Reasonable Doubt: The Two Worst Words a Metro Rider Can Hear

Care to guess?  Anyone?

Not "doors closing."  They are not "crying baby" or "clueless tourists," although after this summer, I'm absolutely convinced D.C. (the District, not me) needs to institute a strong policy that bans people under the age of 10 from entering its borders.  If you grew up here, fine, but if you're even just down from Maryland, no dice, because I'm going to want to kill you.

No, the two worst words are:

"Suspicious package."

About twice a month they have to shut down a stop or two or three because some Jack Bauer wanna-be sees an unattended bag and feels compelled to call it in.  This event invokes two very strong, yet distinct feelings in riders:

1.  I could die today.

"Holy shit, suspicious package.  They wouldn't shut down 3 stops on the busiest line during afternoon rush hour unless there was a chance that something happening down there could kill us all."

These people are either naturally high strung and will be dead by 50 from heart failure or have only moved to the city in the last year.

2.  I'm going to be late today.

"Great.  Someone left an effing backpack on the train, now I have to take a shuttle across three stops.  I have a thing to get to.  This is just perfect.  I think they should open the stops for people who want to risk it.   I hope it is a bomb down there to make it worth me being late."

This enters everyone's head at some point.  Most people actually skip right down to number 2, and even those who entertained the terror of thought 1 move down to 2 after a surprisingly short amount of time.

I fall into the group that only cares about number two.  I'm not afraid of dying.  I've always laughed at the possibility of death by saying, "Hey, I had a good run."  I'm 22 years old. 

More than I deserved.

D.C.  writes "Reasonable Doubt" for The Bathtub on Tuesday mornings.  You can e-mail him at dc.bathtub@gmail.com.

Comments

[Lauren]

Teenagers are even worse than small children on the Metro.

[Tori]

So, for a good ten minutes, I forgot that our theme was no longer "circles" and I just kept staring at your post, trying to find the connection.

[D.C.]

It was your theme this week, hon...

[Tori]

But anyway, now that I understand that our theme this week is actually "fear" (chosen by me . . . you'd think I'd remember that . . . ), I've gotta say, I really like the line, "I think they should open the stops for people who want to risk it."

[The Mayor]

The third thought,thought while riding a "shuttle bus" is, "For all this troublev that bag had better be a goddamned bomb." Also, i have a theory that the people who report "suspicious" bags are tourists.

[Andrea]

I think little kids in DC are delightful. You can piss them off by scaring the birds away.

Had a good run at 22 huh? Yeah, I could see that. I quickly devolve into person #2 as well.

[Jerome]

Hey, is that your bag?

[EmGus]

and the thing yesterday wasn't even a bomb. it was a box with paper and cardboard. lame.