E-Bathing: It Really Ties the Room Together

I'm switching posting slots with Jerome this week. But fear not loyal Jeromiouxbeezoids, he'll be taking my spot this Thursday. Till then, sit tight and read my post.

To me, art is just something people put in their living room to make other people think they're classy. That is to say, people want to decorate their homes in such a manner as to convince their friends and family members that they have good taste, with "art" being an easy way to convey one's taste. And since art is so superfluous to the function of a room, it also shows that you have some amount of money for the finer things in life. Art varies widely because different people think different things are classy, with an unfortunately large group of people incorrectly believing that some truly tacky things are classy. After the jump, some suggested art purchases for some truly classy individuals.

Genre: Nudes on Velvet.
Haven't we all looked at the space above our television and thought, "Damn, I wish I had a picture of naked ladies there"? Well, the classiest way to accomplish this dream is to get a picture of naked ladies painted on velvet. Velvet, of course, being the cloth of kings and of only the classiest of Elvis paintings. The lovely piece displayed to the right is titled "Vintage Nude Black Velvet Ninja Warrior," and its subject appears to be an extra from Mad Max rip-off. It should be noted that velvet paintings look best in living rooms that have been largely unchanged since the 70s. (Orange shag carpet and avocado-colored kitchen appliances really accent the black velvet). Oh, and yeah, don't expect any real-live ladies to get naked for you after they see these hanging in your living room.

Genre: Paint by Number.
Paint by number paintings are like the karaoke of the art world: you're copying someone else's work, and even if you do a good job, it's still not worth bragging about. Paint by number paintings are easily spotted by their subjects: clowns, animals, or bucolic scenes. These artistic subjects (with the notable exception of clowns because pictures of clowns are creepy) are popular choices for paintings placed in one's home as they give the impression that their owner is very down-to-Earth (read: obsessed with projecting a self-image aligned with Little House on the Prairie). And since these paintings are sort of DIY they make your home seem crafty! These paintings would look best in a room with puffy window valances and floral wallpaper.

All of the paintings I have shown here were already painted. If you got bored one day and decided you wanted to spend an afternoon painstakingly painting shading into a picture someone else designed for you, then I suggest you buy yourself this unfinished PBN clown picture. Be careful as you paint because I think that clown may try to eat you.

Fine art is sold at an auction, so there is a naturally large selection on EBay. However, this next piece was brought to my attention by my friend Rina who found this painting on Craigslist..

Genre: Murderers/Enemies of the State
Now maybe you're a little, shall we say "counter culture." Maybe you enjoy art depicting people who have been accused of monstrous acts. I personally would not be interested in displaying the likeness of an accused murderer in my home, but to each their own.  Well, I couldn't find a picture of Jeffrey Dahmer or Hitler, but Rina did find this painting of Uday Hussein for sale on Craigslist. I have no idea what the proper decor for this painting would be, though apparently it was found in Uday's personal gym.  As a fair warning, purchasing this painting will probably get you put on a no-fly list.

Genre: Religious(ish)
As I mentioned earlier this summer, I am a big fan of religious art. My must have of the week is religious in nature. It is also unfortunately unattainable because it was purchased yesterday. However, it was so classy that I couldn't pass up the opportunity to advertise it. The painting in question is titled "Satan on the Toilet." It is a velvet painting from a Tijuana artist, and true to its name, it's a picture of Satan on the toilet. This painting was sold yesterday for $36 to a truly classy person. Now that this lucky buyer has what was described by the seller as "the Tackiest Tijuana Velvet there Ever Was" I'm sure his living room is complete.

The Mayor usually writes for the Bathtub every Thursday morning. For more information click here. Jerome usually writes at this time on Tuesdays. For more information click here.

Comments

[Lauren]

$36?!?!??! Jesus.

[GO-gurt]

And two people bid on it!