One Nation Under Jerome: Don't Blame Me, I Voted for Bob Barker

There is nothing more American than a game show. That statement is definitely not true, by the way . . . I saw an episode of Family Feud once in Poland. There are crazy game shows in Japan, and many of our popular shows are British spin-offs. And let's not forget Sabado Gigante, which is Telemundo's 9-hour spectacular which features sexy Mexican women, singing puppets, and a mariachi band that plays elevator music. So I guess my point is, there are many things more American than a game show.

Still, I can't deny that game shows have played a big role in American culture, particularly in creating two icons: Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek (I define an icon as "A person who is on TV every weekday at either 7 or 7:30"). So, in a column that is not a stretch at all, I'll discuss below who would make a better President, assuming they ran against each other, Sajak or Trebek.

Party: Sajak is glib, tan, and likes to pat people on the back, so I think he'd be the Republican in the race. Trebek is smart, stiff, and boring, which are the three characteristics any Democratic nominee must have. Plus, he's Canadian, so GOP charges of hating America will stick even more. He could be the first President to have a pet moose in the oval office!! Anyway, this one is an easy call, since I've made no secret of my political leanings. Advantage: Trebek.

Being a loudmouth: Thank God Lauren posted the link to Pat Sajak's website. I actually saw this website a couple years ago, and let me tell you it is embarassing when you Google Pat Sajak and his link is already in purple. I particularly recommend the "Sajak Says" archived articles, where you can read all about Pat's political opinions and advice--in one from May 2006, he says that if Dems want to win big in the Congressional elections, they should "Have Hillary Clinton stay at home and try out some new cookie recipes." (Historical note: Hillary did not stay at home and bake cookies, and the Democrats retook the House and Senate). As for Trebek, the most loudmouth thing I've heard him say is, "Final Jeopardy today: Ancient geography." Advantage: Sajak.

Possibility for slogans: Best I can think of for Trebek is "Alex Trebek: With or Without a Mustache, He's an Awkward Goon." For Pat, however, I can just see the bumper stickers now: "Say-WHAT?!?!!? Say-jak!" Though I suppose Trebek could counter with "Say-jak--say WHAT?!!??!" Now there's a debate Jerome could enjoy. Advantage: Push.

Application of game show skills to the presidency: Not a lot of chances for spinning a wheel for the President, unless you are playing Russian roulette with Putin, or if you are trying to get a free burrito at California Tortilla (hey--just because he'd be the President doesn't mean he wouldn't enjoy a good burrito.) Unlike Sajak, Trebek would have a wealth of information at his disposal, but his insistence on citing obscure facts about biochemistry or pop culture or the 1890s or Belgium would probably annoy other, less trivia intensive world leaders, causing them to retaliate against America due to President Trebek's nerdiness. We don't want that. Advantage: Sajak.

Cabinet: Pat Sajak has Vanna White. Vanna White doesn't even turn the letters anymore--she merely touches them. Apparently she was able to swing this sweet deal by removing the "Employee may have to on occassion use her wrist muscles" clause from her contract. So she'd have to be something useless, like janitor or clockwinder or HUD Secretary. Alex Trebek, however, has the "clue crew", which are the people who fly all the way to Lithuania so that they can read a clue about which sea is near Lithuania in front of the actual sea (Hint: The South China Sea.) For some reason, I hate them all. But I think they'd be useful, particularly if we ever have any crisis with Lithuania asking them for permission to dock in the South China Sea. Advantage: Trebek.

Ability to make small talk with other important leaders: Ok, Trebek is terrible at this. He is like a Rumpelstiltskin who weaves pleasant anecdotes into uncomfortable moments. Or more accurately, he sounds like a guy stuck at a party next to someone he doesn't want to talk to, but has no idea how the f**k to get away, so he keeps asking the most basic questions just to keep them talking until he can fake a kidney stone attack or something. Consequently, conversations are usually potentially interesting but go absolutely nowhere.

For example, this is every Alex Trebek exchange: "So Jill, I understand that you ran into someone very interesting at the airport." "Yes Alex, I ran into Steve Martin, who was on the way back from LA after promoting 'Bringing Down The House.'" "So do you find people are taller in person than you think they will be? Or was he maybe the same height you were expecting?" "Um, no, he was about the same height. I'd seen him before at a comedy club. So, yeah, same height I guess." "And are you the kind of person who likes to watch comedians on TV? Or would you rather see them out in the open, at a club, getting the crowd into it? Or maybe you should go into comedy yourself someday--have you ever thought of that?" "Oh, um, well I don't know, I like seeing comedians, but I've never really thought of that." "Well you should, I understand it is quite a business! But there's nothing to laugh about now, as you are in third place, but you do have control of the board!" Advantage: Sajak .

Well, now that we've gone through it scientifically, I guess Sajak would have to be my man for President. I just couldn't live with foreign policy disasters stemming from Alex Trebek asking Saudi Arabian leaders if they'd ever considered tap dancing lessons, or things like that. I'm hereby announcing my support for Sajak/SayWhat 08. At least our national market for vowels will improve.

Comments

[Lauren]

I think you have pretty much summed up the reason Democrats have so much trouble getting elected: you weigh everything, you agree with the Dem, but you also think, Man. That is one condescending asshole.

[D.C.]

I saw a live taping of Jeopardy!, and Trebek sucks just as much when interacting with a captive audience (literally -- they don't let you leave your seats) as the contestants.

But I did see the worst performance in the history of Jeopardy! live and in person, where the returning champ finished double jeopardy $4400 dollars ON THE WRONG SIDE OF ZERO.

She should have to give that part of her winnings back.

[Lauren]

You know, when I went to a Jeopardy! taping (with Emily--holla), I actually thought he was really funny between takes. But that was a couple of years ago and I don't know if he'd reached the point of totally not giving a shit that he seems to have reached now.

[Tori]

Remember that time Ari got $50,000 for getting 2nd Place on College Jeopardy! 2005. Remember how it's now 2007 and he still doesn't have a job and is living off his Jeopardy! winnings?

[GO-gurt]

Doesn't Ari work for NPR?

[Tori]

Ari interned for NPR.

[GO-gurt]

He does spend a lot of time at agricultural fairs...

[Tori]

But anyway, I think Ari is about to move to Iowa to volunteer for Obama's campaign, which he insists has the possibility of leading to a paying gig. Which would be pretty big for him.

[The Mayor]

I don't know if this qualifies as loudmouthiness, but Trebek does have the AWFUL habit of explaining to people why they got a question wrong when it has already become obvious because another contestant has answered the question correctly (i.e. "You said The Growth of the Soil when in fact it is Growth of the Soil"). It just seems like Trebek's rubbing the contestant's nose in their failure.