I particularly like
on that blog is a feature where Lauren looks back at what Google search
words people used in order to end up on her site. Since I don't
particularly have anything to say about circle week on the blog, I'm
instead going to devote this week to adapting Lauren's theme to the
Bathtub. You'll also notice that I'm stealing from another tubtributor
for the format of my column this week. To see what I mean follow the
jump.
On LMNOP, Lauren will usually identify nonsensical or bizarre search phrases and then try, belatedly, to come up with coherent and hilarious responses to those queries. Here, instead, I am going to list some recent searches and give a list of possible tubtributors who could be bringing this traffic to the Tub.
1. Which tubtributor routinely brings in random websurfers almost certainly looking for porn?
A. Tori
B. Jerome
C. Emily
D. KELLYq
The answer, of course, is D, KELLYq. One day, several months ago, I began looking back through the search queries that had brought various visitors to our site. Lo and behold I frequently came across people searching for "kellyq." I thought, well, maybe Kelly is just that popular? No, sadly, after Googling the term myself I quickly learned that these people had stumbled into the Tub looking instead for adult photos of a young trailer park girl who shares her name with our dear friend. Perhaps our KELLYq might write a column on how to best conceal hair on one's palms?
To be fair, though, we recently collectively all brought in someone in search of porn, who queried "lesbians in bathtub videos." Good work, guys, nice to know we're making a difference.
2. Which tubtributor most routinely confuses Europeans?
A. Tori
B. Justin
C. Phylan
D. Caitlar
The answer is C, Phylan. I've noticed that a lot of Europeans in particular seem to be misspelling "YouTube" and ending up on our site. They probably heard a lot about the site, but are now wondering why Christopher Hitchens and giraffes giving birth are so popular in America. Good question.
3. Which tubtributor's column most caters to those interested in Pachyderm defecation?
A. The Mayor
B. Emily
C. The Omtubsman
D. D.C.
B, Emily. A visitor recently queried "how much does an elephant poop
in a day" only to discover Emily's column "I saw this bird fly off his
head without him ever looking up"
as
the sixth hit on the first page of Google results. I'm surprised they
even got this far, considering the second for that query is what I
could only presume is the definitive source for all defecation-related
inquiries, www.poopreport.com.
4. Which tubtributor consistently brings surfers pushing a radical feminist agenda?
A. Jerome
B. Lauren
C. Tori
D. Justin
This isn't a trick question, it's C, Tori. Most recently she brought in a reader looking for "males in cages." Happily for the Omtubsman and the other male contributors to this blog, Tori's column doesn't provide any real information on how one might accomplish this goal.
5. Which tubtributor provides parenting advice to concerned parents buying their children toys?
A. The Mayor
B. KELLYq
C. D.C
D. Phylan
I know that I shudder to think A, The Mayor, is counseling our nation's parents, but according to one recent search, her old column, the Weekly Address "This Message Is Brought to Elmo By the Letters "F" and "U"" brought in a reader looking for "tickle me talking elmo seizure." It occurred to me that it's possible the person was trying to induce a seizure in a child, in which case I feel much better.
6. Other than KELLYq, which tubtributor brings in the most sex fiends?
A. Justin
B. D.C.
C. Tori
D. Caitlar
Again, unsurprisingly, the answer is Tori. Most recently queried? "Jerk circles, sex" for her recent column "Circle Jerk." Glad to know it's me, Sally Jesse and a bunch of porn addicts reading the site.
7. Which guest poster has brought in a reader most recently?
A. Minnesota Expert
B. Raif
C. Jim Ramstad
D. Gerbz
The answer is B, Raif, who recently brought in a guy looking for info about "skee-ball tickets."
8. Which tubtributor was most recently known to be counseling our nation's youth?
A. Tori
B. Jim Ramstad
C. D.C.
D. Lauren
D, Lauren, who's column "When I Grow Up I want to Fill Out lots and lots of Forms" is the first hit for the Google search "what want too be when i grow up quiz", recently encouraged one little tyke to become a bureaucrat. Some day that little boy or girl may be misspelling words on your audit.
9. Which tubtributor brings in the most Google-originating readers?
A. Lauren
B. Emily
C. Jerome
D. Caitlar
The answer, is B, Emily. Emily routinely brings in people searching for random song lyrics, people searching for images of celebrities and people searching for random trivia questions. I was recently very impressed to discover that Emily's column is the second hit for the query "trivia anything about." That's a pretty general search, so if Emily popping up there now, just imagine what will happen after a few more months of Trivia Quizzes. Nice work.
Column of the Week
Perhaps Emily is a little peeved that I stole her trivia quiz format this week? Well, I'm hoping to appease her by announcing, perhaps unsurprisingly to the loyal readers out there, that Emily's column "And Go Round and Round and Round in the Circle Game" is Column of the Week. As Buddy Love correctly noted, Tori's afternoon post merited some consideration, but it never really seriously challenged Emily's quiz for CoW honors. The connection between the Circle theme and Trivial Pursuit was a truly ingenious way of avoiding writing an undoubtedly dull quiz about polygons (or whatever the hell circles are, as Jerome points out). In a week of slow commenting, I think it's quite clear that there was genuine enthusiasm for your quiz this past week.
Congratulations.
The Omniscient Omtubsman runs Wednesday afternoons on the Bathtub. Next week, however, the Omtubsman will be off.
Nice. I approve of this adaptation of my patented Google and Ye Shall Find feature.
Posted by: Lauren | August 08, 2007 at 02:19 PM
thank you for distinguishing me from a bunch of porn addicts. whew.
Posted by: sally jesse | August 08, 2007 at 04:58 PM
yayy! i'm so happy! i'm totally going to wear my typepad <3s me shirt to the beach this weekend too.
Posted by: EmGus | August 09, 2007 at 01:07 PM