Whether it's the four basic types of literary plots or the 12 kinds of ads or something else entirely, there are plenty of signs in this world that there are only so many ways for certain storylines to play out. In the world of celebrities, this is really no different: the stories that fascinate us today are essentially the same ones that fascinated us 10, 20, and 60 years ago--they just have different pictures. Some pieces of text--names, dates, specific quantities of drugs, etc.--also change, but that's about it. Some celebrity storylines are even more predictable than others because they come in the form of an endlessly repeating circle; for example, today I will outline the Circle of Celebrity Media Exposure.
It's a pretty basic cycle: things are going good, then not so good, then really not so good, then not at all, and then a little, and then back to good again. Mariah Carey has gone around the horn on this cycle at least once.
Celebrities move at their own pace around the circle; some may spend years on a portion that may be just days long for another. Right now the bottom of the circle is seeing a lot of action from three particularly self-destructive starlets whose positioning I have charted below, along with three other celebs representative of three other different places.
As you can see, I've indicated that things are going well for Rosie O'Donnell right now, which some people might object to. True, she's not what she used to be, but celebs, like bouncy balls, are usually incapable of rising as high on the second bounce as they did on the first. She is doing much better than she was a couple of years ago, and that's why I've included her.
It is a little iffier to try and predict who's about to spin into this cycle, but I have chosen Angelina Jolie because I don't see it being too terribly long before people start to really tire of all the smugness. And anyone who says this woman is not capable of a meltdown does not have a very good memory.
That's about all the analysis I have time for right now, although if given enough time and back issues of Us Weekly I'm sure I could come up with an 80-page dissertation. Let's hope I never do.
Lauren McMahon (e-mail, website) writes "Too Much Information" on Mondays at noon. Find out more here.
I'm not sure Rosie is a good example of someone who is on comeback. Her recent asplosion and subsequent quitting of the View was a pretty good example of a 'public meltdown'.
Sienna Miller is on the verge of a comeback, though.
Posted by: Buddy Love | July 30, 2007 at 01:52 PM
Al Gore is another good example of someone on the comeback portion of the cycle.
Posted by: The Mayor | July 30, 2007 at 05:55 PM
Except, on Al Gore's circle, before "very public meltdown" came "very public boner."
Posted by: Tori | July 30, 2007 at 08:39 PM