The Bathtub: YouTub: The Less Kitty-Friendly Edition

Note: This is a special Internet Potato edition of YouTub. The theme being revisited is "Pets."

Ooh, look at me. I'm writing the YouTub column. I love kitties sooo much. They're just so cute and cuddly-wuddly. Aww, look at 'em:

Alright, enough. I can't go along with this charade any longer. I actually hate cats. I think they're lame.

And so long as I'm putting "actually"s out there, I should probably mention that I don't actually read YouTub all that often. But I don't think YouTub is lame. In fact, I suspect it's quite funny It's just that my computer lacks the ability to produce sounds and video-watchin' just isn't all that fun sans noises.

That being said, I do know the following things about YouTub:

The column generally involves the posting of videos.
Phylan likes kitties a lot.
Sound or no sound, the birthing of giraffes is pretty gross.

So yeah, I'm gonna post me some videos and talk about cats and you're all gonna love it. Sweet.

Right, so as I was saying, cats suck:

Yep. Cats are mean and evil. And I don't like 'em.

To be perfectly honest, I'm not real keen on cat owners either. Well, let me qualify that. I'm alright with people who simply own cats. What I'm not alright with are people who forget that their cats are cats and start to think that they're people. Those people are a mess.

Just two short weeks ago, Shiny Happy Caitlar admitted to all of us that she suffers from delusions that cats are people, so you might think I'm singling her out as a freak, but that's really not my intention. In my experience, the vast majority of cat owners have difficulty with the whole pet/person divide. But just because everyone's doing it DOESN'T MAKE IT OKAY! It's one thing to love your cat; it's another thing entirely to love your cat:

You know what bothers me the most about that video? That none of the commenters said, "Woah, lady, you're a freak." Everyone was just all like, "Soo cuuuuuutezorz. I <3 <3 <3 kittttehs!" Not okay. This lady is wack-o. Those commenters are wack-o. And cats suck-o.

So, presumably, those of you who are regular readers of YouTub are not loving this column right now. You're probably thinking "French kissing your cat is awesome!" and wondering whether I have some deep-seated reason for being such a cat-hater. If you asked me directly, "Tori, c'mon, what's your problem with cats?" I would tell you that I harbor hatred for cats because they're incapable of showing affection and they're shitty at fetching sticks. And one scratched me once when I was eight.

If you asked a professional in the field of psychotherapy about my detest for cats, however, he or she would probably tell you, "Tori's deepest, darkest fear is that she will one day become a crazy cat lady. She projects her hatred of this image of herself on to cats and consequently has very negative feelings towards felines and their owners. Also, Tori is jealous of the fact that cats are able to lick their own private parts."

Well, hypothetical professional in the field of psychotherapy might have a point. I do greatly fear becoming a crazy cat lady. I can think of few worse things to become. And, as the following video teaches us, feminism in one's early life is directly related to crazy cat lady-dom in later life:

So I guess I'm doomed . . .

"YouTub", Phylan, and love for kitties return next Thursday. "Men In Cages", Tori, and love for feminism return next Friday.

8 Comments

Ok, I don't want to here shit from you people ever again - that lady making out with her cat was WAY grosser than the giraffe birth, and probably messier.

Also Tori I think you've got the hang of this.

Posted by: Phylan | July 26, 2007 at 12:08 PM

Don't worry, I'm not offended Tori. I know my kitty love borders on weirdness, but to be fair, it's only at home (and sometimes here in the bathtub) that my weirdness comes out. I don't talk about my cats all day like they are my children. Although my mom does call them her grandkitties.

Posted by: Caitlar | July 26, 2007 at 12:39 PM