One Nation Under Jerome: HalloWHAT?!?

Whenever people ask me, "Jerome, what in your opinion has made our nation's youth mad soft?" without fail, I answer, "Halloween." Why? Because Halloween was supposed to be scary and a way to toughen kids up, so they learn at an early age they're not supposed to go trouncing around the neighborhood after dark like a bunch of merrys eating candy lest ghouls snatch them or put them in a brew or something.

What? Basically my point is that thanks to bar crawls, which encourage funny/slutty costumes at the expense of downright terrifying costumes, Halloween is no longer our most feared holiday (Arbor Day currently has that distinction). Here's some suggestions on how to put the "fear" back in "I fear Halloween" . . .

Yeah right! Halloween's awesome. I'm glad it isn't scary; I hate fear, as well as the act of fearing things, or things that cause fear. This column is actually about some past Halloween costumes--which are all pretty non-scary.

Age 3: Clown. This was back when I had super blonde hair like little kids do and bright blue eyes, so I looked like a little Aryan clown. I was the only half-Jewish Aryan-looking clown on the block, except for my early life rival, Gerhardt von Rosenstein, who also dressed as a clown that year. That guy was a real asshole.

Age 4: Bee. This year I went trick-or-treating in Ohio (the "Your Cousins Live Here" state). I'm told by my parents that when people would open the door and say, patronizingly, "Oh look at the scary bee," I would tell them that I wasn't really a bee, that I was a boy in a bee costume. Then, after their guard was down, I'd sting them and fly away!! Well, the first part of that was true, anyway.

Age 6: Robot. My mom made this costume. It was a cardboard box painted grey with all sorts of digital looking things attached to it, and I think she may have just drawn a telephone keypad on the front (I guess in case the robot needed to call for repairs or something). I remember at the time thinking it was a very high tech, given that she had glued a red light bulb on the front and some slinkys to the shoulders. However, it was quite impractical when running from Gerhardt von Rosenstein, whose mother had made him a robot costume w/ a helicopter propellor and two lasers.

Age 10. Indiana Jones. Because, ya know, I thought being Moses wouldn't have been current enough. We wore our costumes to school that year. For some reason I think it was that year that originally the school required that if kids were going to dress up in costumes to go to school, that they be dressed up as "Prominent historical Maryland figures." No, really. They eventually lifted that requirement, which is good, because I never could get the right colored stockings for my Lord Baltimore costume. Which would have beat out Gerhardt von Rosenstein's historical Maryland costume: a container of Old Bay.

Age 13. Judge Lance Ito. You know, from the OJ Simpson trial? I'm guessing I must've found this hilarious, but given that Lance Ito wasn't a super-recognizable figure to every Jerome Sixpack on the block, I ended up just looking like a real racist donning an Asian-American caricature mask. It didn't help that I carried around Gerhardt von Rosenstein in a Rickshaw that year. (He was dressed as the Congressman from California's 15th Congressional District, Japanese-American Mike Honda.)

Age 14-19--The Dark Ages. No, I didn't go as "The Dark Ages" for 6 consecutive years, but rather these ages were dark because I don't recall celebrating Halloween. It was that period where I was too old to eat candy on Halloween but too young to get drunk on Halloween. Instead I was doing things angsty teens do, like shaving and borrowing the car.

Age 21--A Pumpkin. Sorta a throwback to old times. It was actually pretty sweet, I had this enormous pumpkin suit, so not only did I get to find out what it was like to be a big fat guy, but I also carried a basket full of candy corns which I would toss handfuls of at children in the Chapel Hill crowd. I would often tell them, "I'm a stranger. Here's some candy!" and that was all it took for them to trust me.

Age 22--A Naked Guy in a Barrel. Ok, I basically wanted to have this costume for several years, where I would wear nothing but a barrel. But then I started looking into the prices of barrels, and they were alarmingly expensive. I figured, hell, I'm not made of barrel money!! It was a grim situation, until some guy I worked with called me on Halloween saying, "Ok, I'm at the store and there's something called Barrel Apparel. Should I buy it for you?" It was a Halloween Miracle. In conclusion, it was sweet walking around in a barrel. This was the year, by the way, that Gerhardt von Rosenstein dressed up as a cow and put his udder on the window of a Red Lobster.

Age 23--Jerome Wilkes Booth. My picture here on the Bathtub is actually from that night. I have no idea if John Wilkes Booth had a mustache, but he certainly would've warn that hat. Originally, a couple friends and I wanted to go as Pantsless Presidents, which is pretty much how it sounds but just in case; we were going to dress up as Presidents, but not wear any pants. We had a big group ready to do it, but then most people in the group realized that they were bluffing. One of my friends had already sprung for the Abe Lincoln costume (except this costume had actual pants), so I felt I had to at least be historically accurate to help him out.

So, that's a painfully detailed account of several costumes I have worn, and partial account of costumes that Gerhardt von Rosenstein has worn on similar Halloweens.

In conclusion, fear is a thing that happens on Halloween sometimes.

Comments

[sally jesse]

since when is Indiana Jones Not a historical Maryland figure? I mean, I'm pretty sure that there was a scene in which he swung, via whip, over the Little Patuxent River.

[Lauren]

hahaha. to underscore what a wuss i am and have always been: when i was like 7, i was a witch for halloween and my mom painted my whole face green. right before going out to trick-or-treat, i took one look at myself in the mirror, was terrified and started crying. everyone had to wait while i washed my face.

in all of the pictures from that halloween i have puffy, red-rimmed eyes and a strange, unhealthy greenish cast to my face from the makeup not washing off completely.

[The Mayor]

Oddly enough, I was going to tell almost the exact same story about myself Lauren. The only differences are that I was 3 and that no green makeup was involved.

[EmGusk]

holy shit the exact same thing happened to me when i was 5. i looked in the mirror at the green makeup and was SCARED straight. so that year i was a princess in blue jeans. and that macaroni on my crown was baller.

thank god we all found each other.

[sally jesse]

wow. you guys are wusses or 'mad soft' as some might say.